Attachment And Touch

[Bedbug]

I have this compelling urge to FLEE my current life, and curl up in a blanket in some remote place until I can heal.

Me too. I already live in a very remote place, but I still feel that urge to flee.

I have been following this thread and Pencil's with great interest as you are both finding ways to articulate something I am really struggling with too.

I was given all the nurturing and touch a child needs but, after that year of sexual abuse by another family member I couldn't accept it anymore, although I craved it and continue to do so. Child psychologists wondered if I was schizoid or autistic. I want to attach, I want to be held, but I can't bear it at the same time. Like Pencil said, the desire to be held is:

mixed with fear, shame, longing.

That abused child, who was touched and held and "loved" in all the wrong ways, but never said a word, screams now. She screams with fear and shame and longing. As do I.

I don't know what to do about it. It is more complicated than self-soothing, or self-parenting. I don't know if another person can give me what I need. I don’t know if I can accept it.

I will watch this thread with great interest. Thank you, both, for being so honest.

 

[Hope4Now]

@Bedbug thank you too for your honesty. I'm not sure whether I can accept what I long for either, if I could find someone to offer it. It is a hard place to be.

She screams with fear and shame and longing. As do I.

Yes, me too.

 

[Pencil]

I hope this thread has interesting posts when I get back.

Yip! It did/does :)

Just one raw aching vortex of constant need.

Yes, and it is almost always there, unless I'm totally absorbed by something. I used to teach, and while teaching, one is very focused, very present, and that dreadful, constant rawness disappeared. I think not working full time is making life more difficult for me, although on the other hand I know it is due to the child acting up for attention after nearly half a century. And this is why I sometimes get angry with the therapist who is so rigid about this.

Something in me knows that I must find a way to connect and be physically close to at least one person on the level we've been talking about.

Yes, 'KNOWS' - not thinks or wants or demands - this is not a 'wish' in psychoanalytic terms, i.e. an impulse that needs to be frustrated. Frustrate me here and it like rubbing salt into old, raw wounds. OMG that sounds over the top, but I really was there in January 2013. (And which explains why I didn't want to go on with therapy.)

and curl up in a blanket in some remote place until I can heal

I know that feeling SO well. One of my (parts/ whatever) is a child who does not speak. I often find that when I need to flee, it is she who wants to be very still.

Suddenly quotes don't paste. Let me start a new post.

Me too. I already live in a very remote place, but I still feel that urge to flee.

I don't know what to do about it. It is more complicated than self-soothing, or self-parenting. I don't know if another person can give me what I need. I don’t know if I can accept it.

It is more complicated than self-soothing, or self-parenting. I don't know if another person can give me what I need. I don’t know if I can accept it.

 

[Pencil]

I hope this thread has interesting posts when I get back.

Yip! It did/does :)

Just one raw aching vortex of constant need.

Yes, and it is almost always there, unless I'm totally absorbed by something. I used to teach, and while teaching, one is very focused, very present, and that dreadful, constant rawness disappeared. I think not working full time is making life more difficult for me, although on the other hand I know it is due to the child acting up for attention after nearly half a century. And this is why I sometimes get angry with the therapist who is so rigid about this.

Something in me knows that I must find a way to connect and be physically close to at least one person on the level we've been talking about.

Yes, 'KNOWS' - not thinks or wants or demands - this is not a 'wish' in psychoanalytic terms, i.e. an impulse that needs to be frustrated. Frustrate me here and it like rubbing salt into old, raw wounds. OMG that sounds over the top, but I really was there in January 2013. (And which explains why I didn't want to go on with therapy.)

and curl up in a blanket in some remote place until I can heal

I know that feeling SO well. One of my (parts/ whatever) is a child who does not speak. I often find that when I need to flee, it is she who wants to be very still.

Me too. I already live in a very remote place, but I still feel that urge to flee.

Yes!

I don't know what to do about it. It is more complicated than self-soothing, or self-parenting. I don't know if another person can give me what I need. I don’t know if I can accept it.

My feelings exactly.

 

[Hope4Now]

I know that feeling SO well. One of my (parts/ whatever) is a child who does not speak. I often find that when I need to flee, it is she who wants to be very still.

This is really interesting. I think I have a child part like this. She can't speak. Easily overwhelmed. VERY active today. I left my doc's office (was supposed to get blood tests but it didn't happen for complicated reasons). Started to cry on my way to the car (very weird for me). Am not able to walk right now without crutches and this has triggered something awful in me. In the car I was having a lot of trouble "staying" in my body. Practicing grounding techniques like crazy but sort of in a dual consciousness trancelike state. Trying to get myself to work. Got lost. Ended up driving on the highway in the opposite direction of work. Freaking out. Why was I doing this? Thinking there is something very very wrong with me. Pulled it together by starting to name out loud everything I was seeing, and then I sort of came back. I think that non-verbal part of me is the one that is making it so I can't walk, and was somehow subconsciouly urging me to flee away from all the things I have to do.

Other parts of me generally push her out of the way--as in when I am completely immersed/focused on something (I was a ft high school classroom teacher for about 15 years. Now teach teachers. Something about being "on" especially with an audience can quiet down other parts, but they come crashing back in the moment I let down my guard. I'm immersed now. Made it to work and managed to do the orientation with our new admin person.

 

[Hope4Now]

@Pencil are you in a safe place now? I know you had a major issue yesterday. I have been thinking of you.

 

[Hope4Now]

@Pencil have you tried weighted blankets for holding? Several people have suggested this to me. They are very expensive. I suspect they will not work because I need that sort of physiological/emotional attunement from a real and safe and loving person. But I just wondered.

 

[Pencil]

safe place now?

For tonight, yes.

weighted blankets

No, this is not what I need. Some will think be being difficult, I know. But I can handle this only by either ignoring it completely, or going for it completely. Something in me (somebody, rather) is refusing the band-aid route. There are times that I need to curl up under a blanket for a long time - and I don't ignore or resist the clear needs / requests. But I don't want to manage this artificially.

 

[Pencil]

but they come crashing back in the moment I let down my guard

I KNOW :D

Am not able to walk right now without crutches

Would you like to say more?

 

[Hope4Now]

Would you like to say more?

I don't know what happened. I have had trouble walking because of pain for almost two years now. I have been pushing through it to stay functional, but I cannot do a lot of basic life things, or I do them in pain and with difficulty (e.g. stairs, walking, etc.). I used to be very athletic and flexible. Lots of physical stuff beyond the pain has been percolating in the past few months along with all kinds of inexplicable bits of memories and emotional upheaval. This led to getting diagnosed with ptsd with a chronic pain component, but my doctor seems to want to continue to pursue other avenues of investigation as well. I'm fairly certain the pain is coming from repressed memories--that it is in itself a sort of bodily flashback. I sort of feel like I'm waiting for the big storm (a bit like what @Bedbug talks about having happened to her in her new thread).

Yesterday I had a very wonderful but difficult session with my therapist. I talked about some of this on the "How are you feeling today" thread. Had a very brief "introduction" to the part of myself that tortures me in so many ways. The "energies" in my body and emotion were very powerful and scary. Big Big Big. But I felt safe with him and left the session feeling quite empowered as well as pleased that I had been able to "manage" this part of myself a bit. Then, last night when I was about to go down to eat dinner with my family (my wonderful husband is a gourmet cook as well as the million other things he is good at), I could not walk. The pain in my back and hips and legs was profound (usually hovers between 3-6 on a pain scale...was more like 9 or 10). My leg buckled and I almost fell, but I have decent upper body strength still. Completely freaked out my husband and kids at least to see by the looks on their faces. Luckily we have a pair of crutches from an old injury my son had. They dug those out for me and I used them. Can manage on those.

But, here's the really perverse thing. I am probably totally overthinking this and now am being self-involved enough to share it. Sigh. I left the crutches in my car when I got to work today because I couldn't make myself use them. I think the torturing part of me that I met yesterday is screaming that I should be ashamed to be seen limping, ashamed to be seen using crutches, embarrassed by the questions, I should be fine, I just need to soldier on, I'm imagining all this, making it up. Worthless, undeserving of sympathy, compassion, or attention. I think the very young part of myself that doesn't speak is making all this happen and making it worse and worse until I can get the help I need. I am getting ready to leave now to go to a school meeting with my husband and son. It will be interesting to see how well I make it to the parking lot. I have been debating about calling my therapist, but not really sure he can do anything...but perhaps my waffling on this is also related to my two parts that are currently battling each other.

So, @Pencil, this is a fine example of my exquisite ability to understand myself and what I need in my cognitive mind, but to have things happening to me anyway over which I have no control, and to have no recourse to the kind of help I want?

 

[Hope4Now]

@Pencil I am curious to hear more from you (and others too) regarding how your inner child/children insist on your attention and what that looks like in your life.

I am about to leave for this meeting and then I have another (family meeting with a different person...my son is in a semi-crisis right now), and then to get my daughter from her play rehearsal. If I don't collapse during this process, I'll check back later in the evening (well, it will be evening where I live at least).

 

[BloomInWinter]

Once I was able to stop hating the child I was, and accept that I *am* still that child, I was able to begin accepting that she deserved healing just as much as I do. I don't have to be yet another abuser in her life anymore.

I repeated this mantra many times a day the first year of my therapy.

"I refuse to blame, shame, or hate on myself. I deserve compassion and I will give it to myself."