Is Simply Still Being Alive The Same As Surviving?

[EvenStrongerNow]

Actually, sorry, I don't think I am going to be able to answer that at the moment, my head is just going into shutdown mode even only thinking about what I feel about it. But that in itself may give you something of an idea how I feel about it. I don't know.

That is quite alright. The reason I asked is because I sensed that perhaps the words "survivor" or "survived" bother you because a sense of triumph, for lack of a better word, colors them. Also, maybe the words seem to miss the beginning that you have not yet established. Even "safety" is subjective.

What I mean is, many people try to rush toward solution or outcome if you will when trying to solve issues.

(Insert descriptive word here) experiences, in my opinion, do not work that way. Just because our bodies are in the present, that does not mean our minds are. In my own experience, I dissociated even more when people used those words because at the time, I just needed to be validated, listened to, or even just stared at (ever seen the film The Horse Whisperer? Watch it. You'll know what I mean).

Those encouragement words contained no emotional meaning for me because emotionally, I was not in the present, and I definitely did not feel triumphant. I was not jumping up and down gleefully thinking, "Yes! I made it!"

No . . .

I felt trapped inside of my head. I felt defeated. I felt lost. I felt like I had been transported to another time without a paper trail or clue as to why I was put there. I hated my brain too. I hated that it did things that it never did before. It felt like an alien had moved into my brain and body. I felt ugly. I felt violated. I felt powerless.

I really have no idea why I even sought out a T initially. Probably because the entire world felt unsafe. I did not even feel safe in her office but somehow, some way, and slowly, I started feeling present. First, for only tiny moments.

So, wherever you are at, it is okay to not be okay. It is okay. It will not be forever.

 

[The Albatross]

Um, no. Breathing and having a heart beat is different than being a survivor. Survivor-ship has a sense of the hope of overcoming. To transcend adversity in a way that acknowledges effort. Often significant effort or struggle. Just my opinion.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I edited.

 

[digger]

Is it that you feel more like an empty shell and not whole anymore?

I'm not sure about empty, but certainly full of holes and a long way from being whole.

parts of ourselves flee to escape the trauma and we go on, but as less and less ourselves.

This makes a lot of sense to me. Many years ago, I took an overdose. That is not really related to what I'm going through now, well it kind of is, but not directly - it's complicated as I'm sure a lot of people's stories here are. But how I felt after that does have things in common with how I feel now. To my mind, I did not try to kill myself, I did kill myself. I might have still been alive but what was left behind wasn't me. It felt kind of like I was watching something or someone else that I wasn't fully a part of, if at all at first. I've done a lot more living since then and I guess filled up some of the holes and empty spaces, but I've also hit other crises since then that have left me feeling similar, or that have left parts of me behind.

The 'empty shell' thing brought something else up for me that's not completely related but might have some bearing on it. I seem to either feel nothing and dead, or I am full of of so many feelings that i don't have room to breathe - I don't seem to have an in between place with feelings any more.

 

[digger]

So, wherever you are at, it is okay to not be okay. It is okay. It will not be forever.

Thank you.

 

[franciemarnie]

I so relate. I took a couple overdoses in my 20's and I felt like I did kill myself too. I remember later in therapy referring back to the OD's and saying, "when I killed myself...I mean when I tried to kill myself". I made that mistake a lot.

And I felt like I was alive but dead also all my life.

Awful awful feelings.

Hugs if okay.

 

[franciemarnie]

If you want to look into the thinking behind soul parts taking off for the hills so to speak (so that we can "survive"), read Soul Integration by Ingerman. It resonated for me. It made sense.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I seem to either feel nothing and dead, or I am full of of so many feelings that i don't have room to breathe - I don't seem to have an in between place with feelings any more.

Relating. Balance. I struggle with that too. Sometimes, in the pit of my frustration, I ask myself: "Will I ever get that in between place back? Did I ever have one?"

Perhaps the PTSD just makes us fly one way or the other. I don't know.

The best way I can describe what my "so many feelings that I don't have room to breathe" feels like, when I felt that way, is . . . Well, it feels like there are all of these balls of energy zinging around inside of me, trying to break out but they can't. I feel trapped. Like someone else said, like parts of me are gone. I try to fight it and do what I used to be able to do, but I just can't . . . even though I'm breathing, I can walk, I can see, I can talk, etc . . .I still just can't. It feels like I am stuck somewhere in time, frozen.



The dead feeling is like people are talking to me, but their words do not penetrate me at all. It's like Charlie Brown and Snoopy, you know the squawk box? "Wah wah wah". I just sit there with no thoughts and just stare. I can walk outside and sit on the porch chair, but that is it. And when I'm there, it's like I have a different pair of eyes. I see all of the people walking around and I feel like I am not a part of it at all, like I'm not even a part of myself. I'm asking myself, "Is this real? Am I me? Who is me?" Everything feels so surreal. These are the moments when I experience suicidal ideation.

I flipped back and forth between those two for quite some time. I still experience it though. I'd say 50/50.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

The dead feeling has often gotten me to wonder, "Am I really dead and this is all a dream?" I feel that especially when, at times, I did not recognize my own face in the mirror. Horrifying.

 

[therisa]

The dead feeling is like people are talking to me, but their words do not penetrate me at all. It's like Charlie Brown and Snoopy, you know the squawk box? "Wah wah wah". I just sit there with no thoughts and just stare.

StrongerNow, that's disassociating and I had happened to me, often, when I was last working, which is very dangerous, considering that I am operating a forklift and loading/offloading trailers, all day long. Whenever that happened, I pulled myself off of the forklift, and reassigned myself, somewhere else.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Oh. I did not know that was dissociation. Thanks for telling me. Hmm . . .

 

[therisa]

Your welcome, StrongerNow.