My Closest Relationships Are Often My Biggest Triggers :-(

[crazy8]

I suppose I am mostly posting this just to vent...

Unfortunately my closest friends are often my biggest triggers. I try to help a friend through her problem, and - BAM - I feel inadequate and spiral into an emotional flashback. My loving boyfriend doesn't hug me "long enough" and - WOAH - I feel rejected, unloved, and intensely hate myself. Currently, I have a work friend who knows about my PTSD (though she doesn't also know about my severe depression), and she is being too persistent for my comfort. With my PTSD, I have severe issues with feeling like I am being controlled - it's one of my biggest triggers. She gently pressures me to attend social events with her and I feel controlled and it makes me spiral into mini flashbacks sometimes. I feel guilty that I am not being the friend that she used to have, and I think she doesn't really understand the severity of this problem I have. I think she thinks that by being "more" of a friend - by gently encouraging me - will help me "come out" of my shell. It couldn't be further from the truth. I need COMPLETE FREEDOM to choose when/where I go. I need to be able to completely control my social environment and be free to join and leave at my will in order to not feel controlled. I am afraid I'm going to have to keep ignoring her, or risk telling her more about my PTSD and have her not understand still...

Unfortunately, she goes to my church, so it's a place I want to go anyway...I just don't want to go if I feel "forced," as it will surely trigger a flashback.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Control. Guilt. Rejection. You hit on my biggies! You're not alone.

 

[maddog]

Another "me too" for the big 3. I could have written that post.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Me too....

 

[naturebaby_85]

Me too!!

 

[fly away home]

Another one here!!!

 

[crazy8]

Wow!

 

[rightkindofme]

That sounds frustrating.

 

[bell]

I, too, could have written that post. (And yes, @rightkindofme, it is frustrating as heck.)

It kinda breaks my heart a little bit everyday. (But I'm working on it!)

 

[crazy8]

It is extremely frustrating @rightkindofme. As I am working through therapy and reading a lot online and in these forums, I am starting to realize the extent to which this has affected my relationships and my own mental health. Feeling like you are being controlled all the time leads to avoidance and "zoning out" behaviors like substance abuse and exercise addictions. Or, if I face it, I can't help but feel extremely irritated, angry, helpless, desperate, and hate myself, engaging in self harm behaviors.

I recently realized that I have even developed my academic career goals around this need to not be controlled, becoming an extreme Type A person. In some ways, it has contributed to career success (positions where one is not controlled tend to be higher ranking positions). However, I am unable to be happy in a position where I have little freedom to make nearly all decisions.

I can't wait til I can, hopefully, someday not feel like I am being controlled by everyone, including those who love me (in a good, healthy way).

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Did/do you have an extremely controlling parent? I do. It is at the root of not wanting to be controlled. I can't get close to anyone because I feel that they just want to control me. I received the message over and over that if I am not what the other person wants, if I don't do what the other person wants me to do, (if I don't let them control me), then I am not good enough and won't be loved by them.

 

[crazy8]

@Solara. You read me like an open book. Yes, I had 3 parental figures growing up, all of whom controlled me in their own unique ways: one was emotional abuse and psychological manipulation, the second was physical violence and emotional abandonment, and the third (still is) through authoritative, dogmatic, and dominant behaviors and words.

Love came from them with the control. It's hard to parse it out now.