Meltdown This Weekend

[WillyKat]

For the past month, I've been doing pretty good. I posted recently about my wilderness vision quest that taught me so much, that focussed my energies, and gave me a lot of hope.

But two days ago I got triggered by something at work that has me close to despair. This isn't a new trigger, but I understand it in a new light. It reminds me of my primary trauma but also another traumatic experience at a job I had about 15 years ago.

The rational side of my brain tells me it's nothing, but the other part is full-blown anxiety. I slept maybe four hours over the past two nights. I'm keyed up and on edge. This morning I was telling my wife about it all and balling my eyes out. I've never cried so hard in front of anyone like that since I first recalled my repressed memories at age 21. Yeah, I get the idea that being able to share like that is a good sign and all. And I actually felt while I was crying that maybe the worst of this weekend is over, that I'm on my way out of this.

But I can still feel the knot in my stomach. This is a fairly new job for me; I've been here ten months or so. There are several employees there that I've worked with previously and when I was interviewing, the praised my work. I'm not that guy anymore. I'm not some superstar. I'm so pre-occupied with my mental health that I make stupid mistakes. And the fact is, I just don't want to do this anymore. I have no motivation. It's all just meaningless. I work on products that I just don't believe in.

I don't think I'm worried about losing my job; which is to say that I don't think I care. I could use the time off for me. What I really want to do is something meaningful, something where I can help others like me and in the process help myself. Most of that pays a lot less than what I'm doing now.

My wife even suggested something about disability. I don't think it's nearly that bad, and it may be nothing, but I sure would like to make a big change. Should I quit? Retire in my mid-50s? Live in a tent?

Meanwhile my anxiety is still running high and I dread the upcoming work week, probably for no good reason. I've had some SI, my usual grounding technique doesn't seem to be working at all. And this post I'm writing is rambling all over the place.

I'm thinking of telling my boss something about dealing with a lot of personal issues and that I'm screwing up because of it. Thoughts?

 

[Mercy]

Dear WillyKat,
I think your wife has a good idea. Going on Disability will give you some freedom to do some of the trauma work without worrying about work. Therapy, for me, certainly was disabling and exhausting. It is worth doing. Eventually you really can get your life back. PTSD is more than a lot of personal issues"

We are here for you whatever you choose to do.

 

[WillyKat]

Thanks so much. There's another alternative too. I could just stick it out until the current project is done in a few weeks and then quit. Take a couple of months to find the right job for me.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Speaking from the practical side of things, it's not so easy as to just leave work and go on disability. Many are out of work for years before being granted disability. It's often a long drawn out process where you get denied and then have to find a lawyer. I've heard of others having to fight for up to five years. And the fact that you're currently working will likely work against you.

Having said that, yes, I am on disability and mine it was approved within a few months. However, I was at the bottom of the psychological functioning scale and spent two of the last four months hospitalized prior to receiving my approval. I had not been able to work for a year and a half. Your situation appears to be a bit different.

I don't mean to scare you, rather say that disability isn't necessarily the magic answer you're looking for.

 

[Barberian]

But two days ago ~
The rational side ~
But I can still feel the knot ~
Should I quit? Retire in my mid-50s? Live in a tent?

Meanwhile my anxiety is still running high and I dread the upcoming work week, probably for no good reason. I've had some SI, my usual grounding technique doesn't seem to be working at all. And this post I'm writing is rambling all over the place.

I'm thinking of telling my boss something about dealing with a lot of personal issues and that I'm screwing up because of it. Thoughts?

Sometimes when everything is going peachy we drop our guard and get roflstomped by something we weren't aware of that was bothering us. It's very common for us PTSD sufferers to be in denial and thing we are "just fine", when in fact we still have a long way to go. I'm not trying to be negative, it's just from personal experience and what I've seen others go through here on the forum. At least we are working on it or we wouldn't be here.

As for the "should I quit" question, I suggest doing "the list". Make two columns. Mark one "Quit/retire/disability" and the other "keep working". Then fill in the benefits of what comes to mind in each column. Try to add in consequences - difference in income, time it will take to get accepted for disability/benefits, benefits, stress, free time, socializing. insurance (include quality of insurance. Personally the insurance I get from retiring from the military - some years it is good insurance accepted by all, some years I almost had to be dieing before I could get my insurance accepted because they change insurance companies every couple years). This will help flesh out your decision. Quitting/retiring/disability will be a drastic life change as I'm sure you know. With an abundance of free time, it's hard not to stew in one's juices so to say. The difference in income also adds it's own stresses. A career change might be a good idea also.

Personally, I think staying active in society in some capacity is a good idea regardless of how you decide to do it. That is, of course if you can. Once you take a step back from being active in society, it's very hard to step back into society. Only you know where your head is at, your capabilities and needs.

 

[The Albatross]

I give more credence to the rational side than the anxiety these days... just sayin'. I manage the reactions and deal with it. Two days, isn't really the stuff a decision like disability is made of is it?

I am really starting to understand, myself, that the amount of anxiety I carry is disproportional most often percentage-wise to the perceived offending situation. And if I carry it more than a few hours, it is rumination OR it needs action.

 

[arfie]

Well... You triggered awareness of my own self-sabotage cycle. Not sure that has anything to do with you, but... You know those triggered states are. I gots to talk it out. Throughout my life I have built my life to what I thought I wanted and then one day hit a crisis that brings it all tumbling down. Several of my shrinks thought it was attached to my self esteem issues.

Gentle reflections, WillyKat. Hope you find what it is for you.

 

[WillyKat]

@Barberian, you are so right about being "rolfstomped". And I already know that lesson from hard experience (but thanks for the new slang term). During therapy just Thursday I was smiling and feeling pretty good about all the progress of late. Then I told my therapist that I know I still have a long way to go.

Whack!

Does anyone know about Coyote, the Trickster of native American mythology? He's very active with us.

@Albatross: two days isn't that bad, no. The incident I had 15 years ago, maybe. I just changed jobs less than a year ago. It's too bad my past employer (where I worked for about 8 years) didn't offer sabbaticals or medical leaves. Another employee there had collapsed at work twice and had to quit because they wouldn't let him take a medical leave.

@arfie: Am feeling a bit better now. It's amazing sometimes what a little talking it out can do. Crying probably helped too. I got a good chuckle interacting with my neighbor's dog about an hour ago; I swear he tries to speak to people.

 

[mamachick]

Whatever you decide, I also think staying active and involved is important. It is very easy to drop out of life and isolate when we are not employed or obligated. It can be very insidious and then one day you wake up and realize that you have quit everything. Maybe I am the exception-but I did it.

 

[DMerish]

I don't think I'm worried about losing my job; which is to say that I don't think I care. I could use the time off for me. What I really want to do is something meaningful, something where I can help others like me and in the process help myself. Most of that pays a lot less than what I'm doing now.

I can relate to what you write.
In short, unless you have a physical condition or you're in a situation similar to the one Solara described, getting on government disability is oftentimes extremely difficult or claiming DI from carrier can be a very lengthy and traumatic process in its self.

I worked in the disability insurance (DI) industry for twenty-three years. The company was sued due to irresponsibly handling claims (denials). Employer tried to harass and traumatize me into leaving because I knew "where the bodies were buried". The company won each of the suits or the suit was dropped because the person died and the family didn't want to continue to deal with lawyers. Long story, I won't bother with the rest of the details, I'll just say I was able to go back to school and land a job in an area that I believe in: I had to work because I was a single mom to teens and still need to build up my retirement. I dislike the job very much now, and my newish boss. I'd much rather organize fly-fishing expeditions and hike glaciated mountains. I figure though, that the closest I'll come to either of those two things is living off the grid and fishing and hiking sometimes.

In short, what you choose to do really depends on a lot of things that only you'll be able to weigh before your decision. One of them being that unless you have a physical condition or you're in a situation similar to the one Solara described, getting on government disability is oftentimes extremely difficult or claiming DI from carrier can be a very lengthy and traumatic process in its self. And, also what Barbarian said about being part of "society"

Drew (pic attached)
Hopefully, the treehouse my "boys" are building for me will be finished next year and I can "retire" ;)

 

[WillyKat]

Wow DMerish, my dream is an off-the-grid homestead too. Vegeble garden, fishing pole. I'd take a treehouse even. My wife wouldn't go for it though. And thanks for the tip on DI. I think if it came to it, being jobless isn't so bad. Back in 2003-2004 when my line of work was bad, I was out of work for a total of 11 months.

 

[WillyKat]

I should have added that this morning after a night of very little sleep, I was trying to tell my wife what was going on with me. For reasons I don't quite know, I started talking about our son, who is now old enough that we never have to worry about what happened to me happening to him. Well, I didn't really finish that thought before I burst in out uncontrollable crying.

This didn't really sink in until this evening. I began therapy when he was about the age when I was raped. A year ago, I started therapy about the time he first moved away from home. We did it, we kept him safe, at least from that. He's a young man and there are plenty of dangers in the world, but at least not that.