What's The Point?

[Notsowild]

What is really the point in living in this world. Nobody understands me. I'm this odd ball at work. I don't fit in anywhere. I know if it wasn't for my children I would not be here. What's the point? What good am I to anyone. Someone to gossip about, to make fun of, to abusive. Live just isn't any fun anymore. What's the point?

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Hey -

For most of my life, I wanted to and almost did several times get a tattoo on my arm that read MISFIT. I was a misfit my whole life. Still am in a way. But even through all the pain and suffering, I knew there was something good in me - I wanted to deny it but I could not - I had seen it once or twice and I knew it was in there.

I knew there was a spark of goodness that if I could only stay alive, I could give as a gift to myself and then to others.

I don't even know you but I can tell you have that spark - because you care what people think of you - and that proves you know that you are better than people are giving you credit for. There is a beauty in you that cannot be denied - Don't be afraid to find it and nurture it. It's there and NO ONE can take it away from you ever!

I know

Laurie

 

[Shadowofdoubt]

My answer is a religious one, but knowing that the kind of world we live in and all the suffering we go through isn't the life that was intended for us, and having hope that a better future awaits where there will be no more of this crap ( pain and suffering) is what keeps me going.

And trying to remember that feelings do change, and life changes, so even though ATM you may feel there is no point to life, you never can know what tomorrow may bring, it could be something wonderful....so hold onto that hope of a better tomorrow, it can help get you through this moment.

 

[Notsowild]

Aw that is very sweet Laurie. I just don't see the good in me. I'm a used abused nothing. No one would really care if I wasn't here except my kids. I don't fit in anywhere. I'm just too over whelmed by everything that's happening right now. This week has been so rough. I just want to go away. I can't deal with this.

 

[Notsowild]

Thanks @Nera... I'm not religious. My Mom is an atheist and my dad was religious and he sexually and physically abused me. That's why I am the used abused nothing that doesn't fit in in this world.

 

[Shadowofdoubt]

I wish our brain/memories could be like the magic 8 ball, you could just shake it and the old stuff would disappear and you could have something new in its place. I don't have any good advice for dealing with negative thoughts and feelings about yourself, but I know you're not alone. I couldn't imagine ever treating anyone as badly as I treat myself. It takes work to re-route those entrenched thoughts, but I agree with what Laurie said. You are a caring person with a special spark...a fighter. You don't need to fit in when your special in that way, :). I am sorry you're having such a tough time NotsoWild. Hugs for you.

 

[WillyKat]

I remember feeling exactly that way all through my teenage years and periodically since then. I felt like I didn't belong here, didn't belong now, or both. I felt connected to nothing and no one. Over all those years, I've come up with enough thoughts to fill a book, but I'll condense it here.

I think a large part of it is the abusers talking in our heads. They programmed us to feel this way because it keeps them safe from scrutiny, let alone accountability. After the abuse, they desperately needed us to keep quiet, and we kept quiet so that we could survive. And it goes beyond the abuser. The little towns I grew up in "were good places to raise a family". Things like that "don't happen here." Even if it did happen there, it was often swept under the rug. The culture of silence.

But now you're here where it's not just OK, not just acceptable, but its also encouraged to speak up. There's no culture of silence here. And here is where you belong. You fit in here.

This applies to me and maybe also to you. Part of keeping quiet and staying alive made me a chameleon. I could pretend to fit in anywhere with everyone even though I didn't. It's a way of being invisible, of hiding in plain sight. We're not noticed and therefore safer. But now, we don't need to fit in everywhere, we don't need to be invisible, and it scares the living crap out of us, because the abusers planted an idea in our brain that if we're not invisible we're in grave danger.

I'll stop rambling now. My point is that we / you don't need to fit in everywhere, it's OK to be comfortable in your own skin and it's safe too.

 

[juggler]

Notsowild, I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I can relate. What good are you to anyone? Well, I must admit that I'm not feeling like much of an anyone these days, but in the off chance that I do count as an anyone..you are good in my world because you inspire me, to keep trying..to find courage, like you have done, and to share my vulnerability in the off chance it might do some good, somehow to someone. Pardon me if I'm intruding, and or saying the wrong things. I have yet to figure out how to introduce myself etc, my mind is a mess right now but not my empathy, I empathize..I just wanted to say I understand and i feel similar..and I really care and please hang in there! You have encouraged me. I hope to pay it forward..

 

[Notsowild]

@Nera ... It makes me want to cry. You are so sweet and understanding. Can you move here ? Lol nobody understands here. I feel like an alien from planet PTSD. My new T is terrific and we're dealing with a lot of my negative thoughts. It's just been a really rough week Big hugs back:hug:

@WillyKat ...I grew up in those little towns. A lot of abuse was happening and everyone kept quiet. SICK. I know I fit in here. Couldn't we get our own island just for PTSD people. :hug:

@juggler ... Of course you're not intruding. Those are the sweetest words from you. You should introduce yourself. You would fit right in too. It is a wonderful place. Thanks for all your kind words. I'll look forward to getting to know you better:hug:

 

[cherryblossom]

What is really the point in living in this world

Because it does get better. Recently I've been asking myself the same question, almost daily, but it does get better.

It's a slow process, and sometimes it feels like one step forwards, and two back, but eventually you will feel better. Especially now you have some support on the forum.

Being abused is horrible to live with, but trust me, when I say you are not alone. Sadly too many people have been abused/ assaulted, but it doesn't make us wrong, or guilty, or ugly, or ashamed. We are surviving, and living and doing our best.

Your children love you to bits. You are their world, and you will find a way out of this feeling.

I'm not religious, but @Nera is right - you don't know what tomorrow will bring.

Also, if the abuse you survived was sexual in nature, we would be very happy to see you on our sister forum DV

 

[xena21]

All I can say is you need think of your children and to do it for your children. You had them and they are new people in this world. I know it doesn't seem fair what we went through with all the different types of trauma, but they are a different generation and they depend on you. I depended on my Mom despite the fact that she was abused badly. My good memories are of her defending me and being there for me. I was still badly abused, but she is my bright spot in the world. You have to think of them. It seems like from what you have said that you do now.

I am alone in the world and wish I have had the chance to meet someone to have to children with. I hope you see the blessing in front of you despite the horrible hardship you endure. I don't know what else to to tell you to fight for except for your kids because that's what I would fight for.

 

[Notsowild]

Thanks @cherryblossom...thanks for all your kind words. It's been a rough week especially when no one understands. I looked into "my sexual abuse " site. I have a fear of what feelings might come up dealing with that trauma.