Undiagnosed Care To Lend Some Advice?

[HemlockGrove]

So my last official Dx was Bipolar 2. That was at a hospital where I was at for a week and I didn't quite get to explain what was really going on with me. So here is a quick list of my problems:

Depression - Fluctuates, can be rather rapid. Haven't had a major episode in over 2 years. Used to be suicidal. Now it's just occasional deep sadness. No guilt or worthlessness though. Just a desire to not have my life. (Would be fine with death, or with a different life. Just not this one.)

Anxiety - This is just all over the place. Sometimes I have no problem for weeks other times I have to go to the bathroom in the middle of a school day just so I don't run out of the room just to get away. Usually it focuses on a fear of lack of control.

Dissociation - I have fragments, but it's not Dissociative Identity Disorder. The biggest fragment that has lasted the longest is named Max. He is basically a sociopath. Sometimes he hides and doesn't cause any problems for a while but when he comes out he likes to make a mess of things. I never lose control but my emotional perspective on things will align more with Max than what would be normal for me. I do have internal voices, and Max does sound different than my internal thought. It's almost like I have a polarity split in me. An overwhelming good that would do anything for the greater good, and then Max, who thinks it would be fun to blow up the moon or start the nuclear war just for the fun of it and the mass death. Max also pushes me to almost a serial killer thought process. I can legitimately see myself doing that, and enjoying it. And at the same time I am balanced by the good side who would rather kill myself than let Max leave a body trail.

Anger - I have a kind of poison in me that decides at random points to lash out. I used to think it was totally random but I'm recently discovering that it flares a lot more when I am losing control or am overtly stressed out.

The Trauma - When I was 4 or 5 my Dad threw an absolute fit. He destroyed most of the house and was yelling and screaming. Before this my house was calm, my Dad was calm, I looked up to him, and I felt safe. When this happened, my younger brother and I were hiding under the dining room table. My memory is hazy around this (probably in part because I was so young), but I distinctly remember seeing the look of terror on my brother's face and I immediately and instinctively shoved down my fear and terror in order to protect and comfort my brother. Now I knew that my Dad wouldn't actually hurt us but I was still terrified. Over the years I moved repeatedly (Basically having friends repeatedly die) and was forced into a caretaker role as my mom became sicker and sicker with her mental health problems (Which has recently come out as DID). I had a step-mom who played favorites and I was forced to learn her game and play it (Which is where I learned how to be as manipulative as I am) So I have had a lot of low level of trauma over at least a decade (Which is so weird to think about). I am very able to compartmentalize and that is what has gotten me through everything. It seems like that first trauma started my dissociative ability and everything after that just reinforced it.
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Now my question is - if you took the time to read that boring stuff - does that sound like PTSD to anyone? Or does it sound like just a dissociative disorder? The way I understand it is that PTSD is a form of a dissociative disorder?

 

[Lost Pup]

Regardless what your dx is, it certainly sounds reasonabl for you to find a therapist that works in a paradigm which acknowledges and addresses trauma. Someone who does DBT, EMDR, somatic experiencing, etc. They will be your best guide in so far as getting to the root of what is going on. Good luck.

 

[jd9900]

Howdy. :) You know, I never really considered it but I too have very similar tendencies as you described with Max. For 90% of the time I live on the "good" side of the moral line, usually to an extreme. Then my own "Max" will come out and for no good reason just salt the earth around him. I spend much of the other 90% of the time making amends for my "Max" as a result. Rinse, lather, repeat. In my case though, my "Max" takes over - he's my pit bull dragging me along for a walk as I desperately try to hold onto his leash. i'm not always successful.

I know it's hard to get a good "read" on people over a text-based forum, but honestly it sounds like however you would diagnose it, you are approaching it as rationally and...dare I say healthy...as one might hope for. If I had to guess, I would bet one of the main sources of your frustration is that you know all of these things but are still dealing with that caged beast inside.

As a life-long pacifist it is very difficult for me to live with this thing inside me. As Showtime's Dexter would call it, my "Dark Passenger."

Writing, for me, has proven very helpful. I can create a utopic world in my head, then let that dark passenger loose. Sometimes I am appalled at the things I write until I realize - no reason I can't treat this like an etch a scetch - So I mentally erase what I have (and empty the recycle bin..:) ) And start over. At the end I find I am exhausted, much less stressed, and like I actually did something productive even with my destructive friend.

Hope some of this helps. And thanks for bringing up Max, it gave me something to think about.

 

[HemlockGrove]

Thank you @Lost Pup for the response! My current psych said, and I totally agree with him, that it wouldn't be that beneficial for me to go into something like that right now, given that I am still helping my mom and still exposed to the same type of stressors that exacerbated my problems, however, once I get out and get a good footing in life where I can fall back on without those stressors everyday at home, then something like EMDR would help immensely.

If I had to guess, I would bet one of the main sources of your frustration is that you know all of these things but are still dealing with that caged beast inside.

Yeeeeeep pretty much!!

"Dark Passenger."

Thank you so much for being the first person to say this xD That was an amazing reference!

And I love creating internal worlds to dictate as I wish (I must say...nuclear apocalypse isn't what it's chalked up to be lmao)

Hope some of this helps. And thanks for bringing up Max, it gave me something to think about.

It definitely helped me:) And you are very welcome!!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Stop me if I'm wrong, but how isn't this DID? You have a distinct personality. I was housed with many DID patients in the hospital and they sound like you. Sometimes it's about co-piloting rather than a complete blackout switch. Have you taken the test? Again, I'm baffled as to how you can have named personalities and not have DID?

 

[ms spock]

DID is really rare and a lot of DID people have it ascribed by an unknowing therapist.

 

[ms spock]

We can't give you a diagnosis Hemlock as that is the province of a skilled trauma specialist. But I am wishing you well in your healing journey.

 

[Lost Pup]

We can't give you a diagnosis Hemlock as that is the province of a skilled trauma specialist.

I should've been as blunt as Ms. Spock. This is just what I was trying to get at.

I'm not personally aware of any reputable studies that have ever demonstrated a convincing case for iatrogenic (doctor-created) DID, but it is clearly a very serious and complicated diagnosis. Not to mention there are other modalities that work with the same basic condition(s) but use different languages to talk about it. I've noticed that terms like "alter" tend to come up in one group of practitioners while terms like "ego state" come up in another.

In the end, it only matters that we can find a good connection with a clinician we can connect with, trust and grow with.

Plus, we all have fluctuations in personality state: some mild, some severe, some amnesic from one another. But it would be quite dangerous for any of us to speculate of ourselves or about others (without proper, hopefully PHD-level-trained professional support) that these variations necessarily had anything to do with something called DID.

 

[ms spock]

I'm not personally aware of any reputable studies that have ever demonstrated a convincing case for iatrogenic (doctor-created) DID, but it is clearly a very serious and complicated diagnosis.

It is a well known problem according the the psychiatrists I have spoken to.

I saw it as a fad diagnosis as well. A therapist does a workshop, learns about DID and suddenly most of their "clientele" have it. You really need someone who knows their stuff to get that diagnosis.

 

[Lost Pup]

It is a well known problem according the the psychiatrists I have spoken to.

Well, there is a lot of contentious history there and a lot of strong feeling on multiple sides, particularly given the activitiies of the False Memory Syndrome Foundation in strongly advocating a certain opinion in the media over the past two decades.

I'm always interested in discussing all of this but suspect it would be more appropriate on a new thread (rather than someone's intro) at a later date.

Cheers, LP

 

[ms spock]

I'm always interested in discussing all of this but suspect it would be more appropriate on a new thread (rather than someone's intro) at a later date.
Cheers, LP

Good idea L.P.

I hope to chat with you again in chat Hemlock. All the best.

 

[Barconian]

@HemlockGrove Is it possible that Max is your escape when the pressure gets too much?