Will You Share Your Past With Your Future Partner?

[saoirserylyn]

@krimson Sounds to me like you are taking a step in the right direction. Afterall, acknowledgement is half of the battle with these things =D

 

[Al_Lurker]

As a supporter who didn't know 'all the details' and lost my love because of my ignorance I would encourage you to be as honest as you can as soon as you can. I know there is a risk of you being hurt by doing so but there is a good chance not doing so will result in a larger hurt later on. If you cannot share all the details then say so... and do not allow them to press but you must help any partner to understand something they haven't experienced for themselves whether it be PTSD or anything else that may affect you and your future together. If you had something like multiple Sclerosis you would tell them the symptoms and the progressions wouldn't you? I obviously can't say that knowing the intimate details of it would have helped me because she never shared them. Honestly, I don't think I could handle the anger at her abusers and the powerlessness that it would have created to know them. I do know a better understanding of why things affected her the way they do would have certainly changed my behaviors. Even the agreement for a 'safe word' or phrase to let me know when I was treading too closely would have dramatically changed our relationship. My fiance was unable to discuss it with me in any detail and as a result I took it personal when she exhibited behaviors that are symptoms. I don't know if she's even convinced she has PTSD, she told me she'd had therapy but never discussed the diagnosis beyond telling me it was for depression. I triggered her fear of abandonment when I felt unwanted, rejected, and frustrated at her inability to talk to me and merely suggested that I cut a visit short. End of story, four years of friendship and love down the toilet. Polarized thinking is what I've come to learn that it was, but that doesn't change the fact she's lost to me and the happiness that we'd thought we'd found is lost too. I don't blame her, my own insecurities were at the root of my actions and I made a mistake. But had I better understood what the actions I took would have on her I could have overcome my own triggers.


I don't know at what rate you need to divulge but a partner should be someone you trust with at least the knowledge of what your triggers are and what they need to NOT do to set them off. Don't assume s/he understands based on a broad statement like "I suffer from PTSD" or "I was abused as a child", make it a point of emphasis. If that person hasn't experienced these things they will *not* understand the depth of your wounds. Treat it is it was something that could be fatal to you and this person could turn into a caregiver at a moments notice. You have the advantage of knowing what it is that causes you to act as you do and if you truly wish to be someone's partner, someone's love, then you must allow for them to make mistakes or try to help them to educate them how not to make those mistakes in the first place.

Trust and communication are the foundations of love. Of any relationship. You must have both or anything built on top of it will crumble.

 

[Jules0408]

I believe honesty is key. Of course sharing that you have ptsd and the reason behind it is not something I would bring up right away. Judging a good time to explain is the tricky part because too early could scare them off or they just don't really want to take on a 'supporter' role, and to late could lead to fights and asking why you didn't reveal sooner or the worst - you get triggered and such. I have opened up some what in the past and I found it caused some tension but then again, I didn't know I had a form of ptsd back then so I wasn't too sure myself. Now that I know, I feel if I'm comfortable with that person and I know it could go somewhere, I would let them give them the needed explanation. Like I said its hard to judge when is the 'right time' because honestly, when is it ever the right time to say "hey this happened to me when I was younger and I have ptsd from it and this could happen"

 

[billie]

When my ex of 8yrs found out a little bit, she used it against me in disagreements. She would say that I should get angry at my abusers and not her. It was just another way to put me down. I realised then she was not the one for me, so I guess it would be a good indicator to see weather your partner is good for you.

 

[Tinyflame]

No, I would likely not.

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks all for great answers. I still don't know when would be the right time, when to know if someone is right and won't step on my wounds. I still don't know how much to share because I've noticed myself having no control over my emotions when I come to remember all the past. I don't know where the threshold is for revealing the past. I just don't want to be used. My father always took advantage of my mothers weakness, relatives always took advantages of our vulnerability, friends I had also tried using my negative past to either use me, abandon me or humiliate me. I nearly escaped a rape last year by so called friend who groomed me pretty well. So I really don't know when to trust someone and build that foundation. I really fear sharing and trusting other people ever since last year. Even posting questions on this forum has scared me often because I was worried that someone will use me again. See, I'm in a turmoil. There are few good people maybe but majority actually feed on your vulnerability. This has always been my worry till today. I've been avoiding guys because I don't want someone to walk me into sex and use my body, I believe I deserve respect like anyone else. It wasn't my fault that all that has happened (sorry, this statement made me eyes water). It sucks when a child is abused regardless of sexual, verbal, emotional or physical. And childhood labor was there. Sorry, I can't write anymore,, i just can't stop crying now.. see you all.

 

[billie]

(((Hugs))) @jess_trustno1

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

There are few good people maybe but majority actually feed on your vulnerability.

It's actually the other way round but once you've been exposed to one you seem to attract more of that sort, plus because you're scared of it, you see in more in more people. Our brains are very good at seeing patterns in just about anything. Just challenging your thinking. :)

 

[Al_Lurker]

If polarized thinking is part of your PTSD you'll switch the good ones to bad ones very quickly too. Sometimes they may not deserve it..... Sometimes they will.