Suggestions To Get My Fiancee To Accept My Ptsd As Real?

[Blue Survivor]

I left a very abusive husband. After some time alone, I began dating the man who is now my fiancee. We have been together for almost 3 years now, and he is by far the best man I've ever met. But due to some recent added stress, I have been having a very hard time with my PTSD. My fiancee refuses to accept my PTSD as 'real' and he has even accused me of 'using it' as an excuse to get what I want.

Today for example, we were switching around the decor of our fish tank. I was sitting on the floor with a bucket, waiting for a snake-like fish to get out of a hollow decoration so that we could replace it. This fish likes to hide and he's always darted into a cave or whatnot when a person approaches the tank. So the fish needed some quiet so that he could swim out of the decoration on his own. I kept suggesting that my fiancee sit down and be quiet for a few minutes...not just because he is a big guy with a deep voice and was pacing back and forth in front of the bucket...but because he was making me nervous. (Maybe because I was sitting on the floor and this big guy was walking around me repeatedly?) He didn't take my suggestion, so I asked him again - verbalized that he was making me nervous and that I could use a little break. Still he did not take a moment to just sit down and wait quietly for this fish to come out, so I finally said: "I'm having anxiety, please sit down and be quiet just for a minute; please!" at which point he accused me of 'using this PTSD stuff' to get him to do what I wanted him to do.

It is really hard for me to admit when I am having a tough time with PTSD, and it doesn't help that added stress seems to worsen it for me. I feel very vulnerable when things like this happen, and I could really use his support a lot of the time. He just doesn't seem to accept that this is REAL and that it is very hard, often crippling to deal with. He'll say things like 'just don't think about it' or 'time to move on from that, it was the past.' He even sometimes diminishes my feelings - like because they aren't his feelings or thoughts that they don't matter.

I don't want him walking around on eggshells, so to speak, but I really need his support on this. I've tried asking him to read up about it, educate himself...that's good for about a day and then it is forgotten. What else can I do?

 

[Annie B]

This might sound crazy, but have you considered having him read what you just wrote?

In the heat of the moment we try to express why we feel the way we do and our words may not be interpreted the way we think they should be. Our supporters are really trying too but they can't fully understand our perspective, even with books, articles, etc. They just want to fix us and are frustrated when they feel so powerless.

 

[LaVitaEBella]

Hi Blue. This is my first post here and I just signed up. It's interesting because I've come across this forum before and have been too afraid to create and account or write anything for about a year. But today my boyfriend and I set up our fishtank too! We just downsized from a 29 gallon tank to a 12 and we spent the afternoon rearranging the decor and also moving our fish from a bucket back into the tank. :)

I don't know that I have advice re: how to handle this situation if after three years your fiancee 'doesn't get it'. It's hard because I also get very anxious when my boyfriend gets upset. We never argue (strange, I know) but he'll get mad at the TV or frustrated about work and his tone and his mannerisms scare me. They're never directed at me and he's always been very understanding and patient with my PTSD. He's not a violent person and he doesn't even raise his voice - it's just almost like a flashback because other people I've dated would escalate from being irritated to being violent and I can't disconnect the behavior.

Maybe when it feels like it's a good time, you can ask him to sit with you and talk about how you feel? I know that it's helpful to talk about "my reality versus your reality." For example, sometimes someone can say something as a joke and it can come off as offensive to the person that hears it. That's because everyone has their own reality, which is made up of past experiences, opinions, traumas, etc. So even if someone means no harm, they can cause harm. The issue there is that the reality of the person telling the joke is not the reality of the person hearing the joke - you know what I mean? So in this situation no one is wrong or right - but realities should be discussed. As in, "When you told me that joke, I thought you were being hurtful." And then the person might say, "Oh gosh! That wasn't my intention at all!" So the reality of one person was, "Here's a funny joke" and the reality of the other person was, "You're trying to hurt/offend me."

I think the best thing to do is practice a feedback loop. This is the action of explaining your feelings based on a reaction. So if he snapped at you a bit and was short with you today, you can say:

"When you lose your patience with me and tell me I'm using PTSD as an excuse, I feel like you don't believe that I have fears and anxiety and it makes me feel _________."

The key is to explain a scenario that affected you, explain YOUR reality, and then explain how you felt.

Ideally he would do the same thing and offer you a feedback loop. Something like,

"When you tell me you are scared of me, I feel like you can't trust me and that makes me sad."

Your reality (and his) might be different - You just have to understand how you feel and understand that his observations of a situation may be different than yours. I've tried to explain to my boyfriend that my heart races when he becomes angry and his reality is that it's funny because he's only yelling at the TV. The more I communicate this to him, the more he seems to understand. I also wait until after he's no longer frustrated to approach the subject. Typically he's mad for like 10 seconds and then it's over and I bring it up later that evening. Hope that helps?

 

[Barconian]

Perhaps your boy friend isn't coping with your PTSD and maybe using denial as a scape goat. You have to deal with this together and you need to build understanding between each other to work through this!

 

[C689]

Communication is key. Maybe approach it as what is happening and how it is making you feel... without using the term PTSD.

 

[Promicarus]

I liked

That's because everyone has their own reality, which is made up of past experiences, opinions, traumas, etc. So even if someone means no harm, they can cause harm.

I have to wonder, is your fiancee an "old-fashioned" sort of guy?

Why? The reason I ask is because it's common for people from traditional "old fashioned" backgrounds to often think in terms that to "be too easy" on someone, is to actually harm them...in other words, that the worst thing he could do for you is "coddle you" by "giving in" to your symptoms...and he's trying to get you to "suck it up", instead--as a means of encouraging you to get past it.

It may be the only kind of solution that was modeled in his own home, by his parents. As LaVitaEBella so rightly put it, in his reality, the only solution may be simply ignoring bad feelings until they go away. This is, after all, a very old-fashioned view of the way to get over discomfort, from before there was any recognition of the validity of such disorders, or for that matter, any hope of finding any way of actually improving it by addressing it. The "suck it up", and "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" attitude was really all that existed, then--and people from such traditions can often still have that perspective.

I'm just guessing, of course. Just a suggestion. But I'm speaking from experience, as this was the model I grew up with. Express a need/weakness--well you "deserve to be attacked...it'll help you learn to not to weaknesses. And that's what you need.", in other words.

Maybe it really is a matter of seeing it from two different realities--his being, if he doesn't help you learn to "just suck it up", then he's hurting, not helping you, from his perspective.

Do you take any other measures toward treatment of your symptoms. Often such traditional "I've got to see it to believe it" types have to have the corroboration of a licensed professional in order to give credence to much, as legitimate.

Even just seeing you take concerted measures, yourself, on your own, to address it in an organized effort, might go a ways towards convincing him that it's "real".

Take care--there are people who understand, and your feelings are valid.

 

[nursenurse]

Have this settled before you actually get married. I agree with the poster who said to let him read what you wrote, or at least, write him another letter that explains your views factually without calling him down. Do you have a trusted doctor, or a therapist? Make an appointment for the both of you, have that person explain PTSD to him, so that you do not get up in the emotion of the explanation like you would if you were trying to explain it yourself. Your T or your doc can explain it very factually, without disclosing anything you have told them, unless you want them to.

Some folks are of the old school, as some one suggested in a previous post, they take the suck it up approach without intending any harm to you. Re evaluate your relationship honestly to determine if this is what is true, because if it is, it can be worked on. But I would not say any "I do's" until I see progress in that area, in that he is at least willing to try for your sake. If you are feeling badly now, wait until it is forever. I hope you can work it out, good relationships are never easy PTSD or not, but they should be uplifting for the most part. Good luck.

 

[maryiscontrary]

The formula I use is this. First, express your needs via clear non violent communication technique...this increases the odds that you are heard. He ain't hearing you right now. If that doesn't work, really be mindful, and try stating this need again, via super duper non violent technique, being mindful of your outward expressions.

Now, what I do if I am STILL not heard is realize, on a deep level, that all the kings horses and men efforts is not going to get this guy or girl to listen to you. This is the reality. This person cannot or will not process empathy. It is a handicap, Iin my opinion like dyslexia, it is not personal.

You then draw a boundary and orient your response to it. It is very, very triggering to me not to be heard, so I distance myself immediately. I am training this person how to treat me. Like Pavlov and his dog, conditioning. My actions terminate proximity and communication, so that emotionally handicapped person gets the idea through cause and effect.

 

[Promicarus]

You then draw a boundary and orient your response to it. It is very, very triggering to me not to be heard, so I distance myself immediately. I am training this person how to treat me. Like Pavlov and his dog, conditioning. My actions terminate proximity and communication, so that emotionally handicapped person gets the idea through cause and effect.

I agree. I think we must do whatever is necessary in order to be heard, to be taken seriously--and if even then we're not, to distance ourselves, for our own good. I've had to learn to do the same with close family members, myself. Holding out for something that someone just doesn't have to give is...pointless, and diminishing--disempowering. I know if I stay around long enough, I'm unconsciously teaching myself that I don't actually deserve better, and that abuse is acceptable.

I think you should draw a firm boundary, as well. I think we're often reluctant to do so because we don't feel entitled to stick up for ourselves, so are afraid of being seen to "make a big deal" out of something. But I think that setting a boundary implies making as big a deal as is necessary to get your point across, then--as maryiscontrary mentioned--holding that line, and not relenting into accepting the pre-existing reality/state of affairs.

Have you thought of waiting until an opportunity far removed from the time of the incident, and in a private, safe place associated with your intimacy as a couple--ie the bedroom, etc. And approaching him very calmly, and in soft-spoken tones, but with very firm and deliberate delivery? I.E.--"We need to talk....(solemnly)...you know I really don't feel as though you're taking my issues seriously at all. And that's a real problem for me. I need to feel as though you care enough to listen, and take me seriously. When you dismiss me, it makes me feel rejected, and insulted, and resentful...so makes me want to distance myself from you. What can we do to work on this?"

Just suggestions. I know this approach has been used by exes--back when I was still the "old-fashioned" style man that my family modeled for me--not the most attentive, sensitive person in the world. For me, at the time, it took that kind of serious tone, and "staging" to get through to me. It had to be "made a big deal of"...unconsciously, that was the criteria that something had to rise to in order for me to actually consider it significant enough to take seriously. But it did work.
Having someone you love come to you in peace, hurting, only stating her needs, but doing so firmly and seriously--somehow "flips a switch" in the male head, I think, often times. The classic "We need to talk..." moment.

Men just need it spelled out in no uncertain terms, sometimes, in order to consider it a real issue--often we're taught to speak in the language of confrontation: If someone were really serious, they'd confront us about it.

You're worth it, and you can do it. He may well gain a new respect for you. I know I did, at these times.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

What if he said he thought you were using your cancer diagnosis to control him? It's pretty much the same thing. I hope he can see the light, but if he can't, I hope you can see that you deserve an empathetic partner.

 

[Abstract]

I can't read much of what is written here but I do think the best way of doing this is to have joint session with a T. That and if you are able to get him to read something educational. Ask in the supporters section as I have heard a book highly recommended.

The other thing I wanted to say is that this is often a sign that the person struggles with empathy in general. Are you looking at this man clearly and seeing who he really is as opposed to seeing him as better than the rest? Does he put his own comfort aside for you at times? How does he speak of others when they are not well or strong?

Its common for people to not understand but I hope he is open to learning for you both.

 

[Britt.f7]

I was thinking the same as Abstract, regarding having him in on a session. This is important to get worked out.

My family sounds like your fiance. They said similar things about my depression, not about getting attention though. So when I first brought it up with my husband, the depression, and apologized profusely about it, I fully expected him to react the same as them. Snap out of it and such. Amazingly, he did not. If anything he has been more understanding then even I am about it all. You deserve this too. He sounds like he'll have to work on it. Maybe someone in his past used their illness as a tool, but you are not them. Please work this out before you marry. Good luck.