Just When I Thought Things Might Be Getting Better...

[FindingMyself88]

Just when I feel like things might be getting better, something(s) knock me down again! My therapist has been going over coping skills with me and I have been trying my best to apply them. But I can feel the depression sinking back in. My health still is an up and down thing, trying to get my diabetes under control. School is kicking my tail, but in a way its been a distraction. My Therapist has really been telling me to combat the thought that I am messed up with positive thoughts. Its hard enough to fight my own thoughts, but then today my Social Psych professor made a comment that stung. I am an undergrad student working on a Research paper with her and a grad student about Post Traumatic Growth and Resiliency. Today we were meeting and creating an outline for the paper. We were on the part where we have to discuss the difference between PTG (post traumatic growth), resiliency, and PTSD. She was saying how Resiliency is bouncing back to where you were before the trauma and PTG is going beyond that to a better life and situation. Then she said people with PTSD are just screwed up??!!!

Now granted she said it jokingly and she doesn't know I have PTSD, but it stung me deeply and resurfaced all those feelings Ive been trying to fight down. Is she saying that she doesn't believe I will ever overcome PTSD? Am I not going to be resilient? I don't want to be this way forever! I DO feel screwed up. I found out I do have somatic pain symptoms from PTSD and the nightmares ( I wake up with bruises co-relating to abuse).

Am I just being over sensitive? That one statement ruined my whole day. I thought this paper would help me, but maybe I was wrong...

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

No, you are not being overly sensitive. I am so sorry. I know just how that feels.

Yanno, I would have said front and center, "I have PTSD. Does that mean you think I am screwed up?" just to see the look on her face LOL

So sorry. (((FindingMyself88)))

She was being insensitive regardless of her intention. It probably also does not mean she really believes what she said. It could be she was trying to make people giggle at a rather off the cuff remark without realizing the magnitude of it. A lot of people are just not aware of other people.

I hope that made sense. When I am feeling screwed up because of my battle with PTSD, it really helps me when my T says, "Nobody is normal. All of us Ts see our own Ts too!" :)

What do you do to self soothe?

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

She was saying how Resiliency is bouncing back to where you were before the trauma and PTG is going beyond that to a better life and situation.

I would disagree with her definition of "Resiliency". I think it is impossible to "bounce back to where you were before the trauma".

How could a trauma so deep and destructive to cause PTSD NOT permanently change our brains? There is no 'bouncing back' from that!

I think the definition of Resilience in this case would be acquiring the ability to NOT react to former triggers in a PTSD 'way'. Being strong enough, and healed enough that one could see what WAS a trigger, and feel a sense of accomplishment that what was a trigger no longer is a trigger.

You are brave, I think to tackle this subject and I wish you great success! Anything you can do to heal and or understand about the process is awesome. It sounds to me like one day you will be someone who helps others overcome their traumas and/or PTSD.

 

[macca]

It seems really natural that you reacted to her comment in the way that you did, considering that you're trying to battle the thought that you are "messed up". I have the same thought, and I'm pretty sure I would have felt the same about the comment. It also seems that she was trying to make a joke, not realising the effects of such a joke. Anyway, regarding that thought, my T told me that I'm not "messed up", my brain is doing what it was designed to do, what everyone's brain is designed to do, to guard us against further trauma. Feels really messed up, but is a normal reaction (that just happens to suck). Nobody is exempt from neurobiology! I also agree with Angelkeeper, how can Resiliancy be possible, unless a person has NOT developed PTSD?

 

[Tristera]

I totally get it. For me, that is probably the hardest thing to hear, that I'm "messed up." I think it's because I put a lot of effort into not being messed up, and then to hear something along those lines makes me feel doomed.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thanks everyone. Part of me did want to say something to her but I was too hurt to say anything rationally. Plus writing this paper and another she is allowing me to work on by myself is going to look huge on my grad school application.

Thank you Angel, I really want to help others. I'm going to school to become a mental health counselor. I pray I can get to that point.

Stronger now, I am working on those with my therapist. So far my biggest help is if I can get outside. Being outside calms me. Chamomile tea also helps because it reminds me of my grandmother. At work I will hold ice in my hands to keep from dissociating.

 

[Britt.f7]

How I would have reacted would have depended upon how I was feeling at that particular moment. I tend to search for and find humor in my situation, both for the physical conditions and the mental ones. I would have, probably, said something sarcastic in deference to me. But, if my mind was in a wounded place, I would have said nothing.

I don't think she meant anything by it. This sounds like an interesting paper. I really don't understand her definition of resiliency. It doesn't compute with what I know and have experienced. But, if that is the definition she gave you, than I guess you have to work with it as such. Interesting. Good luck on your papers.

 

[mamachick]

Your teacher was insensative and ignorant. It is the stigma in our society that prevents people from getting the help that they need, they are treated like they are weak, and blame is placed on them. Would to tell a cancer patient they are really screwed up and responsible for it?

I know what you mean about things getting better then.....first my insurance refused to pay for counseling, now they refused to pay for my anti depressant. So now, no counseling and new meds to try. I guess if you are not suicidal, they dont think you need help that is actually working. I only see this getting worse in the US in the future.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

At work I will hold ice in my hands to keep from dissociating.

It sounds like you've learned some 'tricks' to stay focused. The ice is a good one. I have some Amethyst rocks, and a few other rocks that I have used to 'ground' me, because they are cold when you first pick them up, and warm up as I roll them around in my hands. They can be kept in my pocket...ice might give my 'secret' away. LOL!

Also, the acronym (I think that's the word) HALT, helps me so I don't set myself up for anxiety.

H-hungry
A-angry
L-lonely
T-tired

All those things, if I allow them, or find myself feeling them, warns me that I need to fix one or all of those feelings.

Best of luck! You have the right intentions, and by keeping your PTSD to yourself, I think you'll feel more credible. I know I do in some circumstances!