Dependant On My Boyfriend.

[Liana]

I'm not quite sure what to do, I know for a fact I am getting overly dependant on my boyfriend. We've been together for 6 months, and for the first month it was touch and go. He didn't know anything about me and I was in a state of 'should I be with him?'/'I want to spend the rest of my life with this guy'. I know, dramatic, but that's how I was.

Now, it's the latter and instead of just being in love with the idea of having a boyfriend, I do honestly want to be with him. That being said, I am getting overly dependant on him. I've told him that I know I'm being clingy and overly attached etc, and he says that it's fine and that he doesn't mind it because he knows he is the same way. But it's getting to the point where I now can only go outside if I am either with him, or am going out to meet him somewhere after he has finished at college. I am pretty much housebound all day everyday - my mum works, she leaves before I get up (at 6ish) and doesn't come home until about 5 or 6pm. So for the whole day I have hardly any human contact (face-to-face). Me and my boyfriend text all day and on days like to day, I go and meet him after college. But it got me thinking, I can pretty much only leave the house when I am with him or going to meet him. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not. If I didn't have him with me, I'd never go outside or talk to people.

I feel safe when I am with him, which completely absurd considering the cause of my anxiety/PTSD symptoms was an ex-boyfriend who was abusive. So I'm at a loss, I don't understand why I feel safe with him and I have no idea if its a good thing that I can go outside with him (it's obviously a bad thing not being able to go out without him, but it's a step in the right direction maybe?) and yeah. Not being able to go out confidently stopped me from going to my therapist's appointment this morning and now I'm terrified she'll ring and ask why.

So yeah, am I too overly dependant on him? If so, I don't know how not to be. I've been this was for the last 3 or 4 months, and like I said, he said it's fine and he's glad that I can go out, even if it is only with him, at least I am going out a little.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

Sorry to hear about your struggles. I tend to gravitate naturally to feeling safe isolated as well, In the past I really would push myself to get out, and I have seen it backfire which reinforces the feeling I need to respect the process. I am working with a terrific therapist however and she understands and supports my decisions. In my reality and outside world I want to feel safe so I can explore my own inner battles and it seems to be a fruitful combination as far as making progress.

Actually my relationships with my coworkers has only improved in this time. But I do see myself as somewhat reliant on the stability of my current relationship (which is not always stable due to his struggles with alcohol- but he also is making tremendous progress- thank God, because prior to him getting back to sobriety my needs went largely unmet and this aggravated my PTSD greatly till I could no longer ignore the need to address some of it.)

Personally I think as long as you are with a good therapist who supports your decisions there is a place for it. I understand not wanting to be dependent on him.. but as long as it doesn't become a vacation away from reality and personal progress the only way it could backfire is if you invest to much and he walks. Its always a possibility with love.. that's why it is important to nurture other relationships.

Sorry not a lot for wisdom to share.. but hang in there and I eagerly await to see the responses as well . :)

I suggest just baby steps and make yourself go out.. to the store, work, if you have to go when they are slow. You know that is a problem.. so having seen it, change it. So if you fail one day.. make it the next days goal and celebrate your small successes, even if it is just with us.

I actually because of the rocky nature of the relationship came to see when we would break up.. I lose it, I am so afraid to be alone seeing him as a protector due to multiple rape issues. I have to face this fear even though we are together now.. working that out with therapist. Is your fear something like that?

 

[Liana]

Thank you for your reply. My therapist is horrible. I hate her with a vengeance, which might be a bit strong, but she's ignored any of my attempts to progress and instead calls me a teenager and that I am fine. I asked to switch therapists and she referred me to a psychiatrist for an assessment for depression - assuming I was depressed and wanted to change therapists. -_-

Yes, my biggest fear right now is loosing my boyfriend. I have, at times, broken down in tears just at the thought of it. So maybe I need to get that sorted, just in case. But being honest, I don't think we will break up any time soon - though now I have said that, I've probably jinxed it. :o

 

[Justmehere]

Maybe your boyfriend can go with you to connect with other social supports - like meet ups or hobbies or something, and make new friends. You can still date him and spread out the need for support.

 

[Viosinger]

Yes, my biggest fear right now is loosing my boyfriend. I have, at times, broken down in tears just at the thought of it. So maybe I need to get that sorted, just in case. But being honest, I don't think we will break up any time soon - though now I have said that, I've probably jinxed it. :eek:

I just went through a conversation about this with my boyfriend. I feel dependent in many ways. I often jump right to "he's leaving me!" when he's just tired or irritated. He asked me to try & stop jumping right to that, because it doesn't even cross his mind. And in an odd way, while it sounds callous from him, it was touching & a good small goal for me to work on in our relationship. It also have me some freedom because I trust him & what he says, so if he's not leaving, I can at least try to worry I'll do something to make him leave a bit less.

So, I guess the point I'm trying to make is that as long as there's open communication about things, I wouldn't worry too much. And I very much agree with @4melissa. We're all finding things about ourselves to work on. Small steps. I know on days I don't want to leave my bed or step foot outside, my dog is a big factor. She doesn't need much, but the loving, adorable puppy has to go outside a few times each day, and even at my worst, it's a simple task I can accomplish.

 

[Al_Lurker]

This sounds a bit familiar to me as I was told that she didn't like being so dependent on me. I now believe that is what started the downward spiral of our relationship. As ours was a long distance relationship she didn't have the time to develop the comfort that comes with my physical presence before I inadvertently discovered one of her triggers. Maybe the worst one.... My advice is to make sure that he understands PTSD very well and that you communicate with him as much as you can, maybe more. Do NOT assume that he understands or that he can read your mind. If you know what your triggers are explain them to him in as much detail as possible. If he is willing to stand by your side and helps you in the right directions then that is a very good thing for both of you. Please do not think he can do it alone though, use him as support as was said but find a therapist you can trust as well. Maybe take your boyfriend with you?. MIND can probably help you to locate a therapist that would be suitable.

 

[Hashi]

I feel safe when I am with him, which completely absurd considering the cause of my anxiety/PTSD symptoms was an ex-boyfriend who was abusive.

Do you think that though the two relationships are obviously very different, in both cases you didn't/don't feel very strong in yourself? I don't know anything about your previous relationship but often a lack of resources can play a part in keeping people trapped. By resources I'm including inner resources like confidence, stability, self-esteem, trusting and valuing yourself, and emotional strength. Also having outer resources like friends or family who you can turn to for support.

Your over-dependence on your boyfriend seems to be seeing him as your only resource, and you're unable to do things without him.

I think it's great that you have such a supportive boyfriend. I agree with Al_Lurker that your boyfriend shouldn't be expected to be your only support. I think you also need to find more ways to support yourself, and if possible to get support from other people.

Even therapy isn't a resource for you. I know you've said in a different thread that you might look for a different therapist but first want to see if you get a diagnosis of PTSD. I think the kind of anxiety you describe is enough on its own, whether you get a PTSD diagnosis or not. And there's the question of understanding what happened in your abusive relationship, and how to avoid that in future.

There are lots of problems with over dependence on your boyfriend. What if he has a bad day, or a bad week, or a bad month? What if he gets burnt out? What if the shine wears off the relationship but you feel you can't leave because you have nothing else?

The biggest problem is the risk that while he wants only to help you, he might actually be enabling you. That is, the risk that if he over supports you it will keep you stuck. Because you won't take all the steps that you need to take to recover. You won't learn skills that you need to learn, because he's "doing it for you". You won't work as hard to get over your problems leaving the house, because you're using him as your way to leave the house. You won't be as motivated to find good therapy and work at it.

Being able to go out of the house with him is a step in the right direction, if you take other steps too. Otherwise it's only being able to go out of the house with him. You need to keep pushing yourself to make it more than that, and being overly dependent on another person isn't part of pushing yourself.

 

[Al_Lurker]

.... What if he has a bad day, or a bad week, or a bad month? What if he gets burnt out? What if the shine wears off the relationship but you feel you can't leave because you have nothing else?

The biggest problem is the risk that while he wants only to help you, he might actually be enabling you. That is, the risk that if he over supports you it will keep you stuck. Because you won't take all the steps that you need to take to recover. ....

Hashi makes good points... the shine will wear off, it always does. I had a bad two weeks and it was enough to put me in the pen with the other demons. If you have the black and white thinking that's described in another thread there is a very real danger the same thing will happen to him. None of us are perfect and even the most honest and loving relationship will still have times that will challenge it. If you aren't willing to take the steps to allow yourself to forgive him and yourself during those bad times there is little hope that he will remain, either he will get frustrated and leave (as I did) or you will push him away and reject any attempt to reconcile (as she has done). He will become just another of the failed relationships.

 

[izmo]

If it's mutual (as in he feels comfortable with it) and if he treats you good (non-abusive, caring, understanding etc), I don't see a problem with it.. However, it can be worrying when you can't do some of the things perceived as basic without him. It's actually understandable to be that dependent, after going through a lot in your life.. Abusive ex boyfriends can be responsible for even regular flashbacks (for certain people) and it is comforting to have someone who is actually gentle, helpful, and loving to get yourself through hard times.

Aside from him, do you have any specific interests? What do you do when you spend time alone? And do you have a friend outside your family and him?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

In a word, yes. I do believe this is a problem.

Think about it this way. If you didn't have anyone to depend on, would you shrivel up and die, or would you force yourself to go out and get food, etc? I think you'd start forcing yourself out instead of starving to death. This is what exposure therapy is. You confront your fear little by little and it does in fact get easier to deal with. Yes, I have been in this situation before. I had horrible panic attacks at just the thought of going out. Leaving the house for only a few minutes was a huge ordeal and took me a day to recover. But, I had nobody to help me. I was left with no choice but to force myself out into the world just to survive. Things got better over time.

The other concern is that you're using your boyfriend as your "safe person". As in, things are a-o-k as long as he's around. This can be self defeating as what do you do when he can't be there for you? Yes, this point will in fact come at some time as it's inevitable. I'm not saying he's going to dump you, but the truth is that he can't be your 24/7 source of safety. In fact, when I was in the trauma hospital, we were instructed to not have safe people or safe objects. As in, we were told to not rely on anything external such as another person or an object to provide us safety. Why? Because if we don't have that person or object, our anxiety will actually rise. It is important for all of this to come from within.

 

[Liana]

Thank you all for your comments/advice. I don't have any other interests - other than video games (or anything on my computer), and I don't have any friends. I'm not in college or school and I rarely go out, so making friends has been difficult. I hope to change that when I go to college in September, and my boyfriend has friends at college which he's said he will introduce and hopefully I can make friends from them.

The way my boyfriend sees, and the reason he doesn't see too much of a problem with it, is that if I didn't have him, I wouldn't go out at all, yet alone talk to people or do anything. So in some ways he's helping re-introduce me into the world, in other ways, I'm relying on him for my happiness and not going to lie, I kind of do. But if he wasn't here, I wouldn't be happy. And right now, I can't find ways to make me happy that are unrelated to him - yes I am happy playing video games but it's a different kind of happy.

So until I have college to focus on and give me a purpose to leave the house, I don't think I will be able to not rely on him.

 

[Justmehere]

College involves really being out in the world and meeting lots of new people. Do you feel like the time you have with your boyfriend is enough to build up to that experience of needing to go to classes and meet with other students without him?

I know doing things without him doesn't make you happy, and that's actually why it might be a good idea to expose yourself to doing thing without him so that when you have to do it in college, it's not going to be so hard.

What about doing something to volunteer for others? That might give you a great purpose to get out there.

Relying on one person for happiness and purpose in life is very unhealthy and dangerous. Your boyfriend may say he is ok with it, and he may be ok with it, but it doesn't make it the healthiest way to be in relationship with each other. It sounds very co-dependent. Just my thoughts, I could be totally wrong.