I Am So Scared!

[SophieJo]

I have been having weekly sessions and over the last few weeks I have really struggled. My counsellor is beginning to see through my armour and I know that the issues I am having now revolve around trauma in my past.

I have never told anyone about what happened to me and can't even say the words that describe what I went through. I am so scared to share with him as I don't know if I will be able to cope with what may happen & what I will feel.

If I do disclose to him, how will I cope after the session for the next 6 days & 23 hours with all the debris before I see him again? Can anyone tell me if they felt the same?

My instinct tells me to leave it alone!

 

[mytai]

I have felt and feel the same way currently. SophieJo, the best thing I did for myself was share my fears around disclosing with my T. She talked through my fears with me. Asked questions. Asked if there were things she could do that would help ease my fears. Talking through my fears of disclosing really helped. I was able to share with her about body memories, nothing specific but just that I had them. Next scary step is something specific.

 

[nursenurse]

Tell your T exactly what you wrote here. Hopefully you are seeing someone that you trust.

Express your fears about disclosure. I am not a sufferer, but the fact that you want help and are receiving it is wonderful, and memories unfortunately are not without pain. But in order to gain the most out of your therapy, you have to disclose. The short term pain will be for long term gain, you can work on being free from the demons of the trauma that caused you to seek help in the first place. Your T should be able to provide you with coping strategies. I hope some other sufferers can lend you support, I will bet you there isn't one that didn't feel some sort of fear or dread before they disclosed. It's human nature. Good luck, I think you are on the right path

 

[Reds]

I know the first time I disclosed to my t I went into panic mode. I started researching her and never wanted to go back to therapy. She had to work hard at convincing me to come back and I am glad I told her everything. It has made me feel better.

I agree with mytai and nursenurse, discuss your fears with your t

 

[SophieJo]

Thank you for the support. I think I said too much in my last session. Something just popped out of my mouth & my T picked it up so quickly, I went into panic mode! I know I can't take it back & something is now out there. I will take all your advice as it makes sense to me. However, I am reluctant to go back this week!

 

[novemberDark]

Are you in the position to change Ts? If you don't trust, they can't help.

Its in the eyes at first meeting, you get ' something'. You have to be able to feel safe !, and that means relying on your first instinct's.

 

[Mercy]

I am so scared to share with him as I don't know if I will be able to cope with what may happen & what I will feel.

SophieJo, We are all scared to disclose our suffering to anyone. Simply because we have kept it secret for so very long.

One of my fears was that it might give my male T ideas. (Silly, I am old, grey and overweight.) My belief is that we can let out some of our suffering when the time is right for us to do it. In your last post, you said something just popped out of your mouth. That's an example of what I mean. The world did not stop. You did not die. Your T did not collapse. You may have been more emotional or panicky but that too will pass.

Please gather up your courage--I know you have stored up a huge vat of courage from having survived---Please go back to your next session. You are free to choose whether you want to explore what popped up or say no thanks, and move on to something else. Processing what happens needs time. It is OK to let your T know you are not ready to be with what came up. After all you are paying her.

 

[littlelostchild]

SophieJo, I really understand. It was very difficult for me to begin to share my childhood trauma, and I have developed a trust with my T. Sharing the fragments of memories that I have is a really important step to begin to put the responsibility on my abusers. The silence reinforces the shame that I feel about having been sexually abused as a child. It is painful, but my T has helped me learn how to ground myself in the moment so that I can better control my reaction to the memories and flashbacks. I am also learning how to monitor the strategies that I use between appointments to help myself stay grounded and challenge my negative perceptions.

If you have a supportive partner or friend(s) they can also be helpful between appointments and of course this forum is super supportive. I also believe that you should discuss your concerns with your T. My T worked on teaching me coping strategies during the early time of my therapy while encouraging me to share my stories.

My resistance to sharing my stories was (and at times continues to be) massive, so if I can do it, you can do it too! :-) As my T says, 'they are just memories, it isn't happening now - you are safe in this moment'. It is about taking the power out of those past experiences. You can do it when you are ready!

Be well

 

[Definitely..maybe]

Everyone has said exactly what I would. You were so strong to come and write that here. Sending so many positive thoughts your way!

If you need anything, I'll help however I can!:hug:

 

[SophieJo]

Thank you so much to everyone who has written. I at least feel that these feelings I am having are 'normal'! I will go back again tomorrow & will post again. XX