Undiagnosed New Relationship. Wrecking Havoc On My Mind And Body

[Nicholasgnames]

Hey all, I developed undiagnosed ptsd in a super turbulent relationship with a girl with BPD. She was a monster. I joined two different support groups for help back then. I got free and its been five years. Now I met a girl under pretty much the worst circumstances and somehow I'm surprised I'm having difficulty trusting. I haven't started shaking when my phone vibrates yet but I know its coming.

I'm just wondering, how does one overcome trust issues when the flags begin. I know the flags are not to be ignored but I also feel that this new girl doesn't deserve such harshly critical judgment.

 

[Justmehere]

It sounds like you could very well have PTSD, but you are going to rightly hear around here that self diagnosis is not the best idea.

Do you have a therapist? I think trauma therapy is probably the best way to resolve trust (and possible attachment and trauma reenactment) issues you are understandably experiencing.

You have been through a lot, and even endured very recent trauma. It makes sense on so many levels that you would be struggling with trust --even if you didn't have the prior bad experience with the previous girl friend.

I appreciate the compassion you have for this new girlfriend. You are right that she doesn't deserve harsh judgement. But critical discernment and boundaries may help both of you have a healthy relationship.

I wonder what is coming up as red flags for you in the relationship? (You don't have to share if you don't want to.) The lack of trust may or may not be a healthy response to red flags you are experiencing - and curing a healthy response is probably not the best idea. It's normal without PTSD to distrust someone when red flags pop up. People can either work through the red flags, or they can leave the relationship - but ignoring feelings of fear or apprehension hardly ever works out.

If the red flags are more about being scared not so much of what is actually happening in the present, but the past, and what is coming up is more ordinary relationship bumps and hurdles rather than abusive kinds of behaviors, then a combination of open dialogue with her and therapy may help quite a bit.

It may help both of you if you and her sit down and talk through what kind of boundaries will help you feel safer in the relationship and less fearful that this will go badly too. I think many girls would really appreciate a guy who is gently and honestly upfront about things like that.

Taking it slow will also help your body and brain adjust and over time, learn that things are safe.

Learning and using ground and mindfulness skills throughout my day helps me not be so triggered by things that happen in safer relationships on my own life.

I struggle with trust a lot too. One thing someone told me was that instead of trying to trust, to choose to not distrust, and carefully engage and take small risks to see if people are safe. I have found that this helps me a lot.

It's tough but it can get better!

 

[arfie]

Opening up about it is a great first step. It is allot to sort and it is not going to get sorted in a day, a week or even a year. Go easy on yourself and everybody involved. Small, persistent steps are easier to manage than big, exhausting reforms.

Welcome to the forum Nicholas. Hope you find healing companionship here.

 

[Justmehere]

I think I would be more concerned if you did immediately trust her.

I know there have to be some great qualities about her. However, those are some significant and very recurrent red flags.

I'm particularly concerned about how you say you two are enmeshed - being enmeshed makes holding healthy boundaries extremely difficult, for both of you. The fact that you changed (were dishonest) about the timeline of a crime committed against you by someone else (possibly a criminal act on your part if you changed it in a reported to police, and if not, still possibly destroying of the case if it gets prosecuted), and something that's denying her truthful information about you. While you did it in order to save the relationship with her, it is also a sign to me that no matter how good her good qualities are, this relationship isn't healthy for you in this moment:

You are bending your own values to make it work. There is compromise in every relationship, but it seems like you are both apprehensive about being honest with each other.

Boundaries are about more than saying no, but also following it up with action on your part if and when someone else walks over them.

It's not wrong for her to have as many sexual partners as she has had, or for her to feel accused in a disagreement with her boyfriend in the middle of a possible breakup - but her actions about the condoms and neighbor is a little strange and concerning. It just seems like there is something she is really struggling with too.

I think an honest conversation is in order - about what your stance is on sex is in order, especially since you have been recently raped, and letting her decide if she can jive with it or not. It's only fair to you and to her.

Trying to trust her right now with sexual matters without all these red flags but with unresolved/unprocessed sexual trauma still in the mix is also a huge task - I think you both need to think through if you are up for what it is going to take, and I still think it will need to include some therapeutic support, possibly for both of you.

Just my thoughts though - you can take them or leave them.

 

[arfie]

That is an awful lot of flags.

So are a recent rape and a psycho mom you are trying to evict from your life. What have you been doing to deal with your own issues? It is hard to form good relationships with unresolved issues of your own.

 

[Nicholasgnames]

Ooh bonus. My mom picked today to call my work 30 times. Off to parent teacher conferences. Feel like garbage. Excellent insights JMH.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think @nursenurse would give good advice so I'm tagging her in hopes that she wanders in.

I see a lot of problems in this relationship, especially getting sexual within a few hours of meeting, the dishonesty, boundary violations and cheating. The thing is that everyone has great things about them, but when you use the great things to dismiss the bad and the ugly, you've got problems. Any one of these flags would be enough for me to say goodbye. I think you need to ask yourself why you hold on. And I think you need to do a reassessment of exactly how strong your boundaries are. I mean you tried to assert yourself just this morning but she walked all over your wishes. Why don't you think you deserve better?

 

[StarChild]

udx'd ptsd

Could you please explain what this should be? For this is an international (worldwide) forum. And not everyone knows such abbreviations. Thank you in advance.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

udx'd

Undiagnosed. dx=Diagnosis and I presume the U is for un, hence udx'd is undiagnosed :)

 

[nursenurse]

Maybe I am missing something, but I don't see anywhere where Nicholas himself referred to sex, rapes etc, at least not in what is popping up on my screen. Otherwise I would be quite happy to dispense any advice that I see fit. If someone could point me in the right direction...

 

[Justmehere]

@nursenurse - His first post was edited and that info is no longer included.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

No, wait. There was a second reply by the OP that is now gone. I know that posts can be edited, but can someone please explain why an entire reply is now GONE? Mods, please chime in as I'd like to know. The general rule of the forum is that things aren't removed, and this poster isn't a premium member, so is something happening with disappearing posts on the forum?

@nursenurse,
there was a reply that listed all of the flags but it is now gone. I don't know why but I asked the mods as forum policy states that nothing is removed. Weird as even a completely edited/deleted post usually shows up as blank but it's still there.