Supporter Husband Of Ptsd Wife

[zman]

Hi,

My wife has PTSD from childhood sex abuse. It was diagnosed about 4 years ago but has bothered her most of her life. At the onset of our 12-year marriage we had an OK sex life. The last four years it has been nonexistent. She has been in a DBT program for the past year. I believe I have been very supportive of her. She is a wonderful person and a wonderful mother. She does not suffer bursts of anger, she just has no sex drive at all. She also has nightmares.

Now I feel like a heel because I miss the closeness of my wife. I know she is doing her best to deal with PTSD, yet part of me is angry/sad/hurt/depressed because I miss her. I am beginning to pull away from her emotionally. The platonic nature of our relationship makes me very sad.

I love my wife, but I don't feel very loved by her.

 

[krimson]

Coming from the same situation as your wife my own relationship is likely being affected as well, but what keeps us together is that we discuss issues with eachother. Sometimes, I love but cannot show it. I love my stepdaughter with all my heart and was always so active with her but since having PTSD hit me, I have been less active and more introverted and it upsets me every day that I can't be that loving step mom which is why I need to fight this. Sometimes if my partner goes to fix my tag on my shirt or something, I will automatically go into defense mode. Don't doubt the love is there, it's there, but so are a lot of other emotions.

 

[Never Give Up]

Good News, You are not the only one suffering from the isolation or lack of love. I am 5 months into this nightmare of a marriage since my wife decided to just give up and go into her shell and shut out most everyone who matters to her.

This is my two cents worth that has helped me so far.
1. Form a support system of friends or family you can go to.
2. Keep yourself healthy, sleep, keep your state of mind strong
3. Get help for yourself if you see your stress level increasing.

Why- because you will not be able to fix her or your situation without time, love and endless forgiveness. Her trust has to be established once again. Your love life may not be a priority for her even know you have needs that had been met in the past. Believe me, I am there now and hating it. Do not allow or take blame for her actions. Just work together to process the damage that has been done. I will be watching your thread and add you to follow.

My prayers go out to you and your situation. Stay Strong, and Never Give Up.

 

[nursenurse]

Welcome to the forum. Keep scrolling through the supporters' section, I am sure you will find some helpful info there. I found a thread that might be helpful for you, proud of my self for finding it too, I'm not good a these things :D
[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/lets-talk-about-sex-and-intimacy.19315/[/DLMURL]

 

[The Albatross]

Wife with PTSD and my spouse and I have not had or even attempted a sexual relationship for 2 years. Stable for the most part with PTSD stuff I'm only just now starting with a new shrink for sexual dysfunction. Like what Never Give Up shared except for the first part, though it is his truth and may be an accurate depiction of what's going on in his marriage.

In our marriage there is psychological issues for me from sexual traumas, trust and betrayal issues with people (including my spouse) who profess to love me the most, as well as genuine physical pain that manifested in my 40's. I am 52 now.

What I can say is that, like you, my husband misses intimate closeness with me and I with him though we needed help from a third party to attempt to deal with this problem (my new shrink). We have also had several times, joint counseling and have come to accept that we are a "bonded pair" and both of us are willing to work and see things through in marriage.

That is something that ultimately I think both partners need to decide for themselves, together.

 

[zman]

Thank you all for your kind words.

My wife knows I am struggling right now. And I know she is struggling too. Yet she continues to love me. I know she does. She just can't physically show it. She is enduring exposure therapy now, which makes it all the worse for her. I feel the weight of her troubles and hate that there is little I can do to help. Support feels like such a weak word.

Then I feel my own needs not being met. It feels shallow to have my own needs given what she is going through, and I have tried to push them aside. Some days it even works. We are good friends. I love spending time with her and I believe she would say the same about me. But that doesn't chase away the loneliness I feel. I would be happy with compromises, but she isn't there yet. I understand. I don't push. Instead, I am more withdrawn. I know that isn't going to help her, but it feels like the only way I can have some control over what I feel.

This is all very circular. She hurts. I hurt. She hurts more. I hurt more. I don't know how to stop the cycle. We have had good conversations in the past but nothing ever changes. I'm tired of having the same conversations over and over again.

 

[nursenurse]

Have you tried some counselling just for you? It is so hard to go it alone, and you two seem to have so much together otherwise. It is not shallow to have your own needs and wants, it's about how you can channel them appropriately and also be able to express them in a non-pressuring way to your wife. Maybe when she has moved forward more with her therapy, she would be open to some couples counselling, I don't think she may be there just yet. But for you as an individual, counselling would be wise.

 

[zman]

I have generally found that 18 holes of golf does more for me than counseling. :) Couples counseling is part of the plan once my wife moves farther along in her program, and I look forward to participating in that. I have high hopes that we can find some ways to work together when we reach that point.

I appreciate your validation of my feelings about my own wants.

 

[Meadowsweet]

You sound like a very loving husband, and your wife sounds like a very loving person who isn't able to have sex right now.

I'm sorry for you both.

There is a lot of anger, blame and hatred shown by supporters for their spouses here, and I dearly hope hope that you will find compassion and understanding from people who love and support their partners.

She is trying hard and you are trying hard, and you deserve support to help you, either from here or in counseling just for you, as others have mentioned. And with ongoing support, hope and patience along with the love you clearly have for each other, you stand every chance of getting through this tough time.

 

[Never Give Up]

There is a lot of anger, blame and hatred shown by supporters for their spouses here, and I dearly hope hope that you will find compassion and understanding from people who love and support their partners

I agree and I may be one of them. I had passion which seemed to fall away when I was getting pushed away from my wife. I do not have the anger...but frustration seems to be where I am at. I cannot understand how some one can be so mean, but then yet say they have this compassion, asking for patience while they heal, meanwhile supporters, family members are unraveling at the seems along with the sufferer. I am not trying to place anyone into a "cookie cutter" stereotype.

I am looking for your advice. How I can be a better supporter / husband to a person who passes all the blame onto me for anything from the past, does not want help, doesn't think there is nothing wrong & and seems to like to create drama when it is not necessary. This might sound angry....but I am looking for a better way to address this situation for myself and others.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Nevergiveup - the poster here has described his wife as a loving mother, and said that she doesn't suffer from anger. But that she isn't able to give sexually at the moment.

He's not talking about someone who blames him/ he's not talking about your partner. With respect, that requires a different thread.

This woman is going through exposure therapy. This means that she is willing to relive and feel, physically, mentally and emotionally, every sickening inch of what she felt when somebody was sexual abusing her, and she is putting herself through this hell to try to improve her life and that of those around her. She deserves a bit of respect for her courage to do that, not your anger for your own partner projected onto her.

At the same time, her husband deserves to be listened to and supported, not to have supporters project their own situations onto his.

If you would like advice from people who have PTSD, then there is a PTSD relationship section where you can ask. If you want to ask me personally, then you are welcome to PM me. But I don't think it is fair on the poster of this thread to discuss it here.

 

[Never Give Up]

My mistake. I read this post incorrectly.