Relationship Why Do Sufferers Push Their Partners Away?

[Deleted member 1860]

Everything I said was twisted and I don't appreciate it. Apparently supporters get triggered and overreact too!

I never placed blame on the supporter or said that it was the supporters responsibility. I simply said that he was wrong for thinking that he did not aggravate her symptoms. She is ultimately responsible for her own reaction, but what isn't understood by supporters is that the most benign things can spike our symptoms. A sufferer can have a reaction (trigger/stressor) because of the most benign things. Some sufferers get triggered by scents. Is it the scents fault for smelling the way that it does? No, but that doesn't change the fact that the scent does in fact aggravate said sufferers symptoms. THIS is what I meant. Nothing less, nothing more. I stand by what I said. You can twist it in order to disagree.

 

[blue_eyes18]

Solara, that helps to see it from the other side of the spectrum. I appreciate that insight. She's tried to explain that to me before. But she's not good with words so it didn't always make sense.

Nicolette, it's nice to feel someone can actually empathize with me. I just felt like all I was doing was trying to have a conversation with my girlfriend about something I needed to talk about. I even prefaced the convo with "I just want to communicate with you. So this is not a fight whatsoever or a big deal..." then I went on to talk about what I needed to talk about. Two seconds later, she blew up and started verbally assaulting me and becoming condescending. It all happened so quickly. I didn't even understand what happened. All I know is she apparently didn't want to talk in that moment and she let me have it, and then hung up on me.

I've never had a relationship where I couldn't talk about something on my mind. Where simply communicating something purely in good-nature got so blown out of proportion. I don't understand what I did wrong or how I could have ever done anything differently.

I did walk around completely on egg shells. It began feeling miserable, as that's really no way to live. I do see things from both sides. I do realize that signing on for a relationship with the sufferer means certain things. and I realize it's not their fault. At the same time, I did also have needs that needed to be filled every once in a while, as well. I needed to talk. and I got shut down and broken up with. It's hard when you're bending over backwards to try to meet someone's needs and you feel yours are overlooked completely.

 

[Nicolette]

I was sharing my understanding and point of view on the basis of what I see, read and experience. I didn't twist anything, I spoke as I felt in response to the most recent posts. Last time I checked this was the Supporters section and we are entitled to our views and perceptions.

I just felt like all I was doing was trying to have a conversation with my girlfriend about something I needed to talk about.

I can totally relate to this.

There is no one to blame at all here

No one is blaming anyone. I said there is a shared responsibility in and to a relationship.

But to rant about 'them' meaning all PTSD sufferers

I'm sorry but I had my say (rant) and I never mentioned all nor was I putting anyone up to have stones thrown at. I merely stated that if a person has PTSD but can't cope with the stressors of a relationship then I believe their responsibility is to be fair and not enter into one until they are capable of doing so.

Apparently supporters get triggered and overreact too!

Yes we do... hence why I chose the word RANT... as I'm living a similar scenario and I am passionate about supporters having to give so much with little in return, be turned on for insignificant things due to the already overloaded 'cup' and at times it leads to a lonely and hurtful existence in one which one would expect to be loving and caring.

I stand by what I said.

If this is the case why then did you delete your content?

Solara nothing here is personal but we are in the supporters section and we have a right to stand on our side of the fence and tell the story as we see and experience it. It may seem biased and unfair to a sufferer and for that I'm sorry, I genuinely am, however if the shoe was on the other foot it would be similar. Usually there are 3 sides to a story - yours, theirs and the truth somewhere in the middle.

I disagreed with you not on the basis of the fact from a sufferers point of view but from that of a supporter. We take the brunt and blame for more than our share and choose to be accommodating and respectful and mindful of our Sufferer's needs for the most part. Sometimes however, when we are actually acting 'normally' (in terms of a functioning relationship) it hurts for a Sufferer to tell us we are wrong when in our world we really aren't responsible as the fact is the person or situation(s) which caused the PTSD is the major cause.

 

[Meadowsweet]

No one is blaming anyone. I said there is a shared responsibility in and to a relationship.

I'm sorry but I had my say (rant) and I never mentioned all nor was I putting anyone up to have stones thrown at. I merely stated that if a person has PTSD but can't cope with the stressors of a relationship then I believe their responsibility is to be fair and not enter into one until they are capable of doing so.

When you speak of 'they' referring to people with PTSd, then you are generalising about all people with PTSD. A rant is a rant, it is an expression of your anger, and I am not deserving of your anger being aimed at me simply because I happen to have a diagnosis similar to somebody who has made you anger.

I have been very respectful on this thread, even though I disagree with some of the opinions that have been shared here and those opinions can be cutting. But I don't lose my temper or take my anger out on others, not even when my cup is overflowing. But as a sufferer, the assumption is made that I am deserving of other peoples anger.

Everyone who is in a relationship has a responsibility to walk away if they can't cope with it. In this case, and in my case, it is the sufferer who has taken that responsibility. But if a supporter can't cope with having a relationship with their partner and is becoming angry with them, then it is their responsibility to walk away from that relationship. They are also equally responsible for not taking their anger out on others. As human beings, nobody (not even a supporter) is justified when they get angry at others.

 

[The Albatross]

... if a person has PTSD but can't cope with the stressors of a relationship then I believe their responsibility is to be fair and not enter into one until they are capable of doing so

Yup.

I had to come to the conclusion that it was a big mistake on my part to misuse my relationship with my partner when the stress became to much. How well I understand that often times my husband or family felt that they were "being the feather that caused the whole house to crumble" hurting and unduly burdening them by placing/shifting the responsibility for my own re-activity on their shoulders. It was often times too easy to spark off at the people who I perceived loved me the most and something I had to deal with to save my own relationship.

I had to ask myself, "Why am I mostly capable of controlling or limiting my reactions to stressful people or situations in the general public, yet so reactive to my family and spouse?" For me it was because I thought it was "safer", and that they would love me anyway.

I had to work more consistently apply graciousness to my own spouse and family even as the stress was overflowing... as I was more able to do in public. Key for me now is knowing when to remove myself and pause until I collect myself. It is something I do because I don't want to hurt the people I care about and I don't ever want them to hurt like I do or can.

Relationships have improved and mostly I am consistent in the new behavior.

 

[Nicolette]

'they'

No, I didn't mean you, I was referring to PTSD Sufferers in relationships (in context of the discussion) who have expectations of their partner to put aside their own needs due to their PTSD symptoms for a greater part of the time and projecting the responsibility of some of those symptoms upon that person. For clarification, I will use the word 'all' when I mean everyone if that helps :)

 

[KellyDS]

I have been trying to be more communicative with my wife, but I feel like I'm a burden to talk about things and I get triggered when I start to explain why I am behaving a certain way, and then things go down hill and I cry and I'm a bloody mess, and feel ashamed and then isolate even more...I'm trying to get better with it but some days it is very difficult. She is the best and is being patient while I'm going through loads of therapy but damn.

 

[blue_eyes18]

Hey guys. Just an update.

The ex and I spoke for the first time in over two weeks. She asked me to come over and we talked over pizza and beer (yum) and she apologized for everything. Said she doesn't know how to manage her anxiety and separate her stressors. She knows it's never me in particular who causes her so much stress. She knows 90% of her stress comes from her PTSD and that I don't deserve the lashing out I often receive. That's mainly what we talked about. She said her and her therapist will work on separating everything. She also said her last two weeks away from me have been the worst two weeks of her life and she doesn't want to be without me.

We agreed to go to therapy together so we can learn how to best make us work and avoid situations like what just happened a couple of weeks ago. I made mention to a possible code word. Like when she's having a really bad/extremely stressful day, and I start to push her buttons in any particular way on accident, and she senses an explosion coming on, she's supposed to just say the code word so I'll know now is not the time and to drop it until she's ready. This way, she doesn't have to talk or explain herself and I'll be aware something is up.

Does that sounds stupid?

Thanks again for everyone's comments and support. You have all been so wonderful.

 

[The Albatross]

Good news, no a code word doesn't sound stupid. My mister and I had on for a while until I could learn how to verbalize my needs/wants/desires. I would get really frustrated because I had to learn how to do that. But with practice, it calmed things down and things started getting better. Good on you both for joint sessions. Glad to read this today.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think that you are both going to counselling, and actually working together on this is something positive and constructive if you really do love her. But I think it does take genuine love because remember, you don't have to have abuse effect your life, as she does, it really is a choice - and a brave one to make.

 

[libbylouise27]

@blue_eyes18 , how is everything going? You are so fortunate that your sufferer has accepted you into her therapy. I prayed for the past couple of months this would be the case for me but my fiance is leaving me. I hope everything is going well.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

I push away because not only does he NOT understand but he has a son that is in prison for being a p***phile. He just wants his family, not me, and I feel Iike I trapped myself in a situation where I can't breathe when he's around or I have consistent panic attacks. I wasn't on medication when I moved to where I am now but now I'm on everything and I've even had one hospital stay. I want to be alone with my own thoughts, my own creativeness and I feel if he isn't even intellectually up to my level (please forgive me for saying that but it's true; I'm not being narcissistic or mean). When I am alone or talking to someone else, I feel so much better and that I can heal quicker. Does that make any sense? Can he reconnect? No. There is no way this can ever fix itself but at least there is a way out....