I've Destroyed My Marriage

[Miss_Understood]

So, I've been on a consistent downward spiral for a long time. Tonight however I really went too far. I truly and honestly am not strong enough to not be unhealthy in my actions. I pushed everyone away by lying, being difficult and not allowing myself to heal.

I'm a broken record, playing the same old song. I've become nothing, I've let my trauma take over. The dragon in my heart is actually a kraken. I feel like I am incapable of learning, when I used to be so smart.

So I can't believe what I've done. I was feeling down but instead of saying that, I instead let the kraken talk. I told my wife I feel like she doesn't love me nor is she in love with me.


I knew as soon as it left my lips that I had made a terrible mistake. Because of my inability to actually talk to my wife, instead of shutting her out.
I crossed the line and she no longer wants to be with me. Who could blame her? I've gone to the dark side. I'm really really lost and I don't think I'll ever be the same,

I'm sorry if I am spamming but I really need help. I can't go on like this, I've hit rock bottom.


The saddest part I don't even really feel anything. That's how far removed I am.

Part of me wonders if I am degenerate because I'm gay. Am I being punished for living like this?

I literally feel outside of myself. I need a therapist, I need a boot to the head.

I've lied to everyone especially myself.


I don't know what to do.

 

[ms spock]

Time to calm down and take a little time out.

Have you made some steps to get a therapist?

You are not degenerate because you are gay.

You are a wounded and suffering person who needs to get some order and clarity back in your life.

When we are in a bad space we can think things are much worse than they are.

 

[franciemarnie]

No way are you being punished for being gay so toss that one out right now.

I'm sorry you are feeling so awful. That feeling of hitting rock bottom is the worst. The only good thing about it is that it makes change easier.

You have the answers. They are in your post. It is time to heal. It is time to see a therapist. Enough of the old way that didn't work.

And though you cannot take back words spoken in pain, you can tell your wife the truth - what you said here. That instead of saying you felt down, you said something else and you feel bad about it. When you tell the truth, people know it and they can't deny it. It may not fix things but you will have said the right true thing and that often makes you and the other person feel better. And that's a good feeling usually.

Stay in the moment. Do what you can right now and today to take action and get better. Try not to self castigate. It's destructive. Time for a change. Give yourself a break.

 

[Miss_Understood]

Have you made some steps to get a therapist?

I have tried but I work so much, I don't drive, I can't afford it, I'm scared to open the can of worms that is my heart.

I know I really messed up. I can't take back what I said to my wife, it's the truth I feel unworthy of love, I'm almost happy she's done with me, I really feel like I'm a horrible person.

I want to cry, to scream, to breakdown but I can't.

I honestly believe I've gotten what I deserve. I tried so long to pretend I wasn't depressed, angry, and scared that now I'm the girl who cried wolf,

 

[Miss_Understood]

I don't know how to live without my wife. She's the only person who's been there for me yet I couldn't see it.

 

[digger]

Then tell her that and the other things you've written here. Write it down in a letter if you can't talk.

 

[jd9900]

My relationship with my wife has been on shaky ground for many years, and it isn't because either of us are bad people. It's because sometimes we don't appreciate what each other wants. I've decided to stop feeling as though I am a failure because I cannot repair this. What ever comes next is going to be hard, but damned if life hasn't been hard enough already.

I'm not encouraging you to get a divorce. I am promising you it is not the end of the world.

I wish you the very best. *offers a virtual, safe hug*

EDIT: You may not know how to live without her, but I believe that you can. I've felt before as though my life would end without her. It won't no matter my choice. Maybe I will regret it and maybe I won't but again, damned if I don't have the right to be happy. We all do.

 

[EverOnly358]

@Miss_Understood,

@Ms Spock and @franciemarnie really said all the right things. Here's what I want to add... You are worthy of love. It's so hard to learn to accept love. Start with this... would you accept a big {{{{{{{hug}}}}}}} from me? I'm confident that you'll figure everything out. Not that it's easy, just that I know you can do it.

EverOnly

 

[littlelostchild]

My 2 cents is going to agree with many above and that is to tell her the truth that you said in your first post here. I know that I've really had to learn to become more open with my husband during the past year (which has been scary as hell!), but we have developed the closest relationship we have ever had - and we have been together for 33 years. It's not easy, but you are worth it.

You are beautiful no matter how you are feeling right now. Sometimes the PTSD distorts our thinking and makes us feel unworthy in so many ways, but it is wrong!

Find a therapist and make the time. You are important.

 

[jd9900]

Find a therapist and make the time. You are important

I could not agree more with this statement.

 

[jd9900]

(There is nothing you cannot overcome. It's that strength that has in many ways led you here, led you to the person you have become.)

 

[macca]

I agree with what others here have already said. And you are not the kraken, even though it was the kraken that spoke. I think it helps to keep your self-identity separate from the PTSD - we are not the PTSD - the PTSD took hold of you, but it isn't who you are, it's an injury.

You are worthy of love - everyone is born with that right. Being gay isn't to be depraved - would we consider a short person depraved purely because of their height, which they cannot help?

The letter idea is probably a good one, if you aren't able to speak to her right now. To let her know it was the kraken talking, not you, that you knew how wrong it was as it was leaving your mouth. Whatever happens, you will have done your best, and stayed true to yourself and your real feelings, not the kraken's.

And if you possibly can - seeing a therapist has been so helpful for myself, that I wish I had not avoided it like the plague for so very long. It was the best thing I ever did (and continue to do).

Sending you hugs if that is ok :hug: