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[oakwife]

Hello, my husband and I have been together for 6 years and we are very much in love. Our relationship has been very turbulent though. He has PTSD from childhood trauma and after the death of his beautiful mother a year and a half ago it has reared up like crazy.

I also suffer from bipolar and am trying very hard to maintain healthy and balanced. Recently I've become very afraid. Everything I do is “wrong“ to him and he treats me like a monster even when I'm being very very gentle and kind. He is so anxious and defensive and horrible with me then acts fine with everyone else. He is cold towards me and ignores me when I cry.

I'm so scared I'm losing him and he refuses to see a doctor or even speak about seeing a doctor. He has been truly mean to me, pushing me away and while I'm supporting him the best I can. I'm also scared for my own well-being, I'm so so sad and lonely and constantly walking on eggshells.... please help me. I can't lose him but I don't want to lose myself either

 

[arfie]

Gentle hugs, oakwife. Not a fun space to be in. My husband and I are going on 34 years together and still having spells like this, but then, so are the single folks I know. Distance is my most effective remedy for it. When I start wanting to drive my husband to help, I drive myself to help instead. Usually to a support group meeting, but a walk in the park or a movie can be just as effective. Just something to put a little distance between me and those eggshells. My husband is a big boy. I trust him to find what he needs.

In my case, it is totally worth the effort. Each time we pass through a phase like this, we learn and grow a little bit more. Or am I just flaunting the fact that we are having a good spell?

 

[oakwife]

Thank you for revealing that you're still together after all those years :) I know I need to look after myself, I just don't think my husband does know what he needs as nothing is helping. So the stuff I wrote is “Normal“ behaviour for someone with PTSD?

 

[Ghostybear73]

I don't know that there is a such thing as "normal" behavior in regards to PTSD. However, the behavior he is displaying is consistent with a person that suffers from PTSD. I'm wondering if there wasn't some kind of recent trigger that has set him off and is causing your fear. I agree with arfie, take some time to care for yourself first as you don't want to set off your bipolar and start going into a downward spiral as well.

 

[Juspeczyk]

Hi Oakwife,

Although I cannot offer you any relationship advice I recently got diagnosed with PTSD. I got triggered October 1st and I make discoveries about myself and my needs every day. My traumatic experiences are also from my childhood. You said this started a year and a half ago, I can't imagine what it's like for him because I have developed a support system and I know my life would be much harder without it. I'm sorry to hear that he takes out that anger on you and has been doing that to you for such a long time. I understand your concern for him but please, please look out for yourself.

I know each person is different but for me the people who are the most helpful to me are the people who just sit with me. One my friends just sits beside me and holds my hand when I start slipping to keep me in touch with reality. I've found a couple tricks to avoid having an episode when I'm going about my day, but I find they do build up for me and I need to get them out of my system when I feel I'm in a safe place.
-listening to music, and forcing myself to sing along.
-engaging with people, sometimes it's as simple as 'how was your day?' or 'tell me a story' and I listen to the details and ask questions
-it's hard for me to watch new movies or shows because I'm afraid the content will upset me, so I made a list of safe movies I can watch and I rewatch those.
- I get depressed often, so I started a file on my phone called 'happiness' where I jot down the small moments in my day that made me smile. Could be something as simple as a stranger holding the door open or some really nice xmas lights.

I get really upset when people ask what triggered me initially or what did it on specific occasions, because those are very personal. Hopefully he has or will let you know some of his specific triggers so you can help prevent them.

I know I push people away when I get depressed and when my episodes started I just wanted to be alone. I still want that privacy but as I said if I'm not in a safe place, having someone as a reality check is amazing. My episodes are pretty frequent, I feel like I have one every day but they differ in severity. How often are your husbands' episodes?

This is still very new to me, so I don't know what over a year of it untreated can do to someone. I hope some of the things I have said help. Be safe and take care of yourself.

 

[oakwife]

Thank you for that :) his episodes are more frequent than they ever were before which is why i feel like we need to get help. maybe once a month lasting a few days? I will definitely take on your advice :)

 

[arfie]

@oakwife
"Normal" is not a concept I am generally comfortable with, but these types of conflicts arise in all the long-term relationships I have ever rubbed up against. Even Mister and Missus Perfectly Normal probably get fed up with each other's perfections once in a while, but I can only guess there. I haven't met Mister and Missus Perfectly Normal yet.

FWIW: When my husband doesn't know what he needs is when he seems to most appreciate my trust that he is fully capable of working it out. He says it helps to lean on my faith until he rebuilds his own. Paying attention to my personal needs at these times doubles our network.

 

[oakwife]

I don't know that there is a such thing as "normal" behavior in regards to PTSD. However, the behavior he is displaying is consistent with a person that suffers from PTSD. I'm wondering if there wasn't some kind of recent trigger that has set him off and is causing your fear. I agree with arfie, take some time to care for yourself first as you don't want to set off your bipolar and start going into a downward spiral as well.

Ive been wondering about the trigger myself, theyre so hard to pinpoint sometimes :( and then i dont always know what to do about it!! Thankfully he has said to me now that he knows we need external help with it all and that does take some of the pressure off :)

 

[oakwife]

@oakwife
"Normal" is not a concept I am generally comfortable with, but these types of conflicts arise in all the long-term relationships I have ever rubbed up against. Even Mister and Missus Perfectly Normal probably get fed up with each other's perfections once in a while, but I can only guess there. I haven't met Mister and Missus Perfectly Normal yet.

I think i probably meant “characteristic“ rather than “normal“. Trying to understand symptoms of PTSD a bit better :) but yes faith is soooo important and thankfully thats one thing my husband knows when hes going through it; that I have faith in him :)

 

[intothelight]

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