Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[BloomInWinter]

You ARE loved, dear (((((Junebug))))). Never forget that!

 

[Tinyflame]

Well maybe this stuff is all contributing, my sister and bf are fighting again, have been, must say he always does this before the holiday coming up. But he is violent to her, she is violent to me, or better put the surrounding actions are, and I am on eggshells. She decided yesterday, I 'cannot leave the house in the morning' (wakes her up, we both work night shifts). This morning I was brushing my teeth, she slammed her door but it didn't break. But I didn't even wash my face/ wet hair/use blow-dryer (takes about 1 to 2 minutes)- I just left on yesterday's face. I don't know how to get out of this, there seems no way. We talked the other day, she does not feel her bf's actions (in the past) are abusive. She says me not reacting is abusive to her.

Anyway, nothing to do with ptsd proper to blame but explains why I fear other's rage, anger, loud voices. I dread the weekend as she is off and it is technically one of these 'family' holidays. Guess going by how my guts feel etc this stuff all contributes (maybe).

 

[Tinyflame]

Aw Dear @BloomInWinter , only here I think. But thank you, xoxox.

 

[BloomInWinter]

If you're not loved in the real world, it's not because they know who you really are and rejected you. It's either because something is wrong with them, or they have never really known you.

Keep doing things you love doing. Do try, as much as able, to do them in public spaces, such as coffeehouses or libraries. The more you can just be near others, the more chances there will be for interacting. I know it's terribly hard but it does work.

 

[The Albatross]

Well, I was just thinking this morning, there is only one activity in this job I cannot face, cannot imagine remaining in it as it will be required likely within 1 year.

Anticipating difficulty will get you nowhere. Less than nowhere. You are no predictor of where you can be in the future. A year is, well, a year away.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @The Albatross , I believe you are right, about anticipating difficulty as being self-fulfilling and wearing. I meant as per an expected (work) requirement, analagous say to a bi-annual vision test.

I fear as per the 'future' (whether that be a few days or a year), if I am not working to change things or making that progress, I can't (naturally) expect it to be different.

Thanks Alby, :hug: .

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @BloomInWinter , thank you for that. :hug:

I will listen to what you say, it must be correct as it is difficult, am pulled to do the opposite! Makes sense too, though, safety in that at the hard times, too. And healthier, even not to isolate. Yikes, hard to find the words, hope it makes sense.

You know Bloom, though we all have our own journeys, and I don't know all the specific steps of yours, I try to always recall what you say. I relate to your descriptions, I see how many corners you've turned, how great you're doing and how far you've come. :tup: :) I am so happy for you! :hug:

And during all that, you've always helped so many others (me!) too. I will never forget, things you've mentioned, 'what' you've said. Your words really get through when it seems impossible anything could reach me (I'm certain for others also). You are amazing, and I have been so privileged. You really have such a heart of gold. :) :hug: (((((((((((Sweet Bloom))))))))

 

[Tinyflame]

Unfortunately my sister and bf are very much on the rocks. Which (selfishly speaking) also makes it harder for me (cannot decompress). But as much as I would wish they reconciled in a true and heart-felt, mature manner, if they did not accepting his behaviour as is (or treatment of her as such) would make her miserable too.

It's Thanksgiving in Canada, harder too when she doesn't have other family, as he does. Though his family is pretty miserable. But still. It was nasty timing on his part. He always does that.

She has something on her vocal cord also, hoping it's a water blister as the Dr said it may be, and not a tumour. :(

Bad timing, but I have ended up being 'taken in' as a patient by a surgeon specialist, even though I had no Dr (no referral- that is required), and without a wait (2 weeks, normal wait is months). I'll be expected to have some fairly invasive tests. Bigger problem is I have a fear of Dr's, hospitals and the such (trauma-related). Have only gone usually for occupational injuries when it was wholely unavoidable. :( A few times in 20 odd years.

 

[The Albatross]

Surely Junebug you can counter your fear of doctors and hospitals - the ones related to trauma with the visits that were inane and uneventful. Which ones will you focus on, the ones that went okay or the ones that were trauma related. Are there more trauma related visits than there are routine ones? Or are you using selective thinking/memory and accepting the ones your brain "thinks" you want it to retrieve. Brains always aim to deliver more of what it thinks you want.

 

[The Albatross]

Can I ask why this is not a diary? That has bothered me for a while. But it's just a peeve, and a question. Pay it no mind if it is upsetting to you.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Dear Albatross, not a diary as such I guess because it has been haphazzard, and just flowed where it did. Probably have used the thread to vent for myself, not a good practise, I suppose. I guess it is the ongoing struggle from where the thread began, in that radical acceptance is still required (on my part).

Yes I hear you as per the visits, that being (my) problem (and fault/ onus), I did not have mundane visits, maybe 5 in last 30 years (total), maybe no physical in 30 years and no bloodwork in almost the same. I did not have children, birth control (if desired) didn't require an actual visit, etc. Just ignored stuff or skipped the obvious, stitches/ minor breaks/ etc. I know it sounds crazy, just avoidance. But ya it's a bit interwoven/ complicated in my head (blah blah blah). Goes back to treatment of my family, their deaths, a sexual assault (me) in there as a teen (creep), last being in there after SI no one knew about, not feeling entitled, fear, fear of loss of income, couple of other thoughts. Like anyone, man-handling when you feel crappy, people are strangers, loss of control. Like I said- bleh!! So I'm going to try not to over-think about it, in my case that works best in this kind of scenario.

I realize (technically speaking) I'm lucky they have chosen to bend all the rules, even the lack of waiting time is unheard of. Just of course big step (knowing me) to get there.

Thanks Alby. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I guess thinking about it too @The Albatross (as it is a good question), I guess because much of the same conditions (at work, etc, or perhaps a better word is 'parameters') have not changed, within the radical acceptance I have learned practical applications that help daily. Not shocking eye-openers, but the importance of small things or ways to work around it. And I guess a teeny bit of understanding how they all relate together. I definitely still am open to practical suggestions, but I guess as with most things the primary things or thought processes or changes or perseverence must come within or from within myself.

Sometimes I hear something hopeful or helpful that I hope will also help others, so I post it here because I think a lot of people are in what seems un-amendable situations or moments of their journey or SI, and I hope it will help them too (even if it's just one person). And I appreciate the feedback, whether it's supportive or challenging, because I sometimes have not ever thought of what someone else might say.