Attachment Disorder And Therapy

[DharmaGirl]

I have been seeing my therapist (T) for over 2 years now. It was very hard to learn trust and I quit about 15 times. I always went back right away, but in my head I quit. I finally got to the point where I could relax, and trust and I had to get a new insurance that my T doesn't take. I was paying 1,000 a month for my insurance, and now I have Medicaid. That is truly a blessing since I have some medical issues.

Along with Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI) I have private long term disability insurance (LTD) through my last job. I should be able to have it until July, or even up until December. My caseworker, who is aggressive to me and my doctors, called to tell me I would be cut off, I didn't understand him and what he was saying because I was sleeping when he called. I just thought I would be cut off.

To make a long story shorter, I was going to pay my T cash, since I didn't have that huge payment every month, then an additional 230 dollars in meds. Since I got the LTD cut off, I didn't have money to pay my T. I was bereft. There was no consoling me. I didn't even recognize myself. I cried for 3 days. I know being cut off from my T was a trigger, but it lasted longer than I wanted it to.

I don't remember much. I remember crying while talking to people on the phone, like my eye doctor's office, and the endocrinologist's office. I remember my T telling me he would work with me even if he had to do it pro bono. It didn't help, I was already triggered. No one understood that it was whatever the losing the therapist triggered. Not being upset with losing the therapist. All I could picture was being in a white room.

I missed last week's appointment because of the snow and ice. Their office was closed. I have an appointment for friday but I have no interest in going. I don't have any feelings for my therapist. I don't feel like I need therapy for awhile, I just want to go on with my life. I have the money to pay him since my case manager was wrong, but I can't really work up enough will to go.

Is this a simple case of denial? Is it because the worst thing I could imagine in therapy happened, and I still lived, even though I didn't think I'd make it through the grieving alive? Or is it because I'm simply no longer attached to him. Any thoughts?

 

[ms spock]

I think you have had a really hard time and all your attachment stuff came up and you were inconsolable. Everyone has different ideas on what this means.

I think you could ease up on yourself and just notice it for what it is. This might not be helpful (that is only logical ;) )

But you could note it as a process you went through that illustrates how much healing you have to do at this time regarding your attachment issues.

I am more in favour of this idea that you could look at all the factors of stress that were in your life at the time, and there were a multitude of them and think well that is the the straw that broke the camel's back. That seriously aggressive case manager you had to deal with, giving you incorrect information, thinking you had no income, thinking you were losing all your support, on top of everything else that was going on? It is not hard to see why you have a very emotional time.

It just simply got too much and your PTSD stress cup didn't overflow it went volcanic.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Yes, I should know just to see it as a process, sit with it and not judge it. I had even more stressors going on, and I haven't been doing my daily meditation practice. I missed Thursday and Sunday group meditation because of the weather. I will sit with it and watch and not judge. It is what it is, neither good nor bad.

 

[scout86]

Is it possible that you've been through so much recently that right now you're just numb and not "feeling" much of anything? Even "feelings" that are actually there?

Glad to hear the money end of things worked out. Somehow it just doesn't seem right that the insurance companies run the world!

 

[Pencil]

Is it possible that you've been through so much recently that right now you're just numb and not "feeling" much of anything?

That was my first thought as well. Emily Dickenson wrote a poem about exactly this - will see if I can find it.

When I started reading I got extremely upset (due to my own situation and issues) regarding having to simply terminate due to money. Then I read that he is willing to see you pro bono, and got faith in humanity again - and my heart rate went .down.

And no, I honestly don't think attachment issues play out by simply not giving a damn.

 

[ms spock]

Yes, I should know just to see it as a process,

Ease up on the judgment here - you could see it as a process. If you can't then you don't need to judge yourself. You can notice that you are judging yourself and apply mindfulness and radical acceptance, if you can. If you can't then you notice what that is like.

Having missed your meditation and connection on top of everything else - it is time to ease up on yourself.

Baby steps.

I have trouble not judging myself as well, but sometimes I don't and it eases up the pressure a little.

I am a "shoulder" as well. But that is not kind and compassionate to myself.

If you can't be kind and compassionate to yourself then you can notice that do mindfulness around that as well.

You have been hit from every direction. You came through. That is a big achievement. So let yourself have a bit of bounce back time now.

 

[ms spock]

If you can meditate for 5 minutes and enjoy that success that would be great. If not notice what that is like.

 

[Pencil]

Here's the Dickinson:

After great pain, a formal feeling comes —
The Nerves sit ceremonious, like Tombs —
The stiff Heart questions was it He, that bore,
And Yesterday, or Centuries before?

The Feet, mechanical, go round —
Of Ground, or Air, or Ought —
A Wooden way
Regardless grown,
A Quartz contentment, like a stone —

This is the Hour of Lead —
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow —
First — Chill — then Stupor — then the letting go —



I just love the image of the 'formal feeling'. I'm so familiar with it.

 

[Hashi]

I remember my T telling me he would work with me even if he had to do it pro bono. It didn't help, I was already triggered. No one understood that it was whatever the losing the therapist triggered.

Yes, I should know just to see it as a process, sit with it and not judge it

OK, first I'm going to be honest and say that I'm a bit lost altogether in this thread. Everyone seems to be speaking some language I don't understand. So I'm probably going to speak a language that no-one else understands. Please feel free to disregard it if I'm completely missing the point here, because I have to say that the point is missing me.

My language is that there is something about this picture that's bothering me. Sitting with it and not judging it is one thing. Sitting with it and gaining some sort of non-judgemental awareness is another. Isn't that called detached awareness and isn't that considered a helpful approach?

I would suggest that detached non-awareness isn't helpful in this situation. Or any situation.

What is the awareness?

 

[Pencil]

I would suggest that detached non-awareness isn't helpful in this situation. Or any situation. What is the awareness?

Yoh, punchy post. Like it a lot.

 

[ms spock]

@Hashi

I was aware that this might not make much sense to anyone who wasn't in the Happiness Challenge or Six Pillars conversation.

What you call detached awareness, I call mindfulness.
I am trying to use the language that I have learnt around mindfulness, unsuccessfully it would seem.

 

[Hashi]

@Ms Spock I don't know about those threads but I am familiar with the idea of mindfulness. I am thinking that mindfulness does include awareness, and that can be awareness of all sorts of things. Mindfulness can enable us to face things we would otherwise find overwhelming - with the point of facing and dealing with them. Not to just watch them forever.

Monster said:

Is this a simple case of denial? Is it because the worst thing I could imagine in therapy happened, and I still lived, even though I didn't think I'd make it through the grieving alive? Or is it because I'm simply no longer attached to him. Any thoughts?

I feel like this enquiry is being self-soothed away perhaps a little too much.

If this is a process, what is the process? What is happening?

@Ms Spock you said:

a process you went through that illustrates how much healing you have to do at this time regarding your attachment issues.

So... great, let's put away the judgement. And work on the attachment issues. Or whatever the issues are. No judgement, and no putting everything away either.

But now Monster is saying:

I will sit with it and watch and not judge.

So,,,, this is where I'm lost. What happened to trying to understand it? Non-judgementally, sure. What happened to all those big questions though?

I'm going to be very straightforward and say that Monster I'm also mindful of other fairly recent posts of yours I've read where you indicate that you've felt unstable, suicidal and at times have been in need of going to hospital. Has that changed? If not, I think something more concrete is needed than sitting without judgement and watching. I'm concerned that this is actually an unhelpful approach, when you might be in need of more grounding, more awareness and seeing things more literally.

Again, I feel like I'm seeing things "wrongly" from other people in this thread. So if I am then I am.

I just don't get it. I use metaphysical ideas but I also think there's a time and a place. I think there's a real risk of floating into the nice ideas when our feet need to be firmly on the literal ground.