Sometimes I Hate Myself Because Of My Ethnicity

[Lady of Longbourn]

I felt the same about learning to speak German and Russian

I learned German in high school. It was expected with my background by my parents. Secretly I didn't mind it, I enjoyed the comfort in what I find to be familiar. Now, my German is almost gone. I still wish I knew more. On the flip side I find speaking German embarrassing. I become afraid someone will say something hurtful or harm me.

Part of that is what happened today in class. A student and my history teacher found out they both spoke German. Neither are German and then they started speaking in German. I wanted to put my hands over my ears and tell them to shut up.

Oh dear...I am complex. :( How confusing.

Like a kid should be help responsible for something that an ancestor may or may not have done?

Mine didn't do anything. But...my hatred for myself at times and the shame I feel too. Sometimes it's like I feel guilt by association. Sometimes I feel that becasue of my heritage that I must be evil.

What a terrible thing to think! I know logically that is not true. I know that but with so much hurt in my past...

 

[KP the nut]

I admit to being fearful of criticism.

(((HUGS))). Well done for writing this down.

Maybe by facing what you have kept hidden, you can begin to heal and ultimately be proud of your heritage. It will take time and I wish you well.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Just as you are not what the trauma has created you to be.

Can you elaborate?

 

[Everhopeful]

Dear Ayesha

How many ways there are for others to try to wound us! I did find your story rather interesting, because my siblings and I are first generation offspring of German immigrants to South Africa. And here we had hardly any of that awful accusatory stuff about being "Nazi" etc. I have spent some time in Germany, and found it notable that the Germans, themselves, seem to carry a burden of guilt about those terrible years. And to complicate our family history, my mother came from the former East Germany and as a baby they had to evacuate their hometown at the end of the Second World War and ended up in what was thereafter called West Germany, and my father's family were ethnic Germans living in a German occupied part of Czech Republic, not quite German and not quite Czech, but were also persecuted and banished from their homeland as they were thought to be symbols of Hitler's evil deeds towards the Czech people. So both my parents ended up as war refugees in a very broken Germany of the mid 1940's and this brokenness was carried around in the hearts of many Germans of that generation. Yes, there were of course many complicit German citizens, the whole regime was built around spying on your fellow citizens to make sure they adhere to the conduct expected by the Nazi Party. An evil type of brainwashing that affected everyone in those days.

How many other countries have gone through similar persecutions of certain segments of the population?! South Africa is a very fresh example still. Mass brainwashing! And there are other examples of ethnic cleansing, take Syria, take Zimbabwe, take most of Africa. Take the Chinese - Tibetan situation.

It is not fair to call people names and generalise about a tragic and inhumane and horrific part of their country's history.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

The first person I ever told this too was my 2nd therapist. Not my current therapist. My current therapist is number 3.

We talked about it in a sentence or two, me still not very aware that my ethnic community wasn't like most. All she said was that she has some German background "somewhere" and she has never felt that way. This therapist would often say things like that, compare herself to me in a sort of dismissive way while still trying to treat me as though we were best friends. In the end she was getting a bit too motherly and crossing into a gray area of boundaries.

My current therapist was better at this. His approach was to first try to understand what I meant instead of jumping in like the 2nd therapist did and dismissing me. I wish I could say I could remember all that was said when we talked about this a few weeks ago. All I do know is I have been avoiding it ever since. It's to say out loud and I am fearful of crying. I hate crying.

I might share this thread with him but I am unsure about that yet.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Watching TV tonight. Main character's dad is out of town. She asks her mother where. Her mother tells her that her father is in Germany on business. Main characters responses: "So dad is giving out insurance advice to Nazis now?"

Yeah, I hear things like this a lot. It's pretty many stream. German=Nazis. Germany=Nazis. Nazis=German. I once had a very forward history teacher in high school, an ex marine. First thing he said at the start of World War 2 history, very very clearly; "I want to get one thing straight right now. Not all Germans were Nazis and not all Nazis were Germans." It's been 7 years since I heard him say that and I can still perfectly remember it.

I am already dreading my next history class. I wonder if my teacher and that student will start talking in German again. My breath catches, my head pounds and I feel like I want to rip my chest apart. But that is my issue though. Maybe if they do continue it can be a good desensitizing experience and help me more beat my angry and hurt.

But I don't get that way when I go to my home state. The local restaurant normally have a few German dishes, sometimes the signs on businesses have German loan words. I don't freak out. In fact, I bloom a little, release a little. Maybe it's becasue I feel safer, I don't ever feel like someone will call me a Nazi there.

I need to be easy with myself. I need to allow myself to heal and understand. Instead I just get angry and filled with shame. Compassion time please.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I woke up this morning and huge wave of shame went over me about this thread. I was so shocked and surprised that I actually posted this thread. I can't believe I was stupid enough to post this.

:bag: I just want to hide now. Just like when I was in grade school. :bag:

 

[bell]

@Ayesha, first of all, the ones that are lame enough to say anything are just doing so because of their own (bad) conditioning. Unfortunately, some people have a small view of history and think that just because someone is from a certain part of the world, they, too, may fit in a minority of people. I pity those people and kinda hope that one day they are judged on something they cannot help in order to maybe see what ridiculousness they have been buying into all along.

Secondly, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Either your history or the fact that you wrote about it here! It doesn't matter where you're from (I mean, in the sense of being judgmental about it) and I promise, more people think the bullies are stupid than think they are right!

You are accountable for what *you* do, not what anyone else of your culture/ethnicity/country does. And, by all accounts, you seem like a rad, strong, and capable person. One who can fight this, beat this, and (one day) kick it to the curb and use the experience to become even more kickass.

 

[franciemarnie]

I know the terrifying feeling of exposure, but no one can see you here, no one knows your name. You are a voice of the universe, of the human condition and that always needs to be heard. A light shown.

I love what your teacher once said.

Stereotyping is the start of genocide. I can't remember who said it. A famous writer. Anyone anywhere who lumps people into a stereotype is guilty of this. Those kids in school were guilty of this.

Why do people have to look down on others? Find a reason to put them down. I don't get it. I mean I understand that insecure intimidated people will put others down so that they will feel superior but it doesn't work, it won't hold. They have to keep doing it to feel pulled up. What were they hiding at home.

In the US at one time, there were signs on storefronts "Dogs and Irish not allowed." Or "Irish need not apply." Any new immigrant group in America was put down at first. It certainly wasn't only when the Irish came. But my ancestors are Irish.

"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." Martin Luther King

I don't mean to broaden the subject and take it off the unconscionable treatment you received, but it always makes me stop and think.

Why?

My shame was always my dad's alcoholism growing up but that could be hid.

 

[KP the nut]

I can't believe I was stupid enough to post this

I just want to hide now. Just like when I was in grade school.

You are not stupid and please don't hide away.

I admire you for posting something which is destroying you inside. I wish I had your courage. Look at the support you have received.

Never be ashamed, you are better than that.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

And, by all accounts, you seem like a rad, strong, and capable person.

I have never been called 'rad' before. :D

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I noitce when I am angry at myself I don't want to take care of myself. I haven't eaten much today but I did do some basic hygiene. I do not practice self harm and I hope it stays that way through this journey. The other day, in history class my first thought was wishing I could actually rip my chest apart, to actually show what I was feeling inside. I could even see the strips of flesh in my head of my ripped up chest.