Sometimes I Hate Myself Because Of My Ethnicity

[Everhopeful]

Ayesha, it is not your burden of guilt to have to carry around. The fact that you feel so deeply about it, just shows what an empathic and caring person you are. I hope you find a way to release this millstone that is weighing you down. You did not ask to be born into a certain ethnic group / nation of people. None of us have that choice. We cannot forever feel responsible for the "sins of our fathers".

I hope I don't sound blase about the heritage that I too share with you and countless others. Horrific things happened and no-one has any right to diminish this or deny it ever happened. But we all need to look to the future and try to make that a better day.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Ayesha, it is not your burden of guilt to have to carry around.

I know, I know. Logically I know. I don't know why I can't get myself to feel/understand/accept that.

the fact that you feel so deeply about it, just shows what an empathic and caring person you are.

It makes me feel stupid a lot. Makes me feel to sensitive. Struggling to explain that. :(

I hope you find a way to release this millstone that is weighing you down.

Me too. :( I have no idea where to start. Talking about it is a start?

 

[Everhopeful]

To be sensitive and for one's feelings to run deeply is not an indication of "stupidity" :hug:

Writing about it and talking about it to those who can get you on this topic, both seem like a good start!

For me, I didn't have this burden of guilt about my past family history, but I had a burning desire to know more about my late father's family tree, as we never managed to talk to him about any of his past. We were very estranged from him until I was in my early twenties, and thereafter I only had a few years to get to know him until his untimely passing. And he was a very reserved and closed man, so he took many things with him to his resting place.

My point is, though, that the process of discovery of how the times were in which he grew up in Europe, etc, was a very enlightening and in many ways freeing thing for me. I feel deeply sad about how they lived and how they were displaced and the pain they went through living in the aftermath of Hitler's fallen Germany. But, I also understand now what the forces were that shaped my family and were they came from. The deep sadness, the constant feeling of being displaced, of being without a home. Of wanting to head out to a new continent and forget about all the bad things left behind in the motherland.

In my family-tree research, I found that we have a distant cousing living in the USA, whose parents had also emigrated as far away from Germany as possible in the 1940's - to Canada in fact, on a boat, with all their life's possessions in a suitcase and a dream of starting over in a better place.

Perhaps this too shaped your family in some way? A need to find a home elsewhere, a restless searching and a deep sadness for the past.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

A student and my history teacher found out they both spoke German. Neither are German and then they started speaking in German. I wanted to put my hands over my ears and tell them to shut up.

I am confused today. My history professor confused me. It was the 2nd class today.

He seems to like the German language a lot. Twice he has asked the class if anyone speaks German. I have been trying to find words to explain this all day. He likes to use some of the words in class. He likes the fact the a single German word will have so much deep meaning. I have noticed this before; there are German words that would take an entire paragraph to explain in English but Germans have taken a complete thought and put it into one word. But he uses these words becasue of all the philological thoughts and ideas.

He was wanting us to compare two thoughts about history, by two people. Thomas Carlye and Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel's thought of Zeitgeist.

My stomach flipped over as soon as he said Hegel's name. I just thought I need another teacher, time to find another teacher. Even though I agreed with him! And then I waited, actually holding my breath. Waiting for someone to criticize, to make fun of or to hurt.

No one did!

They just started discussing who they agreed with. Almost everyone was for Hegel. And then I was shocked more. People used the German word without mocking it.

I also stayed out of the discussion. I agree=I open my mouth=I get hurt. The German being thrown around kept reminding me of my father...I kept picturing my father standing there questioning me "Well, don't you KNOW what is being said?! You should KNOW those words!" He used to bully me a lot, trying to get me to speak German to him. I wouldn't and it used to really piss him off. It makes me feel sick and dizzy now thinking about it.

So this class: I love history, I will learn a lot here. It's like a therapy session just for my anxiety about my ethnicity twice a week. It's my personal hell. And it's really tiring.

I think this class might be helpful to me. It might really really hurt sometimes if he keeps going the way he is and it's going to really tire me out but I hope it will be okay.

And despite this, I still ate today. Not a lot but I ate without getting sick.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Ayesha, there is not an example of a culture or nationality that has not produced or shown example of the greatest and the worst of human nature. The greatest good and evil exist in every human heart. People who treat or have treated you prejudicially are the ones who are acting in a judgmental (and ignorant) fashion. Some is sheer ignorance.

I often think if I (or others) are prejudiced, if there is a God (I believe so), (S)He will be of that race or nationality or whatever. I am judgemental of judgmental people. I am still in the wrong.

I think you should be proud and especially explore (for yourself) ridding this unnecessary self-blame or shame and pain. :tup:

Next time you are feeling badly, here is an example I hope will make you giggle: My grandmother was born in Austria (therefore 'Austrian' as was Hitler). She lost many family there, her 2nd husband lost virtually all of his (because they were Roman Catholic). Her maiden name was actually Polish, but documents discovered appeared to indicate it was actually French (they had left off the accent on the 'e'). Then again people were fleeing across Europe and borders were shifting. We would secretly laugh because her name meant 'of oriental descent' (and her eyes tilted upward :laugh: ). Now myself, my father was Irish dad and French mother, but I inhereted fair skin but dark eyes and hair, everyone thinks I'm the "Black Irish" (ie 'Belfast bombings'), but my grandfather was a blue-eyed white-blond. In the midst of that there was Spanish, I have relatives that don't even need 'seniorita' costumes on Halloween, lol. And oh ya, my mom was Hungarian. So yes, lots of holes in the walls but we know how to patch them! :laugh:

Be proud of you (and your family :happy: ). And good luck with your course. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 1860]

It makes me sad to hear you say that you sometimes hate yourself because of your ethnicity. :(

I've got a German name, most people say. "German, right?" When they hear it for the first time. Yet, my family is pretty much Americanized and we've held on to very little of our German culture. I would never compare myself to you as it's not just a matter of "oh, we're both German and I've never felt that way..." (as it seems was the dismissive attitude if your therapist), rather a loss of a sense of community and culture, which is a sentiment that cuts across cultures as various peoples assimilate into American life.

Actually, I'm a bit envious that you still have a sense of your heritage. My Grandparents didn't want their kids (my mom & her siblings) to be "different" so my mom knows very little Finnish. (I'm Finnish on my moms side, German on my dads) This was typical of that generation (baby boomers born after WWII). In contrast, my grandparents spoke Fluent Finnish as that was the norm in the country at the time. There was still a need/desire to pass on culture to your children. (My grandparents were born in the USA, and spoke fluent Finnish) Then along comes WWII and the need for everyone to be "Americanized" as to fit in, and cultures of all types are abandoned, both by force and by choice. My mom wishes that she knew the language. I think we all wish that it was passed down.

It's not so easy as to say "you should be proud!" but I hope that you can see that you have a great thing that others have lost. It is horrible that people treat you poorly because of your ethnicity. I hope that one day you can fully embrace who you are as it is truly an asset; something you should (be able to) feel proud of.

Sorry if my grammar is poor. It's the middle of the night here. I should be sleeping! :-/

 

[Everhopeful]

Hi Ayesha,

I'm glad that you are deriving something positive out of the history classes. Germany does have a history of deep thinking philosophy and literature over the ages, and it is true that the language captures a concept well. We did learn to speak it from early childhood, but not as fluently as a true German, as we had other languages to learn at school here. But when I hear certain things said in German, I do appreciate how well it describes something that in English we would say in a completely different way.

Junebug says it well, all cultures seem to have shown the greatest and the worst of human nature at some or other point in time.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Therapist and I talked a bit about this today. I just gushed about everything that happened with my teacher. I am sure there was more to say, more to express but I couldn't get it all out. I don't normally 'gush'. :oops:

I can't remember everything he said but he did remind me that a part of social anxiety is to worry about what might happen negatively. He said part of helping with that is putting yourself in a place where people can disagree with you. I agree; it used to be that if I said anything on this forum that I thought people might disagree with I would start hyperventilating afterwards or pacing my living room. Now I don't get so worked up (normally).

He said one day I will be about to talk about it with people and it wont be a negative thing either. He said my history class is turning into a good opportunity to test my social limits. I realized that yesterday.

I hope I got that all right. I can barely remember the session even though it just happened. It normally takes me a day or two to think through it all and write it down.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Thought I was doing just fine. It has been a few hours since the session but I am stretched out already. I have a six hour school day tomorrow so I need to relax today.

I have two hours of volunteer work today that I do every week. I am still smiling, talking and laughing with people but I haven't eaten much today. A cup of coffee and some pomegranate seeds.

I do not know if the eating thing is anxiety driven or 'punishment'. I forgot to tell my therapist that.

 

[novemberDark]

If you like to listen to music (widely understood) like so many of us, there is a German artist. He has grieved a lot in his life. I think his songs are part of his healing.

He has also made a song you could find on youtube that has English translation under titles ( I hope it's still posted). It's called fear makes you tiny, it's by Herbert Gronemeier.

It's just a suggestion is all.

 

[novemberDark]

Sorry can no longer edit the above. The original name is Angst. I'm not on a pc but I know that last names with accent's on letters are spelled differently on YouTube.

Hate is not what you deserve to give yourself.

Thank you for being so open about your feelings on this thread.

 

[novemberDark]

While looking for some of his stuff on youtube I came across a duet.

Bono sings in German, it's some kind off beneficiary concert. The song is Mensch (human being).

There are some nice things about the language, is that not so?