Undiagnosed I Feel I Might Have Been Sexually Abused As A Child... Help, Please

[Nonexistent]

First of all, hi...

I don't know if I'm going crazy or what...
I've been doing a lot of self-help work recently, reading books and getting in touch with my lost feelings...
I've found out that my mother is a narcissist, her mother, too, who lived together, so I was used and abused emotionally a lot...

And today, almost out of the blue it struck me, that I might have been sexually abused, too... I said to myself, no, I haven't, but the tears kept coming out, and I felt that I must remember something, but I said to myself, I don't want to... for now..

- I've been suffering from depression since my teens, at least...
- I feel disgust at my body, especially my genitals...
- I hate being a female... I feel objectified very strongly...
- I fear being raped...
- I feel repulsed by men sexually, but emotionally I need their approval a lot...
- I can't stand the thought of having sex to the point that I start having an anxiety attack if someone mentions it...
- I'm 27 and I have never even kissed a guy..
- I feel such shame inside, especially in everything that's related to sex...
- I have OCD, anxieties, low self-esteem, depression, all symptoms of ADHD, a bit paranoid, too...
- I feel I can't defend myself, cannot express it...
To the point that I feel guilty if I have healthy boundaries, both emotional and physical...
- Also I suffer from dissociation, as if I'm sleepwalking... Detached from feelings...


From age 8 or earlier I became interested in sex or earlier... I used to watch porn on TV at night sometimes...
Sexual thoughts and jokes were on my mind from early on... I imagined Barbie being raped by toys, that's a funny one. My friend tried dry humping me when we were kids, I didn't like it, but I didn't say anything either... I'm not sure, maybe these things are normal to kids...
But what's distressing is that arousal for me is associated with rape, especially when the victim is a young girl, I feel disgust at female body overall... Like it deserves to be humiliated and raped. It feels very uneasy, and I want to harm myself. Several times I hit myself on my thighs that are really fat and getting fatter, and I'm disgusted at them too.


Now some background...
- Since early childhood I was ill a lot... I also had a condition where my hymen was blocking the urinal passage, so my mother took me to doctors a lot of times. Sometimes they had to cut it open, I remember crying a lot and feeling violated. Last time I remember going for a check as a kid, my mother lied to me that I wouldn't need to undress, but the nurses made me take my panties off for examination, I remember I didn't want to but they finally made me do it.
- I had a hard time going to pee at school, I couldn't pee if anyone was watching. It just wouldn't come out. Sometimes it was painful to pee.
- I now have vaginismus, it's a condition where the vaginal muscles are clenched together and make penetration impossible.
- My mother used to tease me by reaching out between my legs when playing, so I would try to avoid it. It wasn't anything sexual. I now think maybe it wasn't normal?
- She would call me by specific word which in a childish way means "butt" or "pussy" for fun. I now think it was kind of humiliating...
- Mother also used to make me show her my vagina when I was little to check if we didn't need to go to doctors.


There are other things, too:
- My mother forbid me to stroke my friend's head and hold hands with him when I was a kid because she saw it as sexual and shameful.
- When I told her I was in love (as a child), her first reaction was "Eew..."
- One time when I was small I kissed her on the lips turning my head sideways playfully like I saw on the TV, and she shamed me for it... maybe it was normal...
- On tape I made a little movie and she noticed my butt too close to camera, and said it looked like from those porno movies...

I don't know what to think...
Her mother, however, was very engulfing and scrutinizing. She was obsessed that I need to find a man, I think sex was in her head many times... Her husband, my mother's father, was a sex addict, and even had sex with my mom's classmate... My mother was disgusted by his actions.

My father died when I was a kid, he was an alcoholic who spent very little time with me. His mom was a narcissist who was somewhat similar to my other grandmother, and his father wanted me to become a nun, but later probably lost that hope.

That's it for now...


I need help... I really do... Today the idea of being sexually abused drove me into such anxiety attack that I was really scared, my feet and hands were getting colder and colder, trembling a bit... Lightheaded, I'm not able to function or sleep normally. I don't know what to do and who to talk to, because I have no very close friends who I could trust....I just want a normal life...

Sorry for my grammar, it's hard to focus...


THANK YOU...

 

[runover]

I don't have anything to suggest, but i hope someone with more experience is along to give you some helpful words soon.

 

[Nonexistent]

Thank you...

 

[Echo]

@BrokenGlass - I'm so sorry for what you're going through. No wonder you are feeling overwhelmed. I was wondering if you have found yourself a therapist yet. I think you would find it very beneficial to help you start breaking down what has been going on for you. I have a nightmare for a mother, too, and it takes a lot of work, it seems, to work out what is normal and what has become your normal (which is not acceptable at all). There is a certain amount you can do on your own, by reading and the like, but in the end, a professional diagnosis would really help, if you haven't got one already.

 

[Bedbug]

Hi @BrokenGlass and welcome. I can see myself in a lot of what you wrote. I am sorry you are struggling with all of this. I am sure you will find some help and support here.

Perhaps I could suggest, as a short term strategy, that you focus on the symptoms that are distressing you the most and find ways to manage and get relief from them (lots of advice on here). Finding the cause can come later.

Panic attacks, dissociation, sleep problems, self harm, low self-esteem, etc. There are lots of threads discussing these symptoms.

Edited to add: that was a very brave first post. Well done for expressing all that so well!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that it's important to not jump to conclusions. I also think that your trauma may be sexually invasive medical procedures as a young child coupled with a narcissistic and sexually inappropriate mother.

Please seek out professional help for a diagnosis as well as trauma therapy. Welcome to the forum.

 

[radicalgratitude]

I think that you have answered your own question, in that somehow you have experienced sexual trauma in your life. As far as what exactly happened, Solara's right, it is important not to jump to any conclusions. Make sure to see a person who specializes in trauma.

 

[Barconian]

I'm 27 and I have never even kissed a guy..

It is pretty easy to see why you haven't kissed a guy yet...

As many others on here can very easily relate to your experiences @BrokenGlass, you must be feeling very alone! Growing up in a dysfunctional family is hard and when your own family teach you all the negatives of life, it doesn't leave you a lot to work with!

I have OCD, anxieties, low self-esteem, depression, all symptoms of ADHD, a bit paranoid, too...

I must admit, all those symptoms go with ADHD. They also go with PTSD, Autism, ashbergers or schizophrenia even, except after reading your brilliant list of idiosyncrasy's and the behaviour pattern of your family, I would probably go with ADHD... I have ADHD and can relate to every single thing you wrote Broken Glass!, except the vaginal muscles that contract when you get worried, within your own thoughts. You might not have PTSD now, but you are susceptible to getting it.... PTSD is fear related, and you my friend have plenty of That. From the way I am reading your words, I believe you are damn strong all the same!!!

I suggest you find a Therapist who knows a lot about ADHD, PTSD and trauma. You need good help! There is a pretty negative environment in your family history Broken Glass and I guess you have been desperately trying to break that narcissist pattern for a long time.

If you have Attention Difference Disorder, then it can make sense of your back ground, through generations. The thoughts in your past of fantasising about rape would be normal in the world in which you lived in. I don't think you have been raped, because you had too much sexual negativity in your family, including your grandfather who slept with your mothers friend, which didn't help your mothers negative thoughts.

The peeing thing in the public toilets always got me too... I still worry if someone can hear me. It sux and I keep telling myself, don;t be stupid Carl, everyone goes to the toilet and everyone makes a noise!!! I have trouble taking my own advice. My worst is I am crossed between OCD and a slob... Drives me nuts!

For some reason, BrokenGlass, you have intrigued me and not for ill intent, but for understanding... I have seen many people in your situation and very few have the drive you have. I believe the reason why you are on this site is because you are running out of steam and are desperately trying to rebuild your strength to push on, by finding at least some answer to how you are going to tackle the next 60 years of your life and find that happiness! That is only what I think, no-one else! And please tell me everything I get wrong.

I can see you have a really really good heart and an amazing mind in my way of thinking! Considering, I am not mainstream and I am not a geek. I sit in between and I have always been different! Being different is a scary way to be, because it takes a lot of energy to gain the respect that makes you feel wanted! Can anyone relate to that?

I have cycles of being up and being down... When I am up, I be as productive as I can to get that feel good!!! When I am down, I hibernate until my energy has regained it's strength. Down is our negative thoughts and up are our positive/realistic thoughts. There is no drug in the world that can give you that natural high in life.

I am sorry your life has been like this BrokenGlass, you have no reason to feel guilt, but I reckon, fight with all your heart girl' and I hope there are some answers on this forum that can help you! I know there is a lot of good advice on here :)

 

[Nonexistent]

Thank you very much for being so sincere... Honestly, I don't even want a "healer", I just want a Human, who could understand and share...

I feel that talking with honesty here has more healing effect on me than going to somebody who AGAIN would tell me how f*in wrong and disordered I am, that it is me who has to adapt, take a chill pill and continue through meaningless life... Cuz there's no "me" in that "meaning" of life, there's nothing "real" in that "reality".

It's so relieving to read your own experiences. No one has shared anything real with me ever, only told me to "suck it up, because your problems are so little compared to ours, and you have to be lucky to have what you got".

Yesterday's realization that I wrote... Today I see it in a new light... Maybe it was the overall feeling that "something really horrifying had happened to me...at some point"... I mean to the REAL me, to my identity, because since some moment, I completely dissociated and started living in this kind of haze of depression, loneliness and overwhelming anxiety... I always feel that I will disappoint people... Even now as I'm typing, I feel that you guys will soon get tired of me and ignore me... As a child I often used to have nightmares where I scream and no sound comes out, and no one can hear me yelling for help...


Also, today I kind of thought that everything that I ever feared of, had already happened to me...
I feared of losing my mother... but I never really had a protecting mother...
I feared of going blind... But I had already lost my sight of the reality...
I feared of losing my limbs... But it is as if I'm already disabled and unable to move through life...
I have a phobia of elevators and feel claustrophobic... Because I feel that I'm suffocating inside, I'm trapped already...
In a way, I've been molested, at least psychologically...
My dreams of a destroyed post-apocalyptic home town have been true all along, because my inner world has been destroyed...
They broke me.
I want to rebuild myself again and live as me, not this pathetic surrogate ...


Sorry for rambling... I just need to share how I feel. And thank you for listening and sharing with me...
Your insights are very valuable to me. (Are there too many words like "me, myself and I" here? I feel narcissistic myself...)


And you're right... These medical procedures... They were very traumatic, I can't even reconnect to that yet, I see myself from someone else's perspective... My mother failed to protect me after my birth (they took me away for three days, then I was infected and almost died)... All she could ever do just observe but never say anything in my favor really...

 

[Echo]

Hi @BrokenGlass - it is absolutely fine to say it like it is. No-one is going to judge you for that here. And you won't get ignored. We are all in similar boats and take turns supporting each other. We've all been through awful things and, like you, we are all survivors. Time to give yourself some credit for making it this far. And keep on talking and sharing. I know it has helped me so much and I haven't been here that long.

 

[Nonexistent]

Yeah, I never understood that survivor thing... I just feel dead inside. I'm not sure if I survived anything, or is it just what's left of me and the joy of life...

Does anyone here have the thing with feeling very dissociated?

Thanks for the trophy, too...

@Echo , how do you deal with your mother?
I'm very confused right now about how to relate to mine because suddenly I don't have a wish to even talk to her, I dunno what to think and what to feel, don't want to pretend, either...

EDIT: so wait, that means I have a sexual trauma PTSD... (Even hugging or touching is uncomfortable...) At least I can put a name on it and not feel like a freak... (I've had another unrelated PTSD too for 2 years.)

 

[Barconian]

I feel that talking with honesty here has more healing effect on me than going to somebody who AGAIN would tell me how f*in wrong and disordered I am, that it is me who has to adapt, take a chill pill and continue through meaningless life... Cuz there's no "me" in that "meaning" of life, there's nothing "real" in that "reality".

You may not need to be told of your past, by some twit with a piece of paper or want pills and potions to relax your mind to be able to cope with the massive change you are trying to complete... But you do need a strategy and encouragement from someone to help you leave that past reality, which is not reality in what you desire and find the reality of who you desire to be.

I mean to the REAL me, to my identity, because since some moment, I completely dissociated and started living in this kind of haze of depression, loneliness and overwhelming anxiety..

For a lot of my younger life, I would live in daydreams of my perception of what I believed was a better world for my reality, because my upbringing was a living hell. I also went through psychosis where reality was warped by my own fears to the point where I had my own daughter teach me the boundaries of rational and e-rational thoughts, by telling me every time I became e-rational. I couldn't tell within myself when my thoughts were real or distorted, because as you can relate @BrokenGlass to feel so distressed that your own mind creates this delusional idea of what is real but really isn't, I had to learn where the boundary between sanity and insanity was!

They broke me.

That is where all your fears are stemming from. "Without help" how the hell are you going to remove all that negative input that was pushed in your mind (learnt behaviour). Where? Most people in this world have no concept of how the human mind works or why it works the way it does. Even many professionals have knowledge from what they have been taught, but have no experience within themselves to understand, but they are a better deal than being rejected by those who don't have a clue!

Now I'm the one doing the rambling :(

Yes I understand that I am a male and you probably don't like men very much! I also know that you understand every word of what I am saying. You also talk in riddles! Talking in riddles helps you get out what you want to say without being too direct. I do it all the time. Because maybe as you can see, my directness is aggressive or intimidating to some listeners or readers, which gets me into trouble with people a lot.

Mindfulness is one of the keys of what you are searching for. Having the ability to only think in the now, not the past, nor the future, not a hundreds thoughts at once, just a couple would be good, especially with ADHD in my case! In about 5 weeks, I am heading out into the wild west of Australia for sometime to go back to realism of nature and practice mindfulness. I know it is a wonderful feeling not to think so much.

I better get off this computer, stop waffling and go help my son fix his trail bike before he drives me insane :D