Relationship Why Do Sufferers Push Their Partners Away?

[Rie]

A comparison I've made before is to an acquaintance I have with MS.... because her illness is physical, people accept that sometimes her condition gets the better of her, and she simply cannot continue with normal life activities.

I really like your comparison here. It makes complete sense when you describe it this way. I have to keep reminding myself that my husband has an illness. Thanks to all the sufferers on this thread who have helped me understand what is going on when my husband pulls away.

 

[StarChild]

Hy @Rie, may I ask, what you wanted to say / express, by quoting a part of @Meadowsweet's post, without any comment? What is it, what you wanted to say about it?..

 

[Rie]

Sorry, my contribution was the bottom two lines which appear in italics too. I kept trying to edit it, but couldn't get rid of those italics. @Meadowsweet's post is in the little box.

 

[StarChild]

@Rie, ah, now I see. May I offer you a little bit of help? After quoting a part of a post, make sure that your cursor lies outside the quote marks. Then press "enter" one time. So that your answer lies under the quote. If you want to test or try it a bit, there's a testing forum for try and error. I hope my (complicated) explanation helped a bit.:)

Here's a Link to a video tutorial about quoting:
Link Removed

And here's the link to the testing forum:
Link Removed

 

[blue_eyes18]

Yeah my issues have been going on for quite a while now. Years. And you're right, meadowsweet - it is unfair to expect her to act in a way she's unable to. I realize it's not a choice on her end. I just wish my brain could tell my heart that.

I have two options: learn to live with the reality or realize it's not going to change and move on.

Thing is, I've tried to learn to deal with it. But it never seems to get easier. I'm lonely. I miss having a partner. I feel like I'm single. And that's not what I envision when I envision a long-term, committed relationship. I need an equal partnership. I think I just keep hoping it will change, but you're right, it clearly isn't. I need to be realistic. If I can't deal with it, I need to get out - for both our our sake.

I guess I'm just not cut out for this? I wanted so badly to be. But I'm just sad and lonely. I have been unable to remove myself from the situation emotionally. It's hard to realize you can't count on your partner to hold up their end of the deal in the relationship. Whether or not it be intentional.

You made a good point when you said I treat her like how I want to be treated. Truth be told, I just try to treat people well when I am in a relationship with them, in general. But yes, it makes sense that I'm trying to over compensate and treat her the way I wish I could be treated back. Never thought of it that way. So does that mean I stop treating her well? Lol. Or just start focusing on myself?

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to emotionally check out. I just need to take care of me, though.

 

[Meadowsweet]

My bf would say that to me. It isn't you, he would try to make me understand but at that point I wasn't thinking he meant it was the ptsd. I didn't know anything about what ptsd then.

I think that's just one of those things to learn from. It's a difficult thing to explain, and people with PTSD aren't known for their articulation of feelings, so he perhaps shouldn't expect you to 'get it' straight away. But perhaps if he can keep trying to tell you what's going on, and you keep trying to get what he's on about, with time and patience it might work.

There are people with partners with PTSD here who have continued in their relationships and are able to live their own lives when their spouse checks out for a bit. From what I read that seems to be the trick. When I read in the sufferers section, it seems that there are also couples who have been together long term, for whom PTSD is not a relationship issue. Naturally, this part of the forum is going to attract those who are having problems and need support. But that can give a rather cock-eyed view.

I have to love him for who he is. Not even who he was, even though I am missing that person who gave me all that love I have to love this person at this moment and not be mad or resentful

I disagree. You don't have to feel any such way. You can't force yourself to feel how you think you 'ought' to. Your feelings are your feelings and they need to be accepted and worked with in order to understand what your own needs are. But that's not to say that your partner is responsible for fulfilling those needs, or the only way that they can be fulfilled.

It's hard to realize you can't count on your partner to hold up their end of the deal in the relationship.

I just try to treat people well

So does that mean I stop treating her well?

Blue-eyes, I'm sorry that you are hurting and angry, and I understand that this is a healthy place to let it out and don't wish to stop you doing so.

However, what one persons views as being 'treated well' another will dislike. Those views are often very different between people. You say that she's not fulfilling the deal (that you both agreed to?). But what are your actual expectations of her? What does this deal involve her having to do?

 

[Gryffy]

Emotional neglect is a very real and extremely damaging thing. I'm just a little unclear of whether @blue_eyes18 's girlfriend is going through occasional isolation episodes or if it's a more constant thing. The impression I got, which could be wrong and if so I apologize, is that his girlfriend isn't willing to put forth the effort to listen to his feelings and work with him through this, instead willingly doing all the "taking" and none of the "giving."

I understand that communication and/or affection can be difficult for someone with PTSD. But when something's difficult, that means that when you try, you fail more often. It doesn't mean you don't try.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Emotional neglect of children is a real and very damaging thing and children have the right to expect adults to support them emotionally and to show them how to support themselves in later life. In adulthood we become self responsible and have a duty of care to ourselves emotionally.

That's not to say that an adult shouldn't seek emotional support off other people. But it isn't healthy to place the responsibility for ones emotional well being on other people.

 

[Tinyflame]

I feel as though over time, I'm slowly being chipped away. I started off completely whole and full of self confidence and self esteem. After time has passed, it's slowly eroding. A part of me is disappearing. And it's so hard because I feel like I'm trying so hard to stand by her as she learns to build herself up from the ground, while I'm merely being torn from the top down. Eventually, she will be a whole person and I will be nothing. I fear I will have been yanked down ton the pits of depression when I have never been a depressed person in my life.

I never can tell if it's me who's making her miserable or if it's her PTSD. I'm starved for affection and approval and I don't even think she recognizes she's not giving it.

I'm so exhausted from everything. I don't know if I can keep on anymore with it all. I've been thinking of splitting up..

@blue_eyes18 this is an awful fear of mine (as a sufferer). :( For your sake and hers I would want someone to find someone else.

I'm sorry. :(

 

[Gryffy]

Emotional neglect of children is a real and very damaging thing and children have the right to expect adults to support them emotionally and to show them how to support themselves in later life. In adulthood we become self responsible and have a duty of care to ourselves emotionally.

That's not to say that an adult shouldn't seek emotional support off other people. But it isn't healthy to place the responsibility for ones emotional well being on other people.

@Meadowsweet eh, I kind of disagree. Not about the responsibility of taking care of ourselves, but you're making it seem like adults can't be victims of emotional neglect. That's simply not true. Humans need love regardless of our age, and with regard to romantic love in particular, that's not the kind of love that you can give yourself, but is no less important (even crucial) to our emotional health.

So you seek out partners who can provide that for you, and you in return for them. There is a certain amount of responsibility involved in a committed romantic relationship, which is perhaps why the word "commitment" can scare people off. But when two people enter that kind of agreement they trust each other to provide emotional support. If one person struggles with that they either need to work through it or maybe they shouldn't be in a relationship. There is no free pass just because someone has PTSD. If the supporter realizes that this person cannot or will not meet their needs, then of course they should break up and look elsewhere (often easier said than done). However, that does not mean that that person's trust was not broken, or that they weren't hurt in ways that could have lasting consequences. That does not mean they were not emotionally neglected by someone they trusted.

I'm trying to figure out how to link an article but it keeps saying my post count isn't high enough. It's a blog article from psychologytoday called "What is Emotional Neglect"

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm not sure, perhaps a poor candidate to respond as I realize I have my own emotional baggage and fears. But as a sufferer, and also a sister to my own sister whom I don't know if she has ptsd or not (it is possible) I feel I can only give love without expectation, and within my own limitations (and hers as to what she can accept). One could say I have to because she is related, but no, I had to sever ties many many years ago with 2 other sisters because it was too damaging.

I realize that romantic relationships are a different issue, though I think of commitment and love as 2 different factors; one can easily have either one without the other (eg commitment and provision in a loveless union; love but no fidelity or such etc, though I realize that's a broad example) . But as a sufferer, no matter what the relationship, it's terribly depressing to see disappointment in the eyes of the other person, when you can't 'do better'. I suspect if one is a 'walking train wreck' it is best to not be in a relationship, though it's hard to not feel (always) like a walking train wreck for me! It sort of adds to the cycle of depression and discouragement to feel that one is not entitled or capable of that as well, and are causing 'harm' or 'damage' to another As a consequence relationships (all) suffer, perhaps self-fulfillingly? We can't know if we don't try but we can't try for fear of the worst.

Not sure if that's helpful. :(

 

[Meadowsweet]

We will have to agree to disagree on this one Gryffy.

The idea that romantic relationships are crucial to our emotional health is alarming. The idea that to not fulfill the expectations of the other in romantic relationships can be likened to a form of abuse, lends itself to controlling behavior. And I see that as unhealthy.

People need the freedom to leave and the freedom to be themselves without being told that there is a risk to their emotional health, that they can't manage without being in a romantic relationship or that being single is in any way dysfunctional.