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Your Pain As Inspiration For Art, On Display

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I really do hope that he takes it well, especially if the TV pilot doesn't relate to his story at all and you're willing to change the pieces about the musical that come from his experiences. As I said before, I think media that handles PTSD in a real, non-judgmental way is needed in our society - it just needs to be done without hurting the people who have inspired you.
 
Good luck with talking to him. Like many of the other folks I'd be quite upset. It's cool to use your own experiences however you'd like. The things he's shared with you, he shared out of trust. By sneaking around with the ideas you've borrowed, I wouldn't be shocked if he never wants to speak with you again. It's that safety thing so many people have mentioned- by leaking bits and pieces of his inner world, you've damaged the safety of the relationship.
 
Thanks again for the input. I just wanted to let folks know that I gave a draft of my musical to my bf a couple of days ago. I shared a slightly earlier draft with a potential composer, but other than that, my bf is the first reader.

I annotated all the scenes with a summary of their content, so he can avoid scenes that might be upsetting (there's one monologue that refers to a big trigger of his, although it's not based on his life, and I put a note by it, saying that he might not want to read that one). I also put post-its by the couple of things that are either based on his life or very similar to things in his life, and by the beginnings of the scenes that include the one character that is most like him (note, the character is not entirely based on him but is similar to him in a few ways).

I also included an introductory note and a note at the end saying, among other things, that I'll change whatever he would like me to change, and that the most important thing is that he feel safe. I said in the note that I won't proceed with the project unless he is comfortable with it, and I mean that.

When I asked him to read it, it was at a good moment. He seemed pretty open to the idea. He asked if it was about him, and I said, two percent him and 98% other stuff. Upon reflection, maybe it's 5-10% about him.

We had another interaction about creative work not that long ago, coincidentally. He is also dating a woman who is crazier than him -- very paranoid and manipulative. She told him that a guy she used to date, who is a musician, wrote a song about her called "The Queen of Head f*ck." I guess she was kind of proud of it. When he told me about this, I said, that wasn't cool, to write about her and record the song without her permission or even letting her know about it in advance. So I had stated my position about creative work based on other people already.

I'm pretty nervous about his reaction. I'm not just nervous about his sense of safety in having a few things drawn from his life potentially out there, or about his getting triggered as he reads it. There is a lot of technical detail in the script about the psychology and physiology of PTSD, and about coping strategies like grounding (a therapist character takes the audience through a grounding exercise, for example) and substance use and prescription medication and treatments like EMDR and somatic experiencing. Part of my worry is that he'll think it's all an effort on my part to convince him to go to therapy. Which, you know, it is, just a little bit. I do say in my postscript that I don't expect him to change his behavior as a result of reading it. But I do hope he might get a little more good information out of it, just like I hope a whole lot of other people will someday get good information out of it. We'll see how it goes.
 
Part of my worry is that he'll think it's all an effort on my part to convince him to go to therapy.
I have to say that for me was one of the first things that stood out from the start. I think I would feel publicly manipulated amongst other things. Hopefully he won't.
 
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Well, I've got some reaction from him.

He was procrastinating looking at the script, for whatever reason (probably multiple reasons, I'm sure you can think of a few).

Soon after I gave it to him, he said something silly about writing a musical, and I got a bit prickly. I emailed him to apologize and say that I was nervous about him reading it because it was important to me and I care what he thinks about it.

A couple of days ago, I emailed again to give him some information that was in my supplementary notes - that there are a few things in it that are like his life (that was not new information, I told him that right when I gave it to him), and that he has veto power over all those things, and over the project as a whole.

Tonight he freaked out and decided that I wrote it to hurt him and betray his trust, and sent me email saying if I reveal anything about his life or mention his name, that he'll never speak to me again.

So he still hasn't read it, and probably won't. And he told me what I was asking him to tell me: that he is not OK with having anything out there that is at all like his life.

I expected that he would be upset, one way or another, because he gets upset and angry with me, that's just what he does, whether or not the matter at hand has anything to do with me or if I have any control over a situation. So nothing new there.

I'm interpreting this as meaning that as long as there isn't anything remotely similar to his life in the script, I might continue with the project, but I'm not going to assume that's true or that if it's true now, that it will continue to be true.

I responded in email and text that he is more important to me than this project, and that is quite true.
 
I expected that he would be upset, one way or another, because he gets upset and angry with me, that's just what he does, whether or not the matter at hand has anything to do with me or if I have any control over a situation.

You don't think his being upset might be valid? This is completely to do with you, and you are in control of what you create.

I'm at a loss at your resilience to the idea of this being an upsetting thing for you to do. You asked for feedback in this thread, and then seem to have blithely sailed through comments from people who said they'd be upset, as if nothing had been said.

Now your boyfriend is upset and apparently that's because he just is that way. Nothing to do with your actions.

I think you're missing the fundamental point. For me, it isn't about how good your work is, how important it is to you, how meaningful, how it might raise awareness, how much of yourself is also in it, what percentage of it is about him, or his right to veto things. It isn't about being willing to sacrifice your art for his sake if he's going to get upset about it because "that's just what he does". It's about trusting someone then finding out that for some time they've been using your suffering as creative fodder, and are really quite pleased with the result.

Like I said, I do creative work myself. I think mining my own experience of pain can be emotionally risky, let alone mining someone else's.
 
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For me, it isn't about how good your work is, how important it is to you, how meaningful, how it might raise awareness, how much of yourself is also in it, what percentage of it is about him, or his right to veto things. It isn't about being willing to sacrifice your art for his sake if he's going to get upset about it because "that's just what he does". It's about trusting someone then finding out that for some time they've been using your suffering as creative fodder, and are really quite pleased with the result.

This is spot on, @Hashi.

@LizardViolet, personally, reading "that's just what he does" in this context is (to be perfectly honest), as a sufferer, insulting. Taking someone's life and using it as creative inspiration and not telling them about it is, in short, a big deal. A huge deal, even. Not only is it major breach of trust in my opinion, it's also grounds for one to wonder why you're in this relationship in the first place. If I was him, I would seriously be wondering, if she in this for me, or my disorder?
 
I expected that he would be upset, one way or another, because he gets upset and angry with me, that's just what he does, whether or not the matter at hand has anything to do with me or if I have any control over a situation. So nothing new there.
But in this instance, the matter in hand has everything to do with you, or at least to do with something you've done, doesn't it? You had complete control over the choices you made to go ahead with the project without thinking to involve him in the decision about it at all. It feels to me that you are dismissing his feelings about it because you expected him to be upset anyway? I really don't think he's upset for the sake of being upset, he's upset because of all the reasons people have advised you of here already and probably additionally now because you are invalidating his feelings about it.

I'm interpreting this as meaning that as long as there isn't anything remotely similar to his life in the script, I might continue with the project,
he is more important to me than this project
These two statements seem to be at odds with each other to me. I hope you can take the time to talk it through with him some more and listen to his feelings about it before continuing with the project.
 
Very sorry about how I've come across regarding him being upset.

Yes of course, he is upset about something that is under my control, that I have done. I was speaking as a supporter here, only, with respect to MY experience of him being upset. It is upsetting to me when he is upset. Sometimes, in fact through much of our relationship, when he has gotten upset with me, he pushes me away and does not want contact with me for some period of time. This is horrible for me. It affects my ability to work, how I am with my family, how I function in the world. All I was saying is that at this point, I am used to how it is when he is upset. On top of that, I had talked with both my therapists about all of this multiple times, so that I would be as prepared as I could be for his reaction, whatever it would be, and so I might be minimally damaged by it. He might have withdrawn from me for a week or two. He might have attacked me emotionally or been tremendously cruel -- he is capable of this and he has done it in the past. I've got to take care of myself here too.

Truly, I haven't ignored what folks here said. After my initial post, I made some substantial changes to the script and REMOVED and CHANGED a number of things that reflected his experience. The script I gave him had only a few things that were similar to his life. I've already changed those things.

I agree that I need to get more feedback from him. It looks like he is not comfortable reading the script, which is fine. Now he knows it exists. As I said above, I don't have a clear answer from him about whether he will be OK with the project going forward as long as there is nothing in it that is drawn from his life, or whether he is uncomfortable with the project proceeding under any circumstances. Of course I will get a clear answer before I share the project with any aspect of the wider world (like, showing the script around for feedback, for example). I also am aware that his answer may change over time -- he may veto the whole thing now, and decide he's OK with it later, or vice versa.
 
. It looks like he is not comfortable reading the script, which is fine. Now he knows it exists. As I said above, I don't have a clear answer from him about whether he will be OK with the project going forward as long as there is nothing in it that is drawn from his life, or whether he is uncomfortable with the project proceeding under any circumstances
I almost didn't answer as to be honest from reading here I wondered if there was any point but here I am. I truly don't think you are hearing what has been said. There is an underlying theme here and it is about your work, your art. It is not about his well-being and there truly does not seem to be a concern about that in the context of the big picture. Its all about if and how you will proceed and how your art is received.

The way I see it and would see it if I was him is that he has been harmed already. The act has already occurred - your use of his suffering for your creative process. Instead of seeing that as the main concern here and reacting accordingly it seems you are rather focused on how unreasonable he is to not read it and expect him to have been able to process this all straight away and with an outcome that you approve of. He is supposed to have been able to give your feedback straight away and does not seem to have a right to his reactions to this. I am wondering what type of upset would be acceptable to you.

When it comes to exposure aspect of this, for me the fact it is about PTSD and I have PTSD would be enough and particularly if others in our social or work circle knew that I did.
 
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