Toolkit: Stop Caring About What Others Think

[BloomInWinter]

This has been a tough issue for me. I thought I should always know what someone was thinking. That gave me the illusion of predictability and safety. But not really, as it turned out.

Aren't we entitled to own our thoughts? Shouldn't we be allowed to only share what we choose to? We all have negative thoughts about other people sometimes, even people we love. Would we want them to know what we were really thinking about them?

We are entitled to our own thoughts. So is everyone else. If they want us to know, it brings much inner peace to presume they aren't thinking about us at all, but worried about their own issues. If not, that's their problem.

That's not to say we shouldn't care what some trusted, respected, safe people think. It just means not everyone has rights to rule our lives.

Also, we can derail the previous programming by passively-aggressive people by only going on what someone says and pretending we don't understand the unspoken message. Refusing to show a reaction to what we think they mean instead of what they say takes their power over our feelings away.

 

[DMerish]

Refusing to show a reaction to what we think they mean instead of what they say takes their power over our feelings away.

Responding to what someone actually says rather than tone of voice, mannerisms, etc. and what I think the person means, is really, hard for me to do with people I'm close to - Yea, it's the co-dependent thing.

I've tried derailing by claiming not to understand the unspoken message - It's always a bit amazing to learn whether the person will comes back with a clear, direct statement or question, or with more unspokeness, i.e. "Don't act stupid. You know what I'm saying." or "You'll just have to figure it out yourself" - > That one doesn't work too well when the person actually wants something from me. :woot:

 

[Britt.f7]

Thanksgiving is coming up, which means anxiety in the days leading up to it. I know I shouldn't care about what people think but I do worry that they are judging me. Especially in regards to my weight, so I usually don't eat. I am the biggest one of the group. I just want to say la la la so that my brain doesn't think about it, so that I can't hear the negative thoughts I have. But they are there.

 

[DMerish]

Set yourself up beforehand by making the decision to inwardly say "La-la-la" whenever you find yourself wondering/worrying what others might be thinking about you. Or put a somewhat thick rubber band on your wrist, and pull that baby so it snaps whenever you find yourself thinking about what others might be thinking.

Eat. Please eat, and enjoy yourself. Enjoying yourself puts others much more at ease whether or not they are judging you or not. If you don't eat, then that will put more focus on you, possibly making the situation worse.

:hug: Just my $0.02

 

[Britt.f7]

It's a big group I don't think they notice if I eat. I usually keep myself busy with doing dishes and such. I end up having a good time. It's the beforehand that gets me. However, good suggestions and I might just have to use that rubber band. I have to remind myself that they have other things to think about other then me.

Thanks again.

 

[Britt.f7]

Did get a couple comments asking me if I was going to eat this time, so I guess they have noticed. I really had to keep myself in check. My sister seemed a little distracted so I felt she was annoyed with me, but after I asked her what the matter was and she denied that anything was, I just had to let it go. Took a little bit. Okay, maybe more then a little, but I managed to quit worrying.

 

[Philippa]

I've noticed this behaviour creeping back into my life recently...like today, and yesterday, over a friend online who I think thinks a certain way about me now, even though I don't really know what he thinks. I'm finding facebook is dangerous in this way, as I start going off into fantasy lands about how I am perceived and what some people are thinking. Doing my best to limit time on there, and painting instead, as some emotional stuff is surfacing at the moment, that needs digesting. This thread helped to remind me to stop myself from going too far down that hole when it starts up...and bring myself back to reality...I do not know what people are thinking about me, and chances are they aren't even thinking about me...they are too caught up in their own lives and insecurities themselves, and may be also having the same co dependent thoughts?

 

[BloomInWinter]

My life is so different now. I live who I am and I have gained many wonderful like-minded friends. I've also lost many who were FINOS (friend-in-name-only.) I have ditched those who aren't healthy for me.

Learning to only care about what I think of me, and the opinions of my children, therapists, and true friends has really opened up my life and my feelings of safety in the world.

I hide nothing about my opinions on Facebook. I regret nothing. When I decided to live who I am, those around me who think/feel like I do showed themselves.

If I could give a gift to all PTSD sufferers, it would be the ability to not waste a single moment of their lives wondering about the opinions of others instead of enjoying that time on this earth.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Bloom thank you so much for what you said today, I really needed to hear this and I believe you.:hug: