I Hit My Husband, A Lot.

[Lady of Longbourn]

@nerdyni I just gave you a warning for attacking a member by name calling. Attacking and name calling is not allowed here and if continues it will get you banned.

You have been warned.

 

[Abstract]

I think most people have been very fair here in their responses. I neither think answers have been enabling nor shaming. I am surprised to see how anyone could see the answers as shaming. People holding a mirror up to a situation and saying how it is is the healthiest and best thing for all concerned in situations such as this.

It does sound like your situation is complicated nerdina but for both your sakes you need have space between you. It is neither healthy for your husband to be abused nor is it helpful to you for you to continue. Look at at the shame it creates for you. Change is going to take time and you need to be out of a relationship until you are able to be in one without resorting to physical or other aggression. It is not an option for your to stay together and him to continue to abused in this way.

The first step seems to me to be an anger management programme. After that you can speak to your therapist and make decisions step by step. We all deserve healing.

Stay strong and face the reality of the situation you are in. That will help you find change. Change and healing is very possible - if you are honest with yourself and others, take responsibility for your actions and get professional help.

 

[Loner]

Hey everyone, I think nerdyina is doing her best and came here because she wants to change. I think we can all understand that our responses, while fair, might be a little overwhelming, and I think we all know how easy it is to give up on a new and difficult path when being met with unexpected difficulties, so maybe if some of you feel like it it would be a good thing to send her a private message, nothing about her relationship with her husband or this thread, just something nice and supportive, (NOT CONDONING her behavior) so she feels welcome here. If she feels too attacked she may just never come back here and that would be unfortunate for her and her husband.

 

[Valentino]

Valentino, because Woody Allen probably isn't going to read that thread, and he is not here on this site asking for help. I abhor the abusive behavior described in this thread but the simple fact that she posted it implies she would like to change.

Please read the actual contents of that long thread, and if you can endure it without getting too triggered because it was an emotionally charged discussion. You will see that there was heated debate about whether or not to humanize child abusers, with many if not most taking a hard lined stance to totally demonize anyone with potential of child sexual abuse .

I'm just pointing out what I see as a contradiction in behavior. People here seem much more willing to humanize an openly admitted physically violent abusive wife.

Could someone please visit both instances and explain to me how I'm not really seeing a contradiction? Or maybe it is just a male/female thing, women generally get more benefit of the doubt?

As for shaming, and rescuing/enabling... I'm seeing tons of it in this thread, I can point out point by point specifically, feel free to PC me if you really care to know.

 

[Abstract]

totally demonize anyone with potential of child sexual abuse

Totally untrue but I am not going further as it is already taking this thread off track. I am therefore not going say more than peodophilia is not curable but other abuse is. It is not about demonising and is about looking at the reality and dealing with the situation appropriately. I think this needs to be discussed on a new thread if further discussion is needed as it isn't relevant here. Just my opinion.

 

[Abstract]

I have to say I am really saddened that there would be no anger management treatment and ongoing therapy for someone jailed for physical violence and especially when the person has PTSD. It's a disgrace.

 

[Loner]

Ya I too would think anger management would be part of the requirements for probation?

 

[Notsowild]

I'm from Canada and there is anger management courses in prison. My father had to take it as a condition for his release. Maybe it depends on the length of incarceration. I would also think the probation services would have that type of help too.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Could someone please visit both instances and explain to me how I'm not really seeing a contradiction? Or maybe it is just a male/female thing, women generally get more benefit of the doubt?

DING DING DING, folks, we have a winner!! Yes, Valentino, you hit the nail on the head. The truth is that people do not want to see women as malicious monsters so they're given the benefit of the doubt....or even just the "benefit" when there really is no doubt... It's why so many underage male sexual abuse survivors are discounted, and told that they're lucky to have gotten with an older woman. It's why shows like Dateline dare to run stories about middle age women who have sex with teenagers in the name of love and are dumbfounded when they end up on the sex offender list. (Yes, I vented here on the forum about that dateline episode when it aired awhile ago). That show never would have been aired if it was a middle age man professing his natural and beautiful love for a 15 year old girl.

Sorry to get off track, just wanted to answer Valentino.

 

[Loner]

I think theres more to it than that though. I was abused by my mother and do not hesitate to think that women are capable of being spiteful selfish cruel sadistic etc but the truth about violent abuse is that when a man violently abuses a woman, she is physically dominated and quite incapable of defending herself, when a woman abuses a man, he usually would not have the same level of terror that comes with being attacked by a creature capable of completely dominating you physically, she takes advantage of the fact he won't hit her back.

This does not make what she does right any more than it makes someone who takes advantage of a drunken girl not a rapist, but it is extremely different than someone who violently tortures someone while raping them.

For this reason, it is also a far different thing for someone to abuse a child, and a far different thing for someone to beat a child than to sexually molest them.

Not all abuse is created equal. None of it is right or ok. Yes, this is straying off topic but I wanted to address this. Personally I think all people should be humanized, even the monstrous ones, not because THEY deserve it, but because it keeps US from becoming more like THEM.

 

[BloomInWinter]

@nerdyni, the behaviors you mention combined with your comments mean you are now a serious abuser.

Seeking chaos and perpetuating it can be a cycle of traumatic re-enactment. It is dangerous and treating it requires long term therapy. Physical separation is essential until the physical violence ends.

You say you cannot afford counseling, but if you do not get help, you are on a path to lose your freedom, and all opportunities to have a different life with the time you have left on this earth.

You have said you love him, but what you are describing is not love, but abuse and addiction to excitement. It is not love which dehumanizes or degrades other human beings. If you were raised to believe your behaviors stem from love, you must get help now. I hope you do. It must be terrible to live the chaos you are describing. The behaviors and beliefs you are speaking of are very bizarre and abnormal. You will need a lot of work and help in order to change these.

I hope you are committed to changing yourself from being an abuser who is dangerous to a safe, caring, trustworthy person. You deserve to live a life without such chaos and pain.

But for both your sakes, I hope your husband stays far away and gets help for himself so he can seek support and skills needed to bring peace and safety in his life. If your husband had posted what you have, I'd have told him to leave and seek immediate help for abuse.

No healing is possible while the addictive cycle of chaos is active. All physical acting out must cease. Please do get yourself some help so you don't spend the rest of your life in prison...or worse.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Loner,
You completely disregard female on female abuse. I am female. My abusers was female. There was no female-male dynamic.