Relationship What Is And What Is Not Appropriate To Say To Someone Who Self Harms?

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As the thread title says, I am curious what is and is not appropriate to say to someone who self harms (specifically cutting, not that, I suppose, the actual method is too important to this question).

I have always tried to be as understanding as possible and not judge - I orginally told my ex to please just call me if she feels the urge to do this, and I will try to take her mind of it. This was when she first told me about it, and initially she seemed happy with this and said she would try.

She didn't actually ever do this however, and while she said she would still try it was just sometimes very hard and the urge was stronger than the desire to call me about it or get distracted from it.


More recently, while going through a somewhat worse patch when we were arguing more and she was just not in as happy a place herself (which was, perhaps, in retrospect an ill-advised time to address it) I said the following sentence (or something very similar):

"Please if you feel like you need to this, just try and go talk to [friend she lives with who also knows about it] or call me, and just try to distract yourself - if not for yourself then for me, because it really hurts me also to know that are doing this to yourself."


I said this with the best of intentions, thinking it was just a nice and supportive thing to say, but she reacted with outrage, saying I shouldn't put that on her, it was really unfair, don't I think she already knows it's hurting me, she doesn't need that extra stress at the moment, etc.

I was a little taken aback because, again, I said this with the best of intentions, but I guess I am realising that the urge to self harm is just a complex and sensitive issue and I probably don't really know how to address it from my own untraumatized and, admittedly, relatively sheltered perspective.

Any input would be appreciated.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

I used to cut before I picked up the cancer sticks. All I can really tell you is the reason people do it is for the emotional release--not knowing how to handle or process the negative emotion. In my case I also wanted the scars to assist my memory of what it was like then in case I ever "forgot"- I wanted the physical reminder. (I was really a mess then at 15- just prior to running away ) Not much help there probably.

 

[Shan-Nav01]

My mum used to say a very similar thing when she found out I pulled out my hair (trichotillomania, rather than self harm but very similar), but if anything it made it worse, and I've never been able to work out quite why. The idea of talking to someone about it would make me want to do it more, rather than less. What did help for me was using a tangle, it would keep my hands distracted while I could distract my mind, as half the time I would start doing it without completely realising, also what can help sometimes is something like an elastic band around the wrist, and whenever they feel the urge to cut they ping the band... It mainly depends on the reasons behind the self harm, and if it's a 'comfort habit' or because they need to feel the pain, the elastic band can hurt quite a lot but without leaving any cuts or scars or anything, so can be a good step to take.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Actually there are a lot of different reasons a person might cut. I cut because of a number of reason. A few I experience are

1. I can't handle the feelings I'm currently experiencing (usually guilt and self-hate) and I feel a need to take it out on myself in a physical way.
2. I need to stop dissociating and ground to prevent flashbacks.
3. I need to numb out and dissociate
4 Relief - the noise in my head stopped, I no longer felt trapped and cornered.
5. My mind is so scarred because problems aren't visible I was treated as if they weren't real and when I cried out for help to the local mental health unit, the hospital and the crisis team none of them treated me as if I was struggling, for me this was a way of getting a fraction of what was in my head out and proving it was real.

To be honest though, it could be so many different reasons for her and no one can really know. For me it's one thing if someone is there but I can't make myself phone someone who I feel will judge me and won't really understand or will pity me (even if you won't), if anything for me that makes me feel worse because I will be a burden to them and I hate that. In my own experience both as a reaction towards me as a self-harmer and my reaction to someone else who self-harms, getting angry will make things worse, telling them to try not to self-harm will make things worse, asking them not to for you does too.

Think of self-harm like a serious drug or alcohol problem - they will have to want to give it up for themselves and to work for it because it will be difficult to do (especially if they are addicted). For me I only self-harm when I can't cope, I'm lucky not to be addicted to it. In the mean time I know it will be hard but if she tells you she's hurt herself just tell her ok and give her a hug (if she's a hugger) or some kind words like I'm here for you if you want to talk. By not telling her not to stop and being supportive she's more likely to feel genuinely supported and therefore less pressure/stress to do or not do something. In turn this lowering of stress will help her not feel the need to harm herself so much and that she has the strength to stop it for herself.

A lot of the time self-harm is because you can't cope and/or because of self hatred. Learning to love and respect herself is something that she will need to do and that is very difficult.

Shan-Nav01 is right is saying alternative methods like ice-cubes and elastic bands can be less permanent (which may or may not be something she wants) however I have heard that elastic bands when used a lot can cause scarring though I suppose it depends on the degree to which you use it.

Thanks for taking the time to try and learn more to support and understand her.

 

[Jane.l]

I don't think what you said was wrong and her reaction may have come out the way it did because she is feeling ashamed of cutting and guilty that it's causing you pain.

I agree that I wouldn't want to talk to
Someone if I have an urge to cut - except perhaps my t because it's very complex and very difficult for anyone who doesn't do it to understand .

At least she is telling you about it I have never let a partner know I do it .

 

[Jane.l]

Totally agree with kas can fly - best thing you can do is to stop telling her not to do it and be there to tell her its ok when she needs you.

 

[digger]

This might be a useful site to look at if you want to support her http://www.selfinjurysupport.org.uk/ it has advice for both people who self harm and their 'supporters'.

Personally, calling someone when I have the urge to harm is not something I've ever been able to do. I don't want any attention for it, even for thoughts about it.

I understand why you said what you did, but being told I'm hurting someone else by doing it would really screw with my head and probably backfire.

 

[Barconian]

I said this with the best of intentions, thinking it was just a nice and supportive thing to say, but she reacted with outrage, saying I shouldn't put that on her, it was really unfair, don't I think she already knows it's hurting me, she doesn't need that extra stress at the moment, etc.

If she is serious... Why is she telling people?

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Why is she telling people?

Are you serious?! Maybe because she wants the support to stop or because it's better to be able to be honest and open with people she cares about or perhaps he knew from when they were in a relationship. Not all self-harmers cover up and hide it from the world and they certainly shouldn't have to. How would you feel if people told you not to mention your PTSD, to keep it kept hidden because they don't need the stress of that in your life and obviously if you tell them you're only doing it to create that?!!! You're just creating stigma and that doesn't help anyone.

 

[Barconian]

Are you serious?

Calm down! it was a question, not a statement

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

So is: Why haven't you got over that yet, it was years ago, why can't you just let it go?

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Sorry if it seemed very angry, it was only a little, plus I'm having a bad day, it's not your fault.