General RED ALERT - Hitting Crisis! The Family is Ruining Everything!

[Bella78]

OK I am in semi-panic mode and need advice, please.

As many of you will know my husband has PTSD from an accident 7 months ago. He has had no real healing treament and has moved out of our home. He has been in major avoidance mode, working 18 hours a day.

I gave him plenty of space for the majority of the 3 and a bit weeks he has now been gone. Definitely the past 2 weeks I have really let him be and then for the past 5 days have gently made very brief contact a few times and made a few gentle gestures to show I care. I have also let him know I am learning about PTSD and now understand a lot better where he is coming from and how he may feel. He has seemed to respond to this.

Just when I thought I was making almost noticable progress yesterday things went backwards quite badly. He had something he had to go do that would have been a big stress for him. And it is something I would normally go do with him, but since he has shut me out, he went alone. I gently offered to go with him but he refused and I left it at that.

He has been ill vomiting for about 2 weeks and as Velied has explained, this is almost certainly a PTSD symptom. Before she enlightneed me I called our GP as I was concerned. Now it seems the GP has called him in and given him a lecture. Hubby described it as he made him "feel like a piece of shit". Then he added that I should "leave him alone and stop causing him shit" and to "f**k off" because I "make his life hell". I just told him i was very sorry to hear he was so sad and i never meant to cause problems for him. Now have not had contact at all for 24 hours and was going to leave him alone completely for 3-4 days. I figure he needs to cool down.

But I have just had an email from a family member that has really scared me and made me angry. She has told me that the business (hubby runs his own) is suffering as much as him and she has told him he needs to pull up his socks (BAD!!!). He reacted by lashing out at her and she told him off for that too (WORSE!!). So then to "reprimand him" she went to see him with her husband who (in her words) "blasted him" (OMG!!!!!).

She says that his reaction to this was that he was very humble afterwards and apologised saying he was having a bad day. Yeh, a really bad day. How my heart breaks to try to imagine.

Hubby's Mum lives hours away and will be here in 4 days for Christmas. She has said for weeks she wants to shake up the business and get it running properly, as it is a bit of a mess, understandably. I am terrfied of how she is going to conduct herself.

In the same email, the relative has said this of hubby's Mum; "I'm sure she'll go in yelling and screaming and hopefully sort him out". (GOD HELP ME!!!!!!)

I replied to this relative saying that the way they are all carying on may seem like the right thing to do but i have now learnt it just isn't. Sure, he needs to get his head out of the ass but I am guessing he can't do that until he pull himself out of his pit first?? And the only way to get help him to that is to be gently supportive and make him feel safe.

I feel I need to go to him, to let him know I have an idea of how bad yesterday was and I want him to know I understand even if everyone else doesn't. I am so worried where his head might be at after all that. Plus I miss him like crazy.

I also plan on quick smart finishing my summary info page on PTSD that ALL of the family and close friends are going to have shoved down their throats before this can happen again and especially before Christmas.

But i really need to get an idea of what may be the best thing for me to do for him right now. Does he need to feel understood or will he still be too unapproachable? :dontknow:If I do go to him, how should i do it and what should i say? Sorry to be so specific. I just feel a bit desperate and so scared of messing up right now.

 

[batgirl]

I'm not even supposed to be up but I am not sleeping so I will just say, that is SO AWFUL what his family has done. I sooo could not handle that. I feel really bad for your husband. :(

I don't really know what to advise but could you maybe just email to say sorry about what happened with his family? That's a really non-intrusive form of contact which I personally don't mind much. I can choose to answer when and if I want. Who knows, he might feel bad about going off on you earlier (I do when I've done it to my family). Sorry that's all I have to say really. Just I feel for him, I can't stand being yelled at nor pressured into acting a certain way. Good luck.

 

[Nicolette]

I don't know what to say Bella but I hope things get better :Hug_emoticon:

 

[Bella78]

Thanks Nicollete and Evie, I hope you are feeling a bit better. Be sure to rest plenty for the trip though.. :wink:

Yep, it sure is pretty bad. I imagine he may be feeling very damaged. All I want to do is go see him and give him a cuddle. I want to say "Lets just take off for Christmas break to a nice little cottage in the country - to hell with everyone else! And work!" A tiny bit of me thinks he could go for that, but I am not sure it's worth the risk of him going "Don't be stupid woman, do you realise how much work I have to get done here!?"

It would be great to get him to relax for a few days and there is no way he will do that as long as he is close to work. Then if he were relaxed and feeling a bit better I may be able to talk to him about all this info I now have on PTSD. Set up a plan so to speak. really easy brief version that is... I dunno.
It all sounds good, but there is one minor detail, he wants nothing to do with me right now...

Thanks girls. Evie, he isn't regularly on email, but I can send him a text message on his mobile (cell) phone. I might do that. he will probably call me a hypocrite if i say sorry for what they did. Cos as far as he can see, I did it too by calling the Dr. Maybe worth a shot though.

 

[Bella78]

Oh Geez, i just spoke to his GP to try to get a feel for what he said to him that flipped him out, of course he couldn't tell me much, but I confirmed my original suspicions - he knows next to nothing about PTSD!!!! So furious!!

He didn't like it when I suggested he didn't know much either. He thinks cos he knows general stuff about mental illness he gets it. I realy thought a practitioner would be more aware of the potential diversity in these things.
:wall::wall::wall:

 

[Bella78]

Well, I did it, I messaged him to tell him I was very sorry for all the stress he had to contend with yesterdat and I hope he is feeling better. I went on to reassure him that I see that the way everyone told him off was not OK and I get that. I told him I am trying to get everyone to understand. I finished by saying that if there is anything I can do fot him I would be happy to and offered to bring him something good to eat. Then I finished by saying it was all up ti him and to never remember I care.

No reply, he is probably busy. If nothing else I hope it cheers his heart up just a little and maybe he will have a bit more faith that he can turn to me if he wants to....
I hope.

 

[Bella78]

Thankfully I have a positve step to report!!:smile:

After I had sent the message, and had no reply, although I said it was up to him and then therefore if I got no answer, in my calm state of mind I told myself to leave it at that, I needed to know he got my message. Maybe a bit of desperation. It hit me pretty hard to hear what a shocking day he had yesterday. So I called his phone. No answer, then I panicked. I think I have done a bit of that today. I realised nobody that I know of had even seen him today. I realised how doen he must be and that he is all alone. I don't have to say what I feared, I'm sure you all get what I mean.

So I decided to take Veiled's advice and take him a care pack, for his vomiting. I packed up dry crackers, electrolyte drinks. Sustagen (powdered energy shake), powdered Gatorade and some multi-vitamins. The I added a clean towel, some clean undies and clean socks. And off I went.

As I pulled up he was out the front with a couple of his "mates". Thank goodness he was OK (physically, anyway). He looked like "oh what is she doing here?" But as I pulled up he came to my door. He said "Just leave me alone" and I said, "I'm sorry, I will. I just thought some of this stuff may come in handy. But if you don't want to take it that is OK" He asked what it was. I showed him starting to cry a little. Then he said, "Thank you". I then said I would go as I don't want to push him. But he said, "Well, I can't send you away after you brought me that, can I?" :thumbs-up

But I said, "You don't have to, I will go." He went on to say he needs his space etc and I told him he didn't have to explain, I am beginning to really understand. I said I was so sorry for everyone upsetting him so much, but they just don't get it. When I said that the GP just doesn;t get it, he told me he left there is tears. Poor darling.

I managed to waffle out a few lines about how I am doing so much reading and I am sorry how I used to tell hiom off and tell him what to do and how to do things (even though I thoiught I was helping, to get things done). I made it clear that I understand this PTSD beast a lot better now.

He told me he wished I got it before.

I told him how furious I was that the Psychiatrist didn't make sure we were properly informed.

He thanked me again for the care pack and then he added a few caring lines about looking after myself. He then also said he has been trying to get home but he is just so busy and needs a bit more space.:thumbs-up

That is a posotve sign if you ask me. A bit more space sounds like maybe he is starting to come arpound.

I have hope of having him by my side for Christmas.

But I am still pertrified of what his mother is going to do. I have got to get my info sheet done TONIGHT so she has 2 days to read it and let it sink in before she flies into town. I hope she listens.

 

[Kathy]

I haven't much time to comment properly Bella, as things are down to the wire as far as leaving for our trip. However well done for all your efforts. I do hope his mother and other family come round. If they don't, at least he may count upon you. Take good care and all the best for your holidays.

 

[Bella78]

Please don't apologise Kathy. Ypou have something very busy and exciting going on. Plus, above all, your own family must come first.

I am filled with hope. My own mother is really beginning to understand also and she has given me even more encouragment. Recounting what happened with her, she also agrees it is a step in the right direction.

It's a big long road ahaead but I hope we hit the road soon.

 

[Tammy]

Hi Bella,
I don't mean this to 'dampen your spirits' at all, and I do not know if the same wil happen for you or not but I will tell you my story...
Alex found out he had PTSD just before we got together and we did the ptsd course together... during that time I tried to tell all of our family and friends what was going on and how certain things can affect him and so on... basically they thought I was just making excuses for him and that he had told me all of this to make me feel sorry for him... Even today certain members of his family don't want to hear anything about the ptsd and what it creates...
I do hope your info sheet does better for you than my 'lectures' did for me though...
Good luck with everything; I hope you will have him beside you for Christmas and that his mother takes our advice...
Tammy

 

[Bella78]

Hey Tammy, no don't worry, you have not dampened my spirits. I am a realist and I am prepared for the worst. I am guessing that it will take quite a bit to get everyone to see it from my point of view.

I had a session with my Psychologist tonight and she is very proud of me. She is a trauma specialist and says that I seem to have a good handle on how to care for someone with PTSD effectively. She said that 9 out of 10 carers get it all wrong and never really get it to "click" That shocked me. So few people...

She jokingly suggested I "kidnap him" and take him away for Christmas to eliminate the risk of any negative interactions. But then she seriously added that if I feel him out about how he feels about Christmas and he indicates that he would rather not do the family thing, I should try my best to do whatever it takes to keep them away from him. I need to protect him because he is in no state to protect himself. He will only get overwhelmed and damage his realtionships more. They will realise eventualy and hopefully one day understand, and if not, too bad.

I have distributed the summary (got it down to 3 pages!) to all of our family, both his and mine. My family are tops, the all understand and are behind me all the way. Have not had a chance to suss his family out yet. But they haven't all contacted me of their own accord to say thanks for the info and that they will do their best. Many in my family have done, so I think they are wonderful :clap:.

Now all I have to do is find a nice little place not too far from here that allows a dog that isn't booked at Christmas, just in case he wants to go for it (and I have a feeling he just might) - yep, wish me luck finding something at such late notice!

Anybody got a house at Capel, Moore River, anything quite close like that, anyone?....:rofl:

I am glad to be smiling today, I hope he is too.

 

[Kathy]

Anybody got a house at Capel, Moore River, anything quite close like that, anyone?....:rofl:

Well Bella you could certainly housesit for us, we will be gone 2 weeks. We have a lovely view by the sea, though it is not very warm in Newfoundland this time of year. And of course there is the small matter of us living literally on the other side of the world! :wink:

Very well done on the summary Bella. Whether or not his family accepts it, you have done your part and I must congratulate you on being so proactive. Would you be willing to share the summary with me? I am always looking for new articles for the carers information section. Unfortunately there will always be some family members who do not understand; we have them in our family as well. We cannot always protect Evie from them, however we are there for her and hope that counterbalances matters. We certainly do limit contact with the more "toxic" members of the family as much as possible.

She is a trauma specialist and says that I seem to have a good handle on how to care for someone with PTSD effectively. She said that 9 out of 10 carers get it all wrong and never really get it to "click" That shocked me. So few people...

Unfortunately Bella that does not shock me in the slightest. Your therapist is quite right. What she says is true across the board, regardless of the illness involved - schizophrenia, depression or what have you. When I was still a practicing therapist, it was most uncommon to have understanding and supportive family members. The 9 out of 10 figure sounds about accurate. Many family are ungenerous, fear change of any kind, and/or are unwilling to make the necessary efforts and allowances. Now you comprehend Bella why I am so impressed with you. It is frustrating dealing with many carers and you are a nice breath of fresh air.

If you are able to go away and he agrees, that would be marvelous Bella. If that unluckily falls through though, and you must see them, perhaps only see the family on one day during the holiday, and perhaps only for a couple of hours at the most. I am uncertain the traditions in Australia, however in Newfoundland we still celebrate the old-fashioned 12 days of Christmas, and often see family on every single day. There is an attitude that family must be together on Christmas Day, Boxing Day, New Years and so on, even if one does not get along. However as I'm certain you are aware, it is absolutely not necessary. It can be quite overwhelming if certain members of the family are less than kind.

Fingers crossed you find a place to stay Bella, and have a wonderful holiday regardless, you both deserve it!