General RED ALERT - Hitting Crisis! The Family is Ruining Everything!

[Bella78]

First of all, I would LOVE to house-sit in Newfoundland. Especialy since now I even know how to pronnounce it, thanks to Evie! :rofl: But yes, I suspect the whole "other side of the world" thing may be a bit of a problem. Hope the packing is all going well by the way! Must be a real err of excitement in your house. Safe trip.

And thanks. I sort of do comprehend that you are impressed with me. But at the same time I still can;t get over how few carers take it on. It really isn't so hard to just listen get it and set your mind to do it, and just do it! Geez. Thant angers me that most don't. Do they really love these people?

Anyway, enough of that.

I sure do hope he finds his trust for me at least enough that he will let me help him make Christmas whatever he is comfortable with. In the state he is in, that is the least I can do. I sure hope we can get away for a few days. orking 18 hours a day, 7 days a week for 8 months, he sure needs a break. Geez I could do with a cuddle from him now. Maybe soon enough...

OH! BTW, you will have probably read my PM by now, I have asked if you would read my summary anyway, to check I haven't got anything wrong... thanks. I will get it to you. But if you are too busy, please leave it for now. Holidays, exciting, yay!

:smile:

 

[Damiea]

I think its hard on carrers when something like PTSD happens after years into the relationship... or at least when it really showes up anyway. Then they have the memories of the person they loved before.. and sometimes I think its hard to almost sort of give up that person as lost.. and then keep on loving this new person. Carers don't stop loving the sufferer but for some the loss of the old person can be to much.
Just a different perspective for you! Hope the hollidays go well for you all!!!

 

[Bella78]

Thanks for that perspective Damiea. It is hard considering we have now been together 9 years, even though only married for 1. A lot of people thought a lot of the trouble was that we got married. Hubby has even said to me, "It's all your fault, you're the one who wanted to get married." That really hurt.

I do see what you mean when you say that for some the loss of the old person can be too much. And I even remember saying (when I thought PTSD would one day be gone from him), "I don't love this person he is now, but I know he is in there somewhere."

But now i know he will never be that same person again. But i like to think of it in a way that I read on this forum somewhere, I think it was Anthony that said, (paraphrasing) "That person will never be the same, they will be a new and hopefully improved model, although they will be weaker in some areas but hopefully stronger in some too."

I think the carers just need to try really hard to see the potential for the new improved model to come out.

And really, how many people don't change in the space of a few years anyway. How many of us can say we are the same person we were 10 or even 5 years ago? PTSD or not.

 

[FreedomO2]

I can so much identify with this. Our relationship really changed since the trauma. Sure, people change over a life time, but I guess PTSD takes another form of adjustment. I'm in the same boat, and can simply emphasize but have not too many suggestions. Hang in there!

 

[FreedomO2]

Hubby has even said to me, "It's all your fault, you're the one who wanted to get married." That really hurt..

That has been the story of my life since PTSD. It's either directly or indirectly my fault that she has ptsd. She expresses her love on one side, and 'it's somehow your fault' on the other side. Again, I can so much emphasize with you, specially with the grief and hurt you are feeling. :wall:

 

[Bella78]

Hey Harry, thanks. I am sorry that you are/have gone thru this too. I would not wish it on anyone at all. I hope things are better with you now.

I saw hubby last night. It was a rather emotion charged meeting. I tried to keep it all simple. But really just wanted to show him i am still here, that I care and that I am beginning to really understand. I also made it clear how sorry i am for pushing him so hard and that I am furious at all the medical practioners whose doors we moved in and out of who did not feel the need to say 3 simple words, "do some research". Nobody told me I was treating him the wrong way. God help us!

But unfortunatley for now it seems the harsh memory of me pushing and pushing (but only trying to help and get things on track) is burnt into his brain so well that that's all he remembers and all he thinks of me.

It's hard to say I am so sorry and now I understand and want to be there for you, only to have him say back that I should have learnt sooner and should have listened to stop pushing. But God how right he is. I am guessing i just have to continue to give him space, make brief gently supportive contact and hope that it begins to fade those very hurt memories he has enough to try trusting me again.

I don't even think he will be home for Christmas or want to see me. He said he has too much work to do.... oh how he needs a rest. But I will not tell him what to do. I don't even know what to do.

The family are still making me very nervous. They are not showing signs of understanding and putting him first. He will not be seeing them for Christmas. He made that descision himself and I told him it was completely fine. I bet he was not expecting that.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Bella, sounds like it is really going well for you. Just don't hold out too much for Christmas. Actually look into any improvement after the new year. The pressure of having to be around people because it is a certain day and is expected is more than enough for someone who is not far in therapy to "shut down".

While this may be a joyous day for many for many it isn't. And more often than not it is not a wonderful time to try to get thoughts straight for those suffering PTSD. From my experience holidays are best spent in hiding for me and I was in therapy for a long time.

Also, I wanted to toss this out because I think it has been a while since it was mentioned. Good stress. It can effect us as profoundly as bad. So at times things happen he should be happy about he may not seem that way because or bodies and minds just react to all stress a certain way. The PTSD cup explanation does well explaining this. So when you start to reconcile make sure you give plenty of "down time" for him to recoup. While this is a good stress it is one nonetheless. Him seeing you with the package was great, but it is a form of stress. Just go very gradual with those things so he is being "exposed" more often and not having to hard a crash later. You seem to do well gaging him so I think you will do this fine. Just thought I would toss that in. Have a Merry Christmas and hope the new year is better for you both.

 

[Bella78]

Thanks Veiled. I must say I am very pleased to get your perpective on this. And it gives me a lot of encouragment to hear that you think I am doing OK. :smile:

Thanks for the reminder about good stress. I will keep all info going to him at an absolute minimum. Very difficult when i have so much I want to tell him and ask him, but I know how bad that is, so I am trying to keep sentences short, no reambling, lots of silence, making sure he has an opportunity to speak if he wants to, and only ever planning 2 or so topics to discuss at a time. For example yesterday I gave hime some more stationery for the offce and asked him how he felt about seeing his family for Christams. Other topice were brought up by hum. Except when I offered to come clean, but I figures a little thing like that would be OK. He refuced, I left it at that (GOD!! That place sure needs a clean but!!!)

I am definitely not holding out for Christmas. I can see how it will be a pressure for him he'd rather not face. And I told him he shouldn't worry at all about it and do whatever he feels comfortable doing and that nobody will mind either way. He confirmed with me that he does not want to see his own family. I told him that would be fine (too bad if it isn't). I told his Mum it is very likely he won't be there. She said that was OK too. But unfortunaltely for the wrong reason. Lunch is being held at the relatives' who he had an argument with earlier in the week. I got the impression they are suggesting he is not welcome. I just have to make sure he does not find out that is the attitude. Screw them anyway. For now. They may come to understand in time. I am not going to waste any more energy trying to show them all how to see it. As long as they leave him alone, they can think what they like.

He suggested he may just work thru Christmas and he may just spend it alone. But he did not say he will work and be alone. And I must admit that I got a slight hint of game playinhg from him when he said that.ike he was testing me and wanted me to nurst out saying "Oh, no! Please come home for Christmas.!" I did not. I just said, "Whatever you want to do is fine. I know it is probably tough for you. Really, it's OK." Then he upped the ante by saying he has sooo much work to do anyway. I have a sneaking suspicion that if I gently pass on the message from my Grandmother that she would love to see him if he feels up to it, he may just come. Escpecilly since my sister's partner who had a bit of a falling out with some of our family is even swallowing his pride and possibly coming. If he ehars that, he may feel compelled to come to. He will have an "ally" then.

But I will leave it until tomorrow to ask him. I am taking him another little care pack, some face wash and his favourite cookies and some mail. I had my hari done today (FINALLY!!!) so he may even notice and think I look nice...

Just hope he isn't too sad today

 

[jods]

Sorry I haven't been on much this week but tis the season to be running around doing stuff.

Good on you for trying to inform you family, it's not always an easy thing to do.

I'm glad to hear you have treated yourself to a hairdo, bet you look great! Don't forget men don't tend to notice when we do that (even without the ptsd ) so don't be to disappointed if he doesn't notice.

I know it's easy to say but try to enjoy your time with your family for Christmas & don't feel guilty if hubby isn't there to share it with you. It's ok to enjoy things so try to enjoy the day.

:Hug_emoticon:

 

[Bella78]

I'm glad to hear you have treated yourself to a hairdo, bet you look great! Don't forget men don't tend to notice when we do that (even without the ptsd ) so don't be to disappointed if he doesn't notice.

:Hug_emoticon:

Hey Jodee, don't apologise!! I am sure you have been getting on wioth things, working, getting geared up for Cgrissy, getting realoy for family comeing Monday night!! And that's all great! Don't forget that!:Hug_emoticon:

Yeh the harido does kinda look pretty hot. My sister couldn;t believe it.. she goes, "oh, you look so pretty" That was nice to hear. :smile:

Hubbt actually came home this arvo to grab a few thingsand if he noticed he didn't say anything.... I didn't even think of it until a while after he left.

It was not such a bad interaction. I kept and talking to an ansolute minimum. Made him a drink but din not give it to him. When he came in (from out in the shed) I just told him it was there. No pushing. And didn't go out to him on the shed. Offered to serve him up some dinner which was just ready as he arrived, he said no time. Left it at that.:occasion:
Proud of me!!

Then as he was rushing off, I quickly passed on a message from my Grandmother (who he LOVES!) that she said she hopes he is feeling OK and hopes to see him for Christmas, if he is up to it, but if he isn;t that's OK too.. Instead of yelling, "I will be too busy!" or "I am not going to come to your family Xmas!" He just said "Yeh, OK, gotta go"... so I think that may be a sort of positive sign. :dontknow:But I am not getting my hopes up....

This is a damn slow process, but I still think it is all moving in the right direction...

Merry Christmas to you and the family if we don't chat before Jods!! I hope you have a peaceful relaxing time and the kids are good!

 

[Bella78]

Far out, sorry about all the typos - I am the WORST!:rofl:

 

[Bella78]

Update on how the family are all doing coming to terms with hubby's PTSD -
Tonight I had dinner with his Mum and her parents. Since I have told them they will not be seeing hubby opr I for Christmas. I don't even want to see some of tha family right now, too angry, but definitely wanted to see (and cuddle) his mum and grandparents.

It was really really nice. I thought I would not even want to talk about hubby, but that;'s only cos I expected it to be a negative and naggy and I already decided if that started I was going to calmy say, "If we aren't going to discuss positive aspects of this, I would rather not discuss it" But I didn't need to. The fairly anxious state I got into for the hour or so before I got there was totally unnecessary. The conversation was really quite good. No negative stuff at all.

There was a fair bit of analysing and then me trying to explain why he is acting the way he is and how he is feeling that makes him do that, how is so stressed about a couple things there is no room for anything else and that anything else that gets thrown in is like torture for him etc.

All in all his grandparents (especially his grandfather, who doesn't normally say too much when the topic is matter of the heart, so to speak) seem to really get it. I hadn't really expected that. But geez, what a relief. Not that I ever worried about them doing anything to overwhelm him, as I know they would not bacause they are very passive charaters, but the way I see it is that they are the matriarch and patriarch of the family and they will lead the way in many ways for everyone else. I was also a bit worried about getting an elderly couple to see things from a fairly "modern" point of view. But all seems good.

Also seems as thought the couple who had the disagreement with hubby and "blasted him" and have been very hurt by him are possibly also starting to come round. Mother in law told me they read the material I sent. She did not say they understand it or agree or anything though. But mother in law and the wife of the couple have agreed to go together to see hubby on Friday to help with some bookwork.

OK, this bookwork visit worries me. For a start, I am not at all confident that they will be able to go in there and act/talk etc in a gently supportive manner without stressing him out, especially given that they plan on "interfering" (as he will see it) in something that is his and he thinks he is managing just fine at (he most certailnly is NOT).

I said I would mention it to him within the next couple of days to "plant a seed". Decided if I get a tense reaction from him I will suggest (or more likely insist) they give it a miss. Not willing to chance this slowly but surely miniscule progress we have made the past 2-3 weeks. No matter how badly the bookwork need updating. Only problem is, there are tax matters that need to be dealt with, or there could be trouble, so unfortunately we may have no choice. I thinkI just have to passively play a role in ensuring this is done in the best way possible... it is still 5 days before when they plan to go. Hopefully he will be a bit better by then. By this time it will be 5 weeks since he moved out of our home.