Emotions? Sheesh, Who Came Up With That Idea?

[Hashi]

I'm just starting a month's break from therapy, because it was getting too much, and in amongst all the other stuff about not seeing my therapist where I worry and feel alone etc etc is a HUGE RELIEF because I get a month off addressing/talking about/thinking about/avoiding/getting distressed about.... emotions.

There's a wall that I hit that's called "too personal". I've talked in therapy about toe-curling stuff to do with being raped and other things, and by most standards that would be pretty personal, but when it comes to how I feel... I still can't go there. I really can't.

One of the things my therapist does is Gestalt. When something came up recently about my feelings about my previous therapist and how I feel about how therapy ended, my current therapist invited me to "talk" (symbolically) to my previous therapist about that. Not.in.a.million.years would I say those things in front of someone. Not even my therapist, who I like and trust. I'd rather talk about trauma, thanks. (And I really don't want to talk about trauma.)

This is so depressing. How do I ever get past it? How do you ever accept feelings, when you've needed to keep well away from them your whole life? (Yes, I have kept away from them - if anyone wants a masterclass in dissociation and derealisation, please contact me.)

I should probably say that I've experienced a lot of childhood abuse, and so far it's adult trauma that I've been working on, with some of the childhood stuff, which has been mostly destabilising. I do realise that the childhood trauma is affecting my experience, I just don't know how to deal with this. Basically, emotions are....a really bad idea, But there they are! (Allegedly.)

 

[samson]

Hashi, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I understand what you are saying. It's good to take a break. I haven't done emdr for about a month now and have only talked to my therapist twice. I feel so much stronger. It's a really hard journey and we can only go as fast as our brains and bodies will allow. It's okay to rest. I was not allowed to express my emotions as a kid. I have so much buried anger. Sometimes we start to get into that and I just get sick. My therapist says that it's anxiety about the anger that comes up and once I can actually express that anger I will feel peaceful. Makes me want to throw up.

Hang in there. I know from reading your previous posts that you've come so far. Try to focus on the progress you've made and the positive changes you have noticed. The rest will eventually work itself out. I know how badly we all want a timeline for these things. It's just not fair.

 

[Abstract]

Hashi, this is one of the main most fundamental problems I have. I wouldn't have been able to discuss any online 2 years ago either. I am afraid I don't have any magic solution. For me I have just been practising trying to share on line to desensitise myself.

Telling what I feel and displaying emotions in front of a therapist feels like handing them all the "goods" on me and being way way to vulnerable and personal with them.

I think its our perception that needs to start changing. The belief that emotions are dangerous, that they aren't something that others (us?) can be trusted with and are something that should be hidden. With me even from myself for the longest time and as a default. Emotions shouldn't be a four letter word.

Its also possibly about denying them. I would do anything to distance myself from feeling tin therapy. Saying how we felt connects us to the emotions and that is scary if we are emotion and trauma phobic.

 

[Rumors]

Good thread.. Sending lots of encouragement your way in finding all the right answers and some peace! Best wishes!

 

[mamachick]

I think I have used defense mechanisms, primarily humor to avoid negative feelings. Intelectually, I have always known that they are not really negative and positive feelings but still interpret them that way deep down I guess. So I dislike sadness, anger, fear, resentment, guilt, shame in myself among others. I have hit the point that there is no more denial. It makes it more of a flooding of emotions that I do not want.

My insurance cut my therapist off. I have a choice of only a small group and do not want to change for the obvious reasons but for others as well. So I am involunarily on break. I am actually appreciating this. However, I have been in bed for nearly a month except for trips to the bathroom for for a bit of food and to let the dogs out and in. I have been sick but feel like it is healing as well. I hope so.

 

[Eleanor]

Hashi and Abstract, could it help to take a more objective clinical view of what emotions are? This is really a wild left field guess at something that might be helpful.

I am thinking here about the models of "coaching" I got from my yoga teacher about labor when I was pregnant. She explained how labor worked and what my body was doing and how it was all important and helpful for bringing the baby into the world. Then she "simulated" a contraction by squeezing my quadricep really really hard - so it HURT. She asked me to notice my reaction. I tensed up. She told me tensing up would make a contraction last longer and hurt more. Then she gave me instruction as to how to "ride" the contraction. Feel the muscles tense up (which she simulated by squeezing gradually) and as they tense, I was supposed to relax. This felt extremely unnatural. But it did hurt less. She taught my H to do the squeezing thing so we could practice a bunch so it would become automatic. It worked. I labored for more than 24 hours, and honestly, even though I had "back labor" it was not that bad. It was a lot of concentration. But not that bad or scary. I knew what was going to happen. I knew it would pass (one way or another!) My midwife was livid that the surgeon didn't give me any pain meds - none til we got to the OR - a few hours after we got to the hospital. She apparently thought my level of pain was unacceptable.

The same basic situation applies to re-experiencing trauma emotions. They are very painful (understatement par excellence.) They are necessary to get to the next thing. They are not permanent (though they sure seem that way when you are in them.) If you broke them down even more into physiological components - gut clenching for fear, throat tightening for rage, etc. etc. then perhaps it would be possible not to get entirely "pulled in" and endure until the emotion passed? Suppose you "coached" yourself for trying to work through those emotions? You could start small. Really small. And practice until you felt confident you could do more. And that emotions are not permanent.

Paul Ekman's book "Explaining Emotions" is one I find has really really helped me understand how emotions work. Antonio Damasio's book on Emotions (forgot the title for the moment) is a lot more academic, but really really insightful and a new take on how emotions all work.

Take what seems useful, leave the rest.

 

[Mayday]

How do you ever accept feelings, when you've needed to keep well away from them your whole life? (Yes, I have kept away from them - if anyone wants a masterclass in dissociation and derealisation, please contact me.)

Same here. Have no idea what the answer is.

 

[macca]

I agree, emotions suck, and I do feel quite phobic of the bad stuff. Working on this with my T right now actually.

The belief that emotions are dangerous, that they aren't something that others (us?) can be trusted with and are something that should be hidden.

That there sums it up for a lot of us I think.

They are necessary to get to the next thing. They are not permanent

I need to remind myself of this.

 

[intothelight]

For me to allow "feeling" or to express anything that wasn't "tough" was to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable meant that I was "weak" and open to being hurt. I've had enough hurt to last a lifetime and then some, so emotions became "risky".

Still working on how to normalize my own emotions as they get blocked, flood in or I fall back on my old standby of "anger". Truth is I am afraid of emotion and somehow have to learn that it is OK to have them and they are "safe".

Don't know if any of that makes sense, but just my thoughts.

 

[samson]

I think I have used defense mechanisms, primarily humor to avoid negative feelings. Intelectually, I have always known that they are not really negative and positive feelings but still interpret them that way deep down I guess. So I dislike sadness, anger, fear, resentment, guilt, shame in myself among others. I have hit the point that there is no more denial. It makes it more of a flooding of emotions that I do not want.

This is me to a tee. The other day in therapy I was telling him about a memory that came up during the week of my mom locking the bathroom door (where she kept me in time out). I didn't even realize I was laughing, but my T said "I wonder if you weren't laughing if you would cry about that right now?" I both hate it and love it when he does that.

 

[mamachick]

After childhood trauma, then domestic violence, I re-married. My new husband was quite emotionless. He rarely showed any real excitement or passion, and rarely showed anger or being displeased either. I eventually learned that he was passive aggressive. Living with him for 17 years-I was not permitted to show sadness, grief, fear, anger, or any other emotion that we dont consider positive. If I did, he disappeared. I learned to be as flat as he is. However, looking back, I think I was dissociating some back then.

I dont have the answers, but I do know for myself that mine have become more negative than positive. Ironically, whenever I am around him, even if I have been in a good mood, I find myself turning immediately negative. I dont know if it is because I fear that if he see's me happy, he will take it away, or if it is because I know how much he hates any open negativity. I know its unconscious, but I do realize that I do this. With others I can put on the happy face and fake it. With him, I immediately turn miserable.

I also know that without getting to the absolute root of my emotions and accepting them, I dont think I can ever feel any genuine joy, pleasure, happiness, or love. I need to feel the dark to experience the light. My T suggests that I meditate with my feelings and just feel them, but I have difficulty turning off the tv and making myself do this.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am trying to deal with a lot of emotions right now and I am realizing I have no idea how to handle them. My therapist said that I do know, becasue sharing them is part of handling them.

I hate emotions. I miss being numb.