Persistent Body Memory

[mytai]

So my T taught me this very helpful visualization exercise. It is very calming and relaxing, the only one that I have ever found helpful in 10+ years of therapy. Anyways, in this visualization exercise I have a vault that I can put in anything I'm not ready to work on or deal with yet, to pull out when I'm ready to. It has been an amazing blessing. I've been able to store away all my body memories that have been harassing me for the last 2 months now.

The only problem is one keeps "escaping". It's my most painful body memory to date. It's the one that I know the memory attached to it. I keep putting it back in the vault and it keeps coming back out. But the exercise has worked with every other body memory. I don't understand why this one keeps breaking free and harassing me.

It's frustrating and also very upsetting. Not sure why it keeps breaking out. I don't think I'm ready to deal with it yet so that's why I keep putting it back in there. My T is focussing on grounding techniques with me and keeping me present so we aren't working on any trauma yet. Although my T has said whenever I want to I can talk about stuff.

 

[arfie]

I never separated body memories from other memories in the treatment of my own amnesia, so I may be speaking from a different place. For the record...

I am pretty convinced the memories which keep haunting me do so because my psyche wants to bring a surrounding memory to the surface. Usually something very subtle. For example:

Two springs ago I was being haunted by nights I had spent in fields as a child because I was afraid to go home. Within those memories was the memory of a mulching technique using a wild sweet grass which happened to be growing in my "new" suburban yard. Once I made the connection, the flashbacks went away and my garden beds looked great enough to save yet another plant species from the weed warrior hit list. Locally, anyway.

So or no for you, mytai, I hope ya get it figured. For sure, this is no fun.

 

[gone]

@mytai — my T taught me the same technique. What I've found helpful for memories that escape from the vault is to use another of my resources (do you have those too? wise beings or helpful animals?) to assist putting the memories in the vault. In my case a bat, who can navigate the darkest darkness, carries the memories to the vault and together we close and lock the door. Works well for me...

 

[Mommyof5]

I have never tried this. I think I will. Thanks you guys... I haven't known what to do with all these body memories, and they have been haunting me a lot lately. This technique you have presented sounds very helpful.

 

[mytai]

What I've found helpful for memories that escape from the vault is to use another of my resources (do you have those too? wise beings or helpful animals?) to assist putting the memories in the vault.

I don't have anything like that, no. I will try to see if I can bring that one up on my own. I'm not the best at visualization sunless I'm guided through them a few times, but since it is only an addition to an already existing one I will see if I can get it going.

 

[mytai]

@Mommyof5 There is a lot more to that visualization than what I've stated already. Here's a brief idea of what my T reads to me (I like it because it is a very calming and safe feeling place).

A field surrounded by mountains, with a dome of golden light that covers the area, stops anyone from coming in that I don't invite there myself. A cabin that has everything I need in it, as many or little rooms as I want/need. A healing pond outside. And a vault like ones at the bank. I can put memories or feelings in there that I'm not ready to deal with quite yet, and there is even a slot on the outside so I don't have to open the vault to deposit the "stuff" if I don't want to.

Again, there is a lot more to it (detail wise), but that gives you kind of an idea of what it is.

 

[Springer80]

Hi,.ive done this type of sensorimotor body psychotherapy. In the same way you have designed your imaginary vault with a slot for deposits that keeps the contents in, perhaps you could negotiate a design around this particular memory whereby you keep its form and integrity under your control but your able to view it and understand it. Its obviously hard to supress for a reason.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

The skill itself is known as containment. I learned it years ago while in Sheppard Pratt but never discussed it as it's so close to "stuffing" that I never found it helpful. I know it works for a lot of people, but as with any skill, some find it helpful while others don't/won't.

 

[mytai]

perhaps you could negotiate a design around this particular memory whereby you keep its form and integrity under your control but your able to view it and understand it.

Can you explain this concept a little more? I'm interested in what you mean, but not sure what it is.

@Solara What do you mean "stuffing"? Like ignoring the problem, stuffing it down? True that some it will work for, and others it won't. I guess that's why T's have a large arsenal of things like this, because one shoe doesn't fit all. For me visualization has never worked before, until now at least. My T taught me this I think because I dissociate so easily that I need a way to develop these grounding skills so I can deal with the garbage without checking out of my life.

 

[Springer80]

When you supress it back to your vault what does it feel like it your body? Is it hard or cold? Is it sharp or stone or solid? Is it under pressure or does it have something inside? What colour is it? do you feel it in your stomach, or your shoulder or chest?

Then, if you can give the physical sensation of it a shape or representational object, what emotion is it trying to tell you?

Can you then negotiate with that emotion, without trying to trick it or force it in any way into finding a way to alter the shape so you can see or feel into it a bit more without the shape collapsing.

 

[mytai]

@Springer80 Honestly I haven't paid attention to any of that. Something I will have to try and tune into next time. I'm not in tune with my body at all. I numb out pretty much everything to do with my body, and emotions if I can. Something I'm trying to learn not to do.

 

[Hashi]

I think the way the visualisation is described isn't containment as I see it. For me, containment is to have a resource like that so you can take things out (= work on them) some of the time, and put them away some of the time.

Putting them away all the time until an unspecified future date is an odd idea to me, and I agree with Springer. There's a reason things won't be suppressed.

Is it OK to ask your reasons for thinking you're not ready to work on it yet? Do you feel your grounding and coping skills aren't strong enough, or is it that it seems too difficult or painful?