D
Deleted member 19661
Most fights my husband and I get into, I end up attacking him viciously, by throwing things at him, kicking him in the face, slapping him, I have also bit him. I get into a mind set where my brain becomes fuzzy and reality turns very hazy and angry and the biggest thing I feel is fear, then feeling worthless.
I often experience suicidal thoughts. When we get into fights, he attacks how I look, he calls me ugly mostly after I hit him but it always starts out with "I don't want you any more, we're done" so then it starts spiraling in my head that I shouldn't be alive any more. I have cut myself numerous times. When his father was living here, he started to turn against me saying "You hit my son for no reason" and threatening to kill me twice which sent me in this weird crazy intense scary funk for a while, thinking everyone wanted to kill me especially him, started thinking my husband wanted to kill me for a while, too, started thinking he was seeing someone else (Which he wasn't ever, he's not a cheater)
He has been physical with me once. He threw a bag of food and it hit me in the eye, he rushed over to apologize saying he was aiming some where else, but the bag went straight at my face and it looked like he was trying to throw it at me. I do most of the physical violence, though, he has never hit me or pushed me, he usually comes up to me and tries to restrain me.
I've have panic attacks and he calls them "outbursts" which makes me angry because that's what children do- I'm not a child, I have PTSD. He doesn't believe me that I have it because I don't have papers stating I do. A counselor told me two years ago after my ex boyfriend abused me "You have components"
That was only in one session, she said she needed a lot more sitting down and learning more about how I feel to diagnose me.
A year and a half ago, I was with a guy who near the end of the relationship, started becoming controlling and different. He was on anti depressants and ADHD medication and it made him extremely irritable and on edge. He would snap his fingers at me when I wouldn't come to him, he would be short with me and yell. Eventually one day we got into a fight and he came in and started in on me, and he grabbed a knife and tried killing himself, so I hit him in the face. I was in a panic and didn't know what to do, and when I did, my plan worked. I wanted him to stop and he did but at a price. He came after me and strangled me and I stopped breathing until he took his hands off my neck. After that, I became a different person. Angrier, more irritable. I controlled it a lot better until I started starving myself, drinking a ton of caffeine every day which further pushed my starvation. Whatever I ate, went through me within 5 minutes literally. I had a massive panic attack one day after, everything went white around me, my vision was cloudy and I couldn't speak properly. It was like I was having a stroke.
After that, my life started going down hill.
I started hitting my husband and I went to jail and was put on probation. Usually we get into an argument, we're both angry and stressed out and then I get an attitude and he eventually starts calling me names like the C word and B****. He gets in my face screaming and I attack him, and he continues to and doesn't allow me to leave the room, and if I sit down to escape it, he comes in and tells me how much of a this and that I am. I Have broken his front tooth and now his tail bone is hurting, he says I kicked him and I don't even remember doing it. Half the time I can't remember doing the things I've done.
The next hour, I start crying, praying for god to help me, to stop the thoughts and to calm down. My husband has dumped me a lot but he always comes back when things cool down. He will take a week or two to avoid touching me etc. It took about two months until he made love to me. He said he's terrified of me. He told me he doesn't abuse me verbally, that he defends himself. He refuses to go to counseling and I can't afford counseling. I have been raped in the past and have been with two other men who also physically abused me. As well as being cheated on numerous times and verbally abused by everyone I've been with.
I am not here blaming my husband for the triggers when we fight. I'm here because I don't know what to do. I tried to kill myself last night by cutting my wrist pretty deeply and he left. He told me I was trying to manipulate him if he left me and I wasn't. I told him "If you leave, I don't know if I can go on" And I meant it, that's what it feels like but my intentions are NOT to make him stay. It's obvious he would not I even did that, and I know that but I do it for my own reasons, and he threatened to tell his mother and father that I was doing it. He runs to them when we fight like this. Then his father comes after me with threats and calls me names etc.
I think my husband is verbally abusive and needs help with that. I am physically and verbally abusive and I need help, but I don't act this way with anyone I know and have only acted this way (not the violence but verbal abuse) with guys who have yelled at me or called me worthless and names. I have never been violent with anyone before my husband.
Can anyone please direct me in the right path?
I often experience suicidal thoughts. When we get into fights, he attacks how I look, he calls me ugly mostly after I hit him but it always starts out with "I don't want you any more, we're done" so then it starts spiraling in my head that I shouldn't be alive any more. I have cut myself numerous times. When his father was living here, he started to turn against me saying "You hit my son for no reason" and threatening to kill me twice which sent me in this weird crazy intense scary funk for a while, thinking everyone wanted to kill me especially him, started thinking my husband wanted to kill me for a while, too, started thinking he was seeing someone else (Which he wasn't ever, he's not a cheater)
He has been physical with me once. He threw a bag of food and it hit me in the eye, he rushed over to apologize saying he was aiming some where else, but the bag went straight at my face and it looked like he was trying to throw it at me. I do most of the physical violence, though, he has never hit me or pushed me, he usually comes up to me and tries to restrain me.
I've have panic attacks and he calls them "outbursts" which makes me angry because that's what children do- I'm not a child, I have PTSD. He doesn't believe me that I have it because I don't have papers stating I do. A counselor told me two years ago after my ex boyfriend abused me "You have components"
That was only in one session, she said she needed a lot more sitting down and learning more about how I feel to diagnose me.
A year and a half ago, I was with a guy who near the end of the relationship, started becoming controlling and different. He was on anti depressants and ADHD medication and it made him extremely irritable and on edge. He would snap his fingers at me when I wouldn't come to him, he would be short with me and yell. Eventually one day we got into a fight and he came in and started in on me, and he grabbed a knife and tried killing himself, so I hit him in the face. I was in a panic and didn't know what to do, and when I did, my plan worked. I wanted him to stop and he did but at a price. He came after me and strangled me and I stopped breathing until he took his hands off my neck. After that, I became a different person. Angrier, more irritable. I controlled it a lot better until I started starving myself, drinking a ton of caffeine every day which further pushed my starvation. Whatever I ate, went through me within 5 minutes literally. I had a massive panic attack one day after, everything went white around me, my vision was cloudy and I couldn't speak properly. It was like I was having a stroke.
After that, my life started going down hill.
I started hitting my husband and I went to jail and was put on probation. Usually we get into an argument, we're both angry and stressed out and then I get an attitude and he eventually starts calling me names like the C word and B****. He gets in my face screaming and I attack him, and he continues to and doesn't allow me to leave the room, and if I sit down to escape it, he comes in and tells me how much of a this and that I am. I Have broken his front tooth and now his tail bone is hurting, he says I kicked him and I don't even remember doing it. Half the time I can't remember doing the things I've done.
The next hour, I start crying, praying for god to help me, to stop the thoughts and to calm down. My husband has dumped me a lot but he always comes back when things cool down. He will take a week or two to avoid touching me etc. It took about two months until he made love to me. He said he's terrified of me. He told me he doesn't abuse me verbally, that he defends himself. He refuses to go to counseling and I can't afford counseling. I have been raped in the past and have been with two other men who also physically abused me. As well as being cheated on numerous times and verbally abused by everyone I've been with.
I am not here blaming my husband for the triggers when we fight. I'm here because I don't know what to do. I tried to kill myself last night by cutting my wrist pretty deeply and he left. He told me I was trying to manipulate him if he left me and I wasn't. I told him "If you leave, I don't know if I can go on" And I meant it, that's what it feels like but my intentions are NOT to make him stay. It's obvious he would not I even did that, and I know that but I do it for my own reasons, and he threatened to tell his mother and father that I was doing it. He runs to them when we fight like this. Then his father comes after me with threats and calls me names etc.
I think my husband is verbally abusive and needs help with that. I am physically and verbally abusive and I need help, but I don't act this way with anyone I know and have only acted this way (not the violence but verbal abuse) with guys who have yelled at me or called me worthless and names. I have never been violent with anyone before my husband.
Can anyone please direct me in the right path?
