The Fight Side Of Fight Or Flight

[Justmehere]

I don't know where to post this, so please feel free to move it if needed.

No descriptions of physical violence or actual fights in this.

I have a tendency to get into verbal fights with people (never physical) when I have more triggers and PTSD stuff going on. It's really bad for my life... and not who I want to be. It feels very defensive, like I have to do it to be safe... It really screws up relationships! It comes out the most with authority and helping figures and not much with friends. It's not really needed as much as I get triggered into it. It is rarely the best way to actually be safe.

My therapist suggested trying to respond to my inner "fiesty teenager" (as she called it) by being nice to myself and being friends with myself.

I kept telling my therapist I just want that part of me to be gone! She thinks it's a good thing to have, "just not so overgeneralized" and to try to have compassion for myself and what this fight in me has been trying to accomplish (safety).

I'm just tired of fighting the world...

Anyone ever struggle with anything like this? any ideas about what helps?

 

[J_trustno1]

OMG, this is me everyday. I am getting into constant verbal arguments with my mother. It is not really her fault for this condition of mine but her side of the relatives. Her fault was that she agreed to their mistreatment that was imposed on me. As a result I don't trust my mother. She has been controlling and now whenever she asks where I am going, it triggers me because I feel that she is suspecting me. Her listening to her relatives (my abusers) makes want to abandon her for the rest of her life. Whenever I cry she feel that I am just doing a sympathy stunt and she really doesn't understand what I am going through. I had a horrible argument this Monday where I cried the entire day and couldn't do any work. I was crying the whole day yesterday too and again we had an argument yesterday. Today it started all over again, but today it was her who was crying not me. I think I am also giving her sh!t back. I don't know what to do to stop this, perhaps leave this house and abandon whoever was a part of my past.

My psychologist has told me that my mother will never change and so won't her relatives. I should just maintain an artificial relationship with them all and never let my emotions out in front of them as they will never understand me. Secondly, she told me that I am fighting a losing battle and the more I get into arguments with these people, the more I am suffering from the emotional pain. So it best to just avoid spending time with them which I am implementing now days. I avoid all my relatives, and I will probably leave my home once I find a job so I can make a peace with my past.

One more thing, is that you've gotta find a safe place where you are happy and nothing triggers it. I know that people can be hard on you just because they haven't experienced the same pain and they don't see PTSD or Depression as an outside disease therefore not much sympathy or empathy is provided to the victim.

Lastly, try reading something positive each day, meeting positive people And DO NOT spend time with anyone who is negative around you because they will drain the positive energy out of you and leaving you feeling crap! Also exercise daily to release the endorphins to your system (happy hormones), meditate and yoga (best thing for your mind to keep you calm) and choose an activity that you enjoy, it could be learning an instrument, playing a sport, dancing or anything that you always wanted to learn but couldn't get the chance or afford to. The main thing here is that you spend your energy on you NOT on those losers who have hurt you. I knw that it is difficult and you will get people telling you to get over it but you just can't easily let go. So keep trying and also spend some time in the nature, try feeling the breeze on your face, seeing the green trees or even go to the beach,, whatever makes you unleashed and happy. For me, I love trees and greenery so I try finding places where i can access all this. I also love the ocean so i go to the beach in order to be in touch with the beautiful nature.


I hope I helped and get well soon. It is a long journey but trust me we can all do it :)

 

[arfie]

Count me a chronic yes. I'm getting better, but I would still wish it away if I could. It do get incredibly tiresome.

While we are wishing things away, can we wish away the scar over my eye, too?

Sigh... Still there, itchy and twitchy as ever... My inner teen witch is making fun of it. Again!

Your closing comment of being tired of fighting Is quite compatible with your T's suggestion of being nicer to your "feisty teenager" aspects. It actually seems to work for me, along with a host of other tools. My T suggested I try giving her some of the parenting she should have had during the actual teen years.

 

[Tswevnz]

I'm wondering if it is a defense mechanism? Like - I've come to expect the worst in any situation due to losing so much and being through so many traumatic and eventful accidents last 3 years of my life.

Fighting and causing the worst scenario - pushing people away - just in case it will happen.

This way it's you are controlling it and pre emptying the pain. That's just my theory. I create chaos in my life sometime .... But at least then I see it coming. Sounds crazy - but for me - I think that's how my brain is trying to protect me.

 

[WillyKat]

My pattern isn't daily, but weekly. Weekends are the worst because I spend them with my OCD wife. Trigger city. By Tuesday, I'm usually doing OK again.

A year ago, it was everyday like this, so what changed?

It was something my therapist said. I had been overly rational about how my family noticed something wrong but failed to do anything about it. I kept saying that their lack of action was understandable given the backwoods town we lived in, it being the 1960s, lack of intelligence. And all that is true. But, to a six year old that didn't yet have a rational mind, didn't understand the people had limitations and that parents weren't perfect, I internalized a lot of rage. My therapist asked me if I was giving them a bye.

So the anger and rage I felt was that little kid and all he knew was that those he needed to be there weren't. It hurt like hell and no amount of education removes that primal sense of betrayal.

The second thing I'd like to say (and shorter) is that consider not trying a knockout blow. I've become convinced that trying to just stop, end, kill the stress levels, the anger, and rage will always fail. Instead, open a valve at the bottom of your anger bucket and let it drip out. That's a more attainable goal that trying to flip it off like a light switch.

Hope that all helps.

 

[franciemarnie]

If I work out everyday, I tend not to go crazy on people. That's my release valve.

I used to unconsciously feel that if only they could see the "error" of their thinking, etc., then I would feel better and all would be well.

But on the whole and in general, my strife was internal and no manipulation of things outside myself was going to change that. It might feel that way for a moment. But the discomfort would return inside again. It took a long time to realize I had to change me, not anyone else.

That is not to say I would put up with bad behavior though.

 

[Seasounds]

So funny you should ask, just got back from being a little fiesty, myself, with a store clerk who asked a personal question. Not my usual; being protective when I feel invaded, or treated poorly, is a skill I've had to develop. I agree, it is a great skill to have.

What I share with you, is learning how to slow things down and finding a way to express myself in a kind or protective (but not mean) manner-to myself and the other person. My current steps in this task:

1. Breathe (x 1)
2. Feel my feelings
3. Breathe (x 2)
4. Realize where I am and to whom I am responding.
5. Choose some non-violent (e.g. that doesn't work for me, I don't like that, etc.) non-blaming words, or say nothing at all.
6. After I have thought about the situation and what I can constructively talk about, then I approach the person later.

Non-violent communication helped a lot to deal with anger, in 'real time'. 'Therapy time', what has helped me be able to feel and express anger (about the past and present), adjust to the perspective that I was doing my best-even though I wasn't who I wanted to be, (as was the other person), and realize I am at choice to make changes-how to engage or disengage.

It is a big skill set to learn. I am better and I have a long way to go. Oh yes, realizing that I create my feelings, not others, was helpful, too. Good luck to us all!

 

[Barconian]

Authoritative figures that are stupid give me the shits and I can't help myself, but to challenge those dimwits who think they are better than I... Now days I try not to be around them as best I can and if they aren't concerning me, I don't worry about them. If they are concerning me, I try my best to zip my lip and let nature take it's course... It doesn't always work but

 

[Tswevnz]

Don't argue with an Idiot .
They only drag you down...
Then beat you with experience

 

[bell]

I second everyone that says breathe. I know it sounds simplistic and stupid, but just take a few seconds when you want to lose it and breathe. And then think (really think) about how you *choose* to act. Yes, it can be hard to do that when triggered, but we do have a choice of how to act.

Also, like @franciemarnie suggested, working out really helps me, too!

 

[WillyKat]

Here's an idea I've been toying with lately: pretend you're their psychologist. Wait patiently to what they say, hear them out, carefully select some effective language, and finally reboot their feeble mind.

That's sort of experimental, but I'm going to try it out on my wife.

 

[The Albatross]

Creating a pause (time to process and select a response) before I react or reply works for me... mostly.