Amnesia - Did You Find That The Person That Harmed You Was Different To Who You Thought?

[radicalgratitude]

To be honest, I wasn't able to face it either until I went to Intensive Trauma Therapy. They taught me how to talk and think about what happened in "third person" so that I'm not reliving what happened. I can't process trauma any other way. My therapist right now is having me do "The Courage to Heal Workbook" and I just kind of skim it. It's too painful for me because when I think about what happened in "first person" I become a little girl again. So I glance at the topic of the exercises in the book, then process the topic the ITT way, and still address the assignment without actually doing their exercises.

There is no one cookie-cutter approach that works for everyone. I pray that you find yours.

 

[Whirlwind]

Hi Amnesia....I will respond with some details, I'm not entirely sure what you seek but if my experience helps here you are...

My memory is very spotty up to about 13. I miss close to entire years, its mostly blank punctuated by trauma. I have been able to independently verify some are accurate therefore most likely are.

An example of ruminating: I hate ruffles on shirt, always have and for people that know me its a bit of a joke. Means nothing but it obsessed me for awhile....also why am I even thinking about this, it is ridiculous! Well, it isn't/wasn't now I know why that shirt - this whole ruffles thing was suddenly haunting me and why it was so important. I did not remember this traumatic incident at all, and it was not a small one. It is likely it was not the only one which I suspect but can't substantiate.

My therapist says that is not unusual, he said recalled memories are often a conglomeration of many incidents packaged into chunks (representing multiple events). I tend to agree in my case given my personal recollections.

I do however recall some other abuses and the weird thing was I have always remembered them. But they were like colorless pictures, devoid of any meaning - I really didn't care and I am still shocked today to say I even made fun of a few of them.

During my intense flashback period, these incidents (later teen years) seemed to come back in full color and surround sound, it was unbelievable that I knew this things always and never acknowledged what they were! I'm still amazed to be honest.

Now for the remaining stuff, I have memories - non traumatic or not too bad ones that are very clear and retain little emotion but they have dire implications.

I do not know who or what but now I am clear enough to realize what is probable. My therapist made a comment once (probably on purpose!) that made me realize memories may not even be me but my brother. Or both. Or something occurring between others...

Anyway, it is ugly. The potential victims can only be my brother or I and the potential abusers are 4 others including my brother. What happened, who, how etc is lost still. Maybe it is nothing but again, unlikely.

The only upside to this is that even a hint of my last statement would have done me in - literally - before. Today, it will blow me apart yet again but today, I will piece myself back together. I'm sure of that.

I hope this helps, Whirlwind

 

[Seasounds]

As I know I am not alone, a little vent:

When I think about it how long it took me to move from absolute ignorance (age 16), to suspicious (age 16-21), to to trusting (my flashbacks), to announcing I had been sexually abused by both my mother and father, I need to remind myself of all the strength, safety, and support, that it took.

I needed to be out of their house, learn to associate to my mindbody's intelligence, learn to speak up (against authority), risk my safety, risk all family relationships, and as well as some friendships.

As pointed out, (implied) in posts above, probably the hardest aspect was coming to terms with, if my parents aren't safe, then who is? Additionally, there was the horror of being 'infected' with abusive mindbody memories, that caused disassociation-that made recovery even harder. I felt like Meryl Streep, in Silkwood, after she realized she had been nuked, and tried to, hopelessly, wash the contamination out of herself. Living became even less carefree, with the added life-task, of healing (myself).

So glad you all get it.:)
@Abstract, thanks for the topic.:)

 

[Lost Pup]

probably the hardest aspect was coming to terms with, if my parents aren't safe, then who is?

Thank you for saying this directly. It was entirely implied by me for one.

 

[radicalgratitude]

probably the hardest aspect was coming to terms with, if my parents aren't safe, then who is?

Like Lost Pup said just now, yes, thank you.

Abstract, along the lines of what @change wrote, what I went through first was, "What? But my dad has to be safe!" Now that I have accepted that he is not safe, I ask the same question as Change. When I am in public, and I see parents with their children, I wonder if the child is being abused. But then again, I know safe people. And I know a number of people who were never sexually abused. Statistically though, things are pretty grim. One out of four of the children I wonder about are truly being sexually abused.

I'm thinking of you as you wrestle with these thoughts...

 

[Abstract]

Thanks everyone! I do appreciate it. Pathetically I didn't have a good day. Even doing this small amount of talking sets me off. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Will come back tomorrow and answer properly. Hope all of you are doing OK ish.

 

[Abstract]

@Lost Pup , I do understand that feeling of knowing but not knowing something. Where you have convinced yourself on one level but on another have a different awareness. Glad you found the courage and the key.

Thank you @radicalgratitude. That helped a lot to hear. I am grateful for what you said. I feel very cowardly as I see people delving in and doing the most amazing work. I am forty six years old. I still spend most of my time battling my diagnoses and whether I have actually been harmed by anything. I need to do a thread on how to tell how hard to push hen on ones own. I get so confused whether I am pacing myself or just being too avoidant.

 

[Abstract]

@Whirlwind

Thank you for sharing all that. I hope it wasn't too hard.

My therapist says that is not unusual, he said recalled memories are often a conglomeration of many incidents packaged into chunks (representing multiple events). I tend to agree in my case given my personal recollections.

This makes sense to me. I don't have enough clarity for myself in the bigger scheme of things but it seems right somehow.

I really didn't care and I am still shocked today to say I even made fun of a few of them.

The stuff I am sure about and do know happened (but still spend a lot of time totally believing had no effect on me) sounds more like this. Your way of describing it is different but the essence is similar.

I'm still amazed to be honest.

I know this feeling very well. When the emotions started coming out nothing could have astonished me or confused me more. I don't think I will ever be able to take my reactions to something at face value again. It makes me feel I will go crazy if I think about it too much. I am someone who is rather attached to logic.

The potential victims can only be my brother or I and the potential abusers are 4 others including my brother. What happened, who, how etc is lost still. Maybe it is nothing but again, unlikely.

I am very sorry. I understand what you mean more now and in some ways I think my situation is a little similar. I can see how little information you have - I have little too. There are things that don't bode well though. There is a chance opportunity wise for it to have been an outsider.

Today, it will blow me apart yet again but today, I will piece myself back together.

May I ask if you mean that writing that out ended up with a backlash for you afterwards and if saying much less than this before would have done so in the past? I am finding my self judgement hard to deal with.

 

[Abstract]

Shall be back with the rest....

 

[Whirlwind]

I will ever be able to take my reactions to something at face value again. I am someone who is rather attached to logic.

Same here, I am not comfortable with my emotions nor did/do I understand them, I've been working on this since therapy, letting them come through and not fighting it anymore. I am very calm and collected to people - very cerebral but it floats on a sea of anxiety, fear, anger....

I am very sorry. I understand what you mean more now and in some ways I think my situation is a little similar. I can see how little information you have - I have little too. There are things that don't bode well though.

I am sorry any of us are here and thank you. Yes, I don't have a lot of information and there is no way to find out. Even if there was, I am not sure I would pursue it. I am clear on the physical/neglect/emotional abuse - that was ongoing and continued into later teens but....well, I used to say to myself at least there wasn't any sexual abuse. Now I know that isn't an accurate statement and that's where I am missing too much. I really don't know but looking at it rationally, something(s) happened.

If anything, why did I tolerate later sexual abuses by acquaintances and think very little of them? Why the heck hadn't I told someone or even been particularly upset? There is more "evidence" than just this btw but using my adult "overlay" of events, I found this particular nuance rather revealing.

May I ask if you mean that writing that out ended up with a backlash for you afterwards and if saying much less than this before would have done so in the past? I am finding my self judgement hard to deal with.

Yes, but for now just not as badly as in the past. It was really bad 1-2 years ago.

My flashbacks are almost absent now but partly because I took a break from therapy, including visiting here, it was way too much for me, I thought I was cracking up. I was very hard on myself for stepping away from "healing" but that was my bad, it was good that I did and I still worked on other less triggering aspects like just taking care of myself.

My break was great for me, and it also helped me focus on what was bugging me in my present day life, triggers I was previously unaware of.

So my "break" was a shift in focus but a good one. That is probably the only reason I can even talk about this now without internally imploding like before. And I will likely have some nightmares in the near future, some uneasiness, and possibly a flashback but I have a better handle today, I understand it for what it is. I feel far more compassionate towards myself anymore and that is long over due!

Best, Whirlwind

 

[Abstract]

@change I am glad you got something out of it. And that lost pup and radicalattitude did too.

I need to remind myself of all the strength, safety, and support, that it took. I needed to be out of their house, learn to associate to my mindbody's intelligence, learn to speak up (against authority), risk my safety, risk all family relationships, and as well as some friendships.

This is amazing. I doubt many people would have any concept of how much work this takes and how hard it is to do.

All the changes needed to be able to be assertive and connected to self , have enough confidence, before one even gets to the direct effects on relationships.

I am 46 years old. I have still not even been able to accept my diagnoses fully let alone anything else. I was in total denial that anything had affected me till not long ago. I did a mass of work before that and since on me in general but the concept of trauma is still difficult. I start feeling despondent as although I am quite good about mindfulness and radical acceptance I am barely moving at all. At this pace it will take me another 100 years to get anywhere. Something has to change more drastically. But when I push too hard I freeze up and then go backwards. I need to get to a place where I can have therapy again.

I get the analogy of feeling infected with each amount of denial that lifts. I can't really put that into words. What a thoroughly distasteful necessity we have to face. How is that for an understatement?

I am sorry I can't answer your comment about family parents etc. Not even to correct any misconceptions or confirm any input. It's way beyond my ability at present but I do admire all of you and it sounds both hard and brave. Thank you.

 

[Abstract]

@radicalgratitude , as I said to change I am sorry I can't say anything to clarify my situation or possible situation. Sorry to be so evasive. I still think I am probably making it up. There were the other things and that is for sure (or I think that at present anyway!). I have never had anyone in my family that made me feel safe though. That much I can say. I can say there was emotional abuse from both parents and physical from my father. The statistics on sexual abuse are awful and something needs to change.