Darkness

[WendyA]

I haven't posted here in a while. I have been isolating even deeper than before. I am slowly removing all connection to this life, even though most of that seems involuntary.

Things are so dark. I can't find my way out. I don't even know how to begin. My brain hurts, it literally is burning. Just when I think I'm at the bottom, I fall even farther. Now I am starting to forget who I was before all this and questioning my entire existence. I'm afraid. I'm alone. I just want it to end.

I didn't sleep more than really a couple hours last night due to the nightmares. I have been having such bad flashbacks lately. I am suicidal and self harming. I find other coping mechanisms are not helping right now. I can't even remember to do them when I'm in it, I'm in pure survival mode, second to second.

 

[Changing4Best]

Things are so dark. I can't find my way out. I don't even know how to begin. My brain hurts, it literally is burning. Just when I think I'm at the bottom, I fall even farther. Now I am starting to forget who I was before all this and questioning my entire existence. I'm afraid. I'm alone. I just want it to end.

I didn't sleep more than really a couple hours last night due to the nightmares. ....

Oh Wendy, I so feel for you. Do you pray? WHen it gets tough for me, I pray and that helps. Otherwise the burdens are too great to bear.

 

[WendyA]

I'm sorry @SheilaKathy I don't pray. I would imagine that really helps people during things like this. I don't have that.

 

[franciemarnie]

I have felt like that. Everything dark. Of course you want it all to end, but I promise the light will come some day. Hold on. It may be moment to moment now but hold on. If you can think of anything at all that has given you comfort in life - maybe even when you were little - do it. Anything that will make you feel better.

It may be a crossroads where your system is changing course, and when that happens it can feel apocalyptic because you are truly losing the world you lived in. Until the new one emerges, it seems like The End.

It could be trauma energy trying to get out.

Hopefully you have a T that can help.

Hugs if okay.

 

[Changing4Best]

I'm sorry @SheilaKathy I don't pray. I would imagine that really helps people....

God listens to anyone, if they want to pray to Him, He loves everyone. Try it, it can't hurt!

 

[Jane.l]

I think about you and how you are doing often . I am in a dark place too right now - really struggling - what would you say to help me ? Can we help each other here ?

 

[Marf]

Wendy, I am sorry you are feeling so low. I hope you have someone that you can talk to that you trust. When I got really low I had to start medications because I could not pull out of it on my own the last time.

 

[cherryblossom]

Perhaps try a help line, when you are feeling desperate and alone. I'm not in the US, so I'm not able to suggest one.

Also if you do have any friends or family, it would be worth trying to talk to them. You need some real life support. More support than the forum can offer you. I have been where you are now, and it's horrible. My heart goes out to you. I would urge you to seek support in real life, even if that means going to the ER.

If there are any times that you do feel more capable, try to come up with a plan. Who you can call when you feel desperate. Find the number for crisis lines. Just try to come up with a survival plan, and then stick with it.

Write down your coping mechanisms and keep them somewhere prominent. Then you have something to refer to. Okay, I know that you might not think about reading it at the time you need it. But there's also a chance that you will. So if it's there it might just help.