So So So Sad

[Smile]

Oh man, this is going to be a hard post to write.

I can barely hold on... I feel my grip loosening on this dream of "tomorrow" which everyone talks about. Where is my tomorrow? I don't believe anymore that tomorrow will be a better day.

I moved to florida recently. My therapist back home thought it was a great idea. I left my job (I would have been fired anyway because anxiety was negatively impacting my work) got on unemployment and moved.

But now I'm here and everything is so hard. Yes, I love where I live. But my mind won't allow me to enjoy it!

Can't even think of getting a job, fighting with all I have just to get through the day alive.

I got obamacare & had a psychiatrist appointment yesterday. I had it all planned out because my medications are just running out.

But when I went in to see the doctor, she told me the clinic has a policy not to give prescriptions for Xanax! She was perplexed as to why I wasn't told this on the phone.

So I left and called another psychiatrist listed on my insurance plan, they said they for take my insurance.

I woke up this morning and my bank account balance is -$43. Unemployment doesn't come in until next Wednesday. So no money for food, gas or cigarettes.

I have no more anxiety meds and 3 more xanax (which I can't fall asleep without).

I was thinking of going to an in-patient treatment center but don't know where to find a normal one (bad memories of "One flew over the cuckoo's nest").

I finally called my sister tonight and told her the situation and she said she will make some calls for me.

But how do I know this will ever get better? What kind of life is this, just surviving??


I've been taking care of everyone else my whole life, now I'm expected to live an entire life of pain just so everyone else doesn't get hurt???

It's not fair. I don't want to be dead but I don't want to live this kind of life either.

This life Im living... It's like I'm already dead

 

[Lionheart]

I wanted to tell you that I understand what it is like to feel that you are only surviving rather than actually living. There was a period of time in my life, when I had just begun to heal, that it seemed like I was already dead. It was a "living hell" ~ I didn't believe it would ever get any better. I was suicidal and living with a death wish.

Still, I got up each day and went to therapy with no conscious belief that things would improve. Progress was painfully slow. One day however, I found that I no longer wanted to die, that my quality of life had improved, and that I was actually enjoying life.

My therapist said that healing is like growing a fingernail; we don't really notice at first, but one day we look down and there is a long nail. This is how it was for me with healing and working through my PTSD and depression issues.

I am sorry that you are having a rough go of it, but it can get much better, and I wanted you to know that. Hang in there, and if you feel you need to, go on to an in-patient treatment center and let them help you through this difficult time.

I had to be hospitalized as an in-patient a couple of times during my first year of healing and I have never regretted it. I got a nice rest, some therapy, medication management, as well as a lot of encouragement and support.

Anyways, I wish you the very best and hope that you will continue to reach out for support.

Sincerely,
Lionheart777

 

[Mercy]

Are there places like soup kitchens where you can eat for free? I encourage you to keep looking for a PTSD specialist healer or healing place. Your life can and will get better, maybe not tomorrow,or next month. I do know. like Lionheart above, that hard work on your traumas does bear fruit. You will get better.

 

[Smile]

@Lionheart777, did you to the hospital for in-patient treatment or a treatment center?

 

[cherryblossom]

So I left and called another psychiatrist listed on my insurance plan, they said they for take my insurance.

When do you see the new psychiatrist?

I also want to echo what @Lionheart777 said, things will get better, but it's a slow process. Keep people like your sister close to you. She can help you, even if it's just emotional support. Perhaps she can help you a little bit financially too. Quit the ciggies if possible, they are a huge financial burden. Maybe see if there are any food banks around (I don't know if you have such things in the US?- I'm in the UK).

It will get better for you. You are working on that, but you also need to concentrate on getting the basics sorted - food, rent, meds. Try to seriously work out your budget, so you can keep your head above water financially. It's tough to budget, if you are used to working and having enough money. I've been unemployed for 7 months now, after always having enough money for my needs. Learning to tightly budget will help, because although it's difficult to manage, you don't then have the worry about the size of your overdraft.

Once all the basics are sorted, you can work on everything else, one step at a time. You will find a way out of this current situation. Do as much research as you can for local organisations who might help. Also see what you can find out about inpatient centres in your area.

You didn't go through all the hassle of moving to a new place, to give up now. It will get better. Find your inner fighter and strive for what you want to achieve. And when you're feeling low, don't just sit at home feeling depressed - force yourself to go outside and enjoy your new surroundings. Going for a walk and exploring your new home doesn't cost anything!

My heart goes out to you, because it's clear just how sad you are. Don't give up - things will get better. (Safe) hugs :hug:

 

[Britt.f7]

Hang in there. Things will get better, unfortunately it takes time. I picked up my life several times and moved. Now I'm settled, but it took awhile to find the perfect(?) niche. I'm not sure I am in the perfect one now, but it suits my family. I still remember picking up my stuff and moving across many states. It was a relief and scary at the same time.

All the above advice is great. I really can't improve on it. I just wanted to show my support.