Sufferer Hello Everyone. Long Time Sufferer, More Triggers Over Time.

[Ginko]

First of all, I would just like to offer my thanks to everyone posting here.

I'm 30, female, and have been living with PTSD since I was 19, due to several traumatic incidents involving people around me/my family members being killed, or dying. I was almost killed myself, twice in one short span. One such incident occurred the evening of my older sister's death, when some idiot woman crashed into my car, took off and left me for dead. I was pregnant. Little did I know that I would be suffering with Preeclampsia alongside my injuries, and a few months later I lost so much blood during delivery they were about to declare me dead. I somehow survived and was confined to a MISERABLE hospital for some time. I still get violently angry about that.

Anyway.

I ended up here because of a Google search about triggers related to arguing, as that is a HUGE problem for me. I always just thought I was just weak or possibly stunted, but no. Reading the stories of others helped me to realize something that has eluded me; There's something about disapproval of others that sends me over the edge, sometimes almost literally. Arguments are so far the only cause of any fleeting suicidal thoughts I have experienced. Let me be clear, I do not ever want to commit suicide!

The thoughts do go away after I can numb myself, but anyone suffering this condition knows about going from 0 to the absolute extreme in seconds. What I'll call "Normal everyday people" do not understand this at all and only make me feel worse about myself due to their mocking, so I have to be uber strong when that happens. I do everything I can to avoid doing anything that would land me in an argument, except for when I'm in a 'dark place' and have no idea what I'm saying/doing....scary.

I also can't speak properly to people I don't know. It's like I know that they know I'm off, so I uncontrollably break down in a flood of tears and have to run away, especially at the grocery store or any normal place. Sometimes I pretend to be deaf so they won't try and strike up a conversation. Ugh.

I cannot take medications because they for some reason enable more frequent black-outs and sleepwalking episodes, which I have no memory of, not even pieces. Due to medications like Alprazolam or Diazepam, I have years' worth of memories completely GONE. Things that from what I'm told, should be the happiest memories a person could have...When I had clarity, I dumped these vile medicines. They prevented me from living. No, I didn't abuse them, I just have bad reactions to any medicines, really. I know that some people have success with medicine, I am just not one of them.

That's part of my story.

Well, again I want to offer my thanks to everyone here, and anyone who read this. I will most likely just be a lurker, because I believe I can learn more thoroughly from others, like you wonderful and brave people! Thank you so much, and stay strong.

-L

 

[open eyes]

I'm sorry for everything that's happened to you.

I'm not really the greatest at sympathy or advice.

Alprazolam & Diazepam are in the same class of medications- benzodiazepines. There are literally dozens of other classes of medications that can be used to treat symptoms of PTSD, such as depression, anxiety, nightmares, etc. Each class of medication has a completely different chemical makeup, thus, affecting your brain in separate ways. I react poorly to benzos as well, & I was addicted to Alprazolam last year. But currently I'm on many other medications in different classes & I'm tolerating them fine. So don't confine yourself to rigidly avoiding medications just because you don't react well to one class.

Antipsychotics are often use to treat PTSD symptoms, such as Risperidone or Quetiapine, which have an anxiolytic & grounding effect. They can also help you get to sleep. If you think you need medication, don't be afraid to talk about your options with a psychiatrist. Your primary care doctor can recommend one to you, but they shouldn't be the ones to prescribe the medication.

 

[Caterpillar]

Hi and welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you've had to deal with so many horrible situations. I've had some terrible experiences with hospitals as well and understand your violent anger over it. It's a special kind of wrong when people who are supposed to help instead hurt and further traumatize you.

What Open Eyes said about meds is true. My PRN for anxiety is a typical anti-psychotic instead of a benzo because I don't respond to benzos. But all meds have risks, so each of us have to choose what risks we're willing to take and whether the relief is worth it.

I hope you find lots of support and help here on the forums.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi and welcome!

Who is mocking you? How do you numb yourself? Are you in treatment?

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Hi Ginko, and welcome! I'm glad you could find some recognition on the internet and I'm very sorry you've been through those terrible things. I hope you will find a lot of help and support on this forum (I know I have). I wish you the best on your journey to healing.

 

[Ginko]

Thank you all for your kind words, I appreciate the welcome! You are all so nice, I like that. :)

As for other meds, I have tried a wide range of medications over the span of a decade before I learned (the hard way) that I can better help myself if I'm not blinded by chemicals, which is actually related to my PTSD in the first place. I now only take natural supplements like Gaba Calm, etc. The last time I had a serious business panic attack and was taken to the ER, the staff gave me a shot of something that can sedate panic, then told me about it, and I apparently flew into a tizzy and had to be restrained because I for some reason thought I was going to die. I am afraid of the medicines now. I fear alcohol as well, even though I have never been a drinker. I should also mention that I used to suffer from bouts of psychosis, which is, if I were going to have a sense of humor about is like being a werewolf. I confine myself during those times. I become a completely different person and that scares me. Ultimately, I can overcome this though, and I am aware of it.

As for who mocks me, it's basically anyone these days. I have the worst luck when it comes to interaction! It's like I attract the most poisonous individuals possible, eek. I moved all the way across country after getting my SSI so I would never have to deal with what's left of my family. I believe that I can be fixed, they cannot, and refuse to admit they have problems. My family confuses my kindness for weakness, like most people do, unfortunately.

As for treatment, no professional has ever helped me. I'm not kidding when I say that the people I have dealt with listen to my story, and look at me like I'm crazy. What I mean by that is, I know they are getting paid to listen to me, and have personally felt/experienced that I can't trust them. I feel that only I can help myself, basically. I've also had hypnosis, and that was a terrible idea for many reasons.

After reading several of the stories here, I must say I have found more comfort in that than anything else over the years. I'm very grateful for signing up here today.

When someone who knows me sees me snap my fingers next to my ear, they know I've had enough. It sounds odd probably, but that's how I 'Go somewhere else' or become numb inside.
It took me so long just to get online and say these things, you are all so very awesome!

 

[Caterpillar]

As for treatment, no professional has ever helped me. I'm not kidding when I say that the people I have dealt with listen to my story, and look at me like I'm crazy. What I mean by that is, I know they are getting paid to listen to me, and have personally felt/experienced that I can't trust them. I feel that only I can help myself, basically. I've also had hypnosis, and that was a terrible idea for many reasons.

Have you tried to seeing a CBT or DBT therapist or joining a DBT group? These are coping skill focused therapies and you're not obligated to even tell your story if you don't want to (in fact, we don't ever talk about traumas or problems in my DBT group, except when we were identifying our common triggers). You can also buy DBT or CBT workbooks and learn skills on your own if you don't want to be in therapy or a group.

Just a few ideas of things that might help a little.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the forum!