I Hit My Husband, A Lot.

[Hashi]

Please be respectful of other members. You can disagree with someone without calling them names.

 

[Hashi]

What happened with the counsellor you saw two years ago? Have you had any therapy?

 

[Sandi79]

I keep reading your post and I cannot comprehend how you can say that you don't need help or that you should stay. Even if he is verbally abusive, hitting someone is never alright. Never.

I understand bad marriages, bad men, bad relationships. I have had my fair share.

But I do not hit anyone.

I have behaviors I need to work on, and I found counseling, for free.

No one here can help you if you wont help yourself.

 

[bell]

praying for god to help me

They say God works in mysterious ways. Who knows he didn't steer you here to get some much-needed advice?

There is so much violence in your story... that it, in and of itself, screams that you need help! Your past that you described shows you need help. Your husband needs help. (And truth be told, so does his father.)

Listen to what other people are saying. If you think they're being an asshole, chances are probably that they're just a little too close to right and that their response hits home. If you don't remember hitting your husband, then yes, chances are that if you are holding something and are triggered, you could disassociate again and hurt him worse than you have.

To help both him and you, go get help at a shelter. If you have access to money somehow, go see someone. If you have hurt yourself again, go to the hospital. Because this situation is escalating and escalating things almost always have a dear dear price... and frequently, a price that can never be repaid.

 

[ill]

@nerdyni, how long have you lived in Canada? Do you have a provincial health card? If you do, I think you may be able to access free therapy through mental health services at your nearest hospital, through a community health center (depending on your income bracket), or via the Canadian Mental Health Association. It's certainly worth investigating though, and even if you can't access those services, they may be able to direct you to other services.

 

[Meadowsweet]

And violence can be verbal as well.

There are effects from all kinds of abuse. But verbal aggression and physically abusing somebody else's body are not any where close to being the same thing.

However much you love him, and whatever your problems are. That abuse has to stop immediately - it can't wait while you seek therapy, because (unlike emotional abuse) physical violence can go from a relationship, to murder or disabling/disfugring someone for the rest of their life. It is dangerous. Your citizenship comes second to his physical safety.

 

[KysMom]

Go to ur local free clinic. They usually have family counselors that may be able to lend professional advice.

 

[Loner]

So what did you come to this site for? Comforting? Reassurance? Validation? Or for honest objective non judgmental advice and feedback from people who have lived through similar things?

I'm sorry, this is not what you want to hear, but you are an abuser. I know that can't be nice to hear but its the truth. I think you are choosing to be in this situation, and to keep perpetuating and creating this situation because you get something from it. That is not a judgement, I have put a lot of energy into continuing to create painful and unhealthy situations for myself because they were familiar. This won't stop until you truly want it to stop though. You come here and tell us about this, and while your honesty is impressive and admirable, you are also defensive and come up with excuses as to why this simply must continue. It doesn't have to, it should stop, and you have the power to make it stop.

Finally, your actions are your own responsibility. If you feel like hitting your husband, leave the house, go for a walk. There is no excuse for abuse.

 

[Mayday]

he grabbed a knife and tried killing himself, so I hit him in the face. I was in a panic and didn't know what to do, and when I did, my plan worked

After that, I became a different person. Angrier, more irritable

I think that how you described your previous relationship, is significant. You were in a very scary situation, and in your panic you responded with violence, which at the time seemed to "work".

So when your husband and you fight, it brings up that feeling of panic, and your brain remembers what "worked" previously, was violence. When we are in a situation of panic, we are not thinking rationally. This is not a way to excuse irrational behaviour or violence, but it is a way to understand it better. When we understand the way we act, it can give us choices.

Awareness also comes with responsibility.

You know that when you fight with your husband it causes feelings of panic.
You know that when you have those feelings of panic, that you are resorting to violence.

Now it's the hard part. Asking for help. You need help to learn other ways of dealing with feelings of panic. The violence may have been appropriate in the abusive situation you initially mentioned, but it is no longer an appropriate response and it is hurting your husband, and yourself.

 

[Valentino]

Most fights my husband and I get into, I end up attacking him viciously, by throwing things at him, kicking him in the face, slapping him, I have also bit him. I get into a mind set where my brain becomes fuzzy and reality turns very hazy and angry and the biggest thing I feel is fear, then feeling worthless.
...
He has been physical with me once. He threw a bag of food and it hit me in the eye, he rushed over to apologize saying he was aiming some where else, but the bag went straight at my face and it looked like he was trying to throw it at me. I do most of the physical violence, though, he has never hit me or pushed me, he usually comes up to me and tries to restrain me.
...
I started hitting my husband and I went to jail and was put on probation. Usually we get into an argument, we're both angry and stressed out and then I get an attitude and he eventually starts calling me names like the C word and B****. He gets in my face screaming and I attack him, and he continues to and doesn't allow me to leave the room, and if I sit down to escape it, he comes in and tells me how much of a this and that I am. I Have broken his front tooth and now his tail bone is hurting, he says I kicked him and I don't even remember doing it. Half the time I can't remember doing the things I've done.
...
The next hour, I start crying, praying for god to help me, to stop the thoughts and to calm down. My husband has dumped me a lot but he always comes back when things cool down. He will take a week or two to avoid touching me etc. It took about two months until he made love to me. He said he's terrified of me. He told me he doesn't abuse me verbally, that he defends himself. He refuses to go to counseling and I can't afford counseling. I have been raped in the past and have been with two other men who also physically abused me. As well as being cheated on numerous times and verbally abused by everyone I've been with.

Wow... Is there a double standard here because she is a woman? I can't imagine a guy getting any sort of sympathy here as a victim if the roles were reversed. The amount of physical violence and abuse is pretty darn severe. It got to the point where she went to jail!

I admire the guts to come up in here and be so honest about your personal history as a violent abusive wife, and at the same time seeking for help as a victim.

I guess I'm impressed that so many people can reserve their knee-jerk judgment reactions on you as an admitted abuser, but I'm perplexed why many people couldn't do the same thing in the woody allen is not a monster article thread.

What's with people trying to shame and guilt trip her into better behavior?? If shame worked, she would've been able to stop it a long time ago. I'm sure she's been trying to shame herself to stop her anger, and the husband's family members likely tried shame, but it didn't work so they resorted to death threats.

Can anyone please direct me in the right path?

If you genuinely want to heal, you really need to start with addressing your past suffering and pain. It will need to start with better communication skills, so you do not have to resort to psychological or physical violence to share your hurt feelings. Until you better learn how to recognize and communicate your pain, you will continue the same cycles. Even if you get away from your husband, you're highly likely to continue same patterns with different characters.

Your pain wants to be felt, heard, and recognized. By you FIRST, and then you can work on how best to get others to hear and honor your pain too. Until any of that happens, you'll resort to childish strategies of acting out with verbal or physical abuse.

A therapist is probably a good start. If you have unhealthy lifestyle habits, cleaning them up could also help. Some people find religion useful.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@nerdyni,
I think you need to remember who your audience is. Many of us have PTSD from abuse, and as such you're not likely to get a lot of sympathy. You are playing the victim card (ie your attack on echo), but here, your PTSD status takes a backseat to the fact that you are an abuser. Yes, you want help, but at the same time you don't as evidenced by your excuses. I think you need to take a good hard look at your situation and do the right thing. (PS, if you were a guy, there would probably be a few more choice words thrown around. That is, if you came here and said "I beat my wife and I refuse to leave her, and by the way, I'm on probation for abuse"----well let's just say this thread would have lit up with fireworks. Just something to think about as it seems that you're not taking your behavior as seriously as you should, and people are actually not being harsh with you.)

 

[Loner]

Valentino, because Woody Allen probably isn't going to read that thread, and he is not here on this site asking for help. I abhor the abusive behavior described in this thread but the simple fact that she posted it implies she would like to change.

There is still no excuse for abusive behavior and I don't think anyone was making any for her.


I agree with Solara. If you came here looking for a shoulder to cry on and not to be held accountable you came to the wrong place. Many men here have been abused by women. My mother beat and molested me, and was also very manipulative and confusing. She had the gall to tell me I was emotionally abusive to her when I confronted her about her abusive behavior.
I'm glad you're trying to change but you need to take responsibility for your actions. Posting this thread was an important and amazing first step, because you clearly don't like the way you treat your husband, but you need to continue to take responsive for your abusive behavior. Go look yourself in the mirror and say, I am an abuser, and think about the men that abused you. Right after that you can look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself something nice like but I am trying to change or better yet, I WILL change but you need to stop abusing your husband. I believe you have the power to stop, or else I wouldn't bother replying to your thread.