Relationship Why Do Sufferers Push Their Partners Away?

[Meadowsweet]

When I have walked away from relationships that are aggravating symptoms, I have felt relief.

With the greatest respect for your desire to be supportive, what you were doing wasn't aiding her recovery, the pressure you were putting her under was detrimental to her health and recovery. From what you've said here, this is what she has been saying to you.

It is normal for break ups to bring up hurt, anger and blame that the other person didn't meet the mark. Neither of you could fulfill the others needs or expectations. A relationship isn't an investment that you expect a return from. But she has taken the self-responsibility for her health and well being, and perhaps you need to take responsibility for yours now.

I wish you well and hope you find a person who can meet your needs, and whose needs you are able to meet.

 

[blue_eyes18]

I don't feel like I personally aggravate her symptoms, though. I feel like I'm the bystander who gets lashed out at when her symptoms present themselves unrelated to me, and then I'm the straw that broke the camels back. Does that make any sense? In other words, she's had a really bad day, completely unrelated to me, and is so stressed out already. And then I become the feather that caused the whole house to crumble. 99% of the time, that conversation would be no big deal. But because she's already had a terrible day in other areas, she explodes and takes it all out on me and lashes out.

In past times, she would blow up on me like that (never knew when. Sometimes we could talk and other times she would blow up, so communicating felt like a gauntlet of uncertainty and land mines everywhere) and then break up with me. after a week or so, she would tell me it wasn't my fault and her stress just over flowed and she exploded on me unfairly. She then apologizes profusely and says how sorry she is. That she can't imagine her life without me, etc. She hasn't tried to contact me this time.

I'm sure it's for the best. I'm finally able to move on.

 

[notsurewheretoturn]

I have just read the whole of this thread, as a sufferer can I say that sometimes the last thing you need or want to to do is communicate.

I may be wrong, but if, as it reads to me, you have been forcing her into a conversation then I have to agree with Meadowsweet that you were in fact unwittingly hampering her recovery. With PTSD you have to want to talk, then be able to talk, and then only when ready. The more you push that person to communicate with you, the more they want to retreat.

 

[blue_eyes18]

So how is it possible to even remotely have a healthy relationship at all if you cant talk to the person you're with? What's the alternative? Sit there in silence and misery and hold it all in because the person you're with explodes on you when you attempt to talk every once in a while? That seems extremely one-sided.

Personally, I have realized I cannot be in a relationship with someone who responds to me this way. As a psychology major, I realize the importance of communication in a relationship and how being shut down and berated for expressing your feelings is completely unhealthy and detrimental.

As a psych major I also recognize that being in her situation, I can't expect her to be able to respond any differently than she's capable. This is why I began therapy and read books - so I could learn everything about PTSD so I could better understand it. So that I could in turnknow how to better support her. But ultimately, this just isn't the type of relationship I want for myself and I feel she has done me a favor, despite the pain I feel now. Because it was an extremely unbalanced relationship. I bent over backwards to learn how I could support her. I invested years with this woman, and all of it was spent focusing around HER and how I could be better for HER. I completely even forgot that I have needs. It was always about what I can do to accommodate her. And I am sure I sound bitter. I guess I am. But I've gotten to be able to focus on myself for the first time in so long I can't even remember. And it feels good. I've been deprived of emotional, verbal, physical, mental affection and appreciation for so long, and always just expected to learn how to deal with that, that it's almost a breath of fresh air to not have to anymore.

She was my best friend. I know it doesn't sound like that right now as I'm typing this, but she was. We were each others self proclaimed best friend. I know I was hers. I was always there for her through thick and thin. But I have to finally look out for me.

I do miss her. And I still don't know ultimately what I supposedly did wrong by trying to talk to my girlfriend. That, to me, is basic relationship 101. I hate that it makes me feel guilty for talking about something I needed to talk about. She's always able to express everything to me and I'm expected to handle it and be accepting of it. Why can't I expect respect in return every once in a while?

Ahhhh. Lol. Just a lot of pent up frustration. Sorry I'm venting. I mean no disrespect. Everyone's help is very much appreciated. I just am frustrated right now.

 

[Snowangel1225]

So how is it possible to even remotely have a healthy relationship at all if you cant talk to the person you're with?

In this case, you can't have a healthy relationship with her because she is not healthy. The standard rules go out the door.

You sound like a very nice, intelligent person who needs and deserves more than she can provide for you right now. And that's okay. It doesn't mean she is a bad person or that you weren't enough for her, it simply means that she is not able to be in any relationship right now and needs to focus on herself and healing. You can move on with your life and find what makes you happy. Maybe at some point she will be able to have some sort of relationship with you even if it is only friendship if that is something that works for both of you. I wish you luck and I understand the pain and confusion that you are going through. I've been there too as well as many others here.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Blue eyes, there's no such thing as a nice happy break-up. When I give advice to a supporter it is often taken from what they are saying their partner has said. It is what your partner was telling you that I'm reiterating as something that has been communicated to you, but that you don't hear.

Communication is about listening to what is being said. Whether you think you know how it 'should' be isn't helpful if you're not listening to how it is.

 

[Seaotter]

I'm sorry to hear this and have no advice except a big hug.

 

[Ketamine Dreams]

@blue_eyes18

I joined awhile back and have followed this thread for some time. I'm a supporter and in a similar situation to yours, except that I'm married and have children. You seem to have a very insightful view of your situation and understand both sides of it very well. I agree that you can only do so much, and sometimes you can't 'fix' a certain problem, no matter what you do, say, think or feel. I think it's awesome that you are taking care of yourself and your needs, as that is extremely important.

The tendency now will be to focus on negative aspects of this whole event, (time 'wasted', relationship lost, what 'could have been', etc.), but I think in time you will see this in a different light. You will feel even better than just the removal of negative treatment when you have someone treat you in a way that fulfills your emotional, verbal, physical, mental affection and self appreciation needs. I speak from experience when I say I wish my situation had occurred when I was still single instead of in a marriage with children.

 

[blue_eyes18]

Ya know, ketamine dreams, I am glad this happened now rather than even further down the road with children and marriage involved.

I do miss her. But every day I'm getting stronger and stronger. It's amazing how much being away for even just a couple of weeks has allowed me to see things from a completely different light.

I think I became very co-dependent on her. I made my entire existence about making her happy and navigating my way through our relationship that I neglected myself for so long. So when we split, I felt like someone had cut off my legs. Half of me was missing. That was the co-dependency. But two weeks in, I've separated myself enough to see that what we had was unhealthy in soooo many aspects.

I appreciate all the support guys!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@blue_eyes18,
You said "I don't feel like I personally aggravate her symptoms, though."
And I want to say that you are wrong. Why? It doesn't matter if you're the most loving, caring, nurturing, supportive partner in the whole wide world. Relationships always, always, ALWAYS cause stress for a sufferer. I realize that as a supporter this is very difficult to understand, so maybe you'll have to just take it on blind faith.

When our stress rises, symptoms spike, and you know the rest. Friendships are so much easier for us, and I don't know if you've read many other supporter posts, but often a supporter will post and say "I don't understand, my partner is isolating from me but still hangs out with his/her friends" Well, romantic relationships put pressure on us to be something more, as in this case, you have emotional needs that she just couldn't meet. Friends, on the other hand, are more accepting and don't put as many demands on us. So yes, your needs may very well have been too much for her, and the pressure to constantly fulfill a partners needs does in fact aggravate symptoms.

 

[Nicolette]

And I want to say that you are wrong

No he's not - the sufferer can't cope with the stress of interacting with people in the capacity of a relationship which they entered. On that basis she/he (sufferer who entered into a relationship of their on free will) has a responsibility to the situation and when someone like a supporter says

I don't feel like I personally aggravate her symptoms

they are NOT responsible for aggravation when they are acting normally. Sorry but I walk on those egg shells and if you can't cope with a relationship then don't fri**en get into one. We have to deal with enough sh*t without then being responsible for being

the feather that caused the whole house to crumble.

This is what some sufferers expect of us.....to be

deprived of emotional, verbal, physical, mental affection and appreciation

dependent on how full their 'cup' is with life. We didn't cause the PTSD, we support and bend as much as we can but sometimes, just sometimes, it is perfectly reasonable to expect the other person to be there for us in a way which we need.

END OF RANT

 

[Meadowsweet]

I don't think it's healthy for anyone to blamed in these situations. Even when walking away from people, it can be done with compassion and love.

The person in this scenario has evidently tried to make the relationship work, and tried to offer words of comfort to Blue-eyes as Blue-eyes has to her, but it hasn't worked and one has taken the reponsibility to accept that and end the relationship for both of them. walk away.

There is no one to blame at all here. To hold that person up as a figure of PTSD for anyone to throw stones at because they are upset at their own partners, is morally wrong, in my opinion.

Blue eyes needs support in accepting and going through the grieving process for a love that's ben lost. His anger and hurt in this situation is ok and is personal to him.

But to rant about 'them' meaning all PTSD sufferers isn't supporting blue-eyes. .