Pushed Boyfriend Away, Now Ready To Commit But Too Late?

[Firefly44]

I spent some more time thinking about this last night and I became re-aware of certain things. I want to post them here in case anyone else is in a similar situation.

- I have made tremendous progress on my primary issue of feeling responsible for my abuse. It was not my fault and even now when I am upset that untrue thought no longer comes to mind. I am no longer ashamed of having survived it.

- I still need to work on secondary emotions. It's clear that I still haven't fully forgiven myself for having PTSD. Hence all the guilt.

- I am letting fear and the need for control get in the way of this beautiful relationship. Regardless if we are just friends or something more, I'm allowing vicious cycles from my past to replay themselves. I want to stop this. When I get mad and lash out I am treating him like my abuser. When I push him away, I am abusing myself. None of this is healthy and it's something I'm going to focus on.

- My best intentions and his have backfired. Our interactions for months now have been overshadowed by my PTSD. With close friends, I still get to have 'normal' conversations. But with him, because I only go to him when I'm breaking down, there are no positive interactions. We went from seeing all of each other--the good and the bad-- to only focusing on the bad. It's become so off balance that we've lost sight of each other. And the bigger problem is, in these situations I direct blame either to him or to myself. When I cry or discuss my PTSD with my therapist or friends I do so without dragging them in personally. I need to start allowing them to support me more in that way.

On top of everything, the distance makes it an even greater challenge.

So I'm taking a pause. I'm not going to contact him for a month. In that month, I hope to break my habit of lashing out. When I talk to him, when I look at him, I don't want the shadow of my abuser to drive my responses. If we're incompatible as lovers or as friends, I want that to be because of us and not a third phantom.

I'm going to work with my therapist on my anger issues. I'm going to allow myself to be supported more by my friends and I'm going to become active on this forum.

Thank you everyone.

 

[Firefly44]

A little more on the last point, with my ex, my tone and words are, "you make me feel mad /sad / ignored / miserable / needy". When I talk about the same situation with a friend/therapist it is "I felt mad / sad / ignored / miserable / needy." The second is more true because 99% of the time he hadn't done anything -- it's just my PTSD Rube Goldberg machine going.

So I need to take the time to 1) recognize the Rube Goldberg in the room, 2) try to understand how it works -- not why it works but how and 3) develop awareness of it working so that I can disarm it in maladaptive situations.

 

[AlmostFellForIt]

I'm not surprised that he wants to move on. If someone only came to you when things were bad would you want to be with them? Nope, I didn't think so. You're only showing him the bad side of you and not the good. No wonder he's burned out.

Possibly true but not the best reply for someone in Hell.

 

[AlmostFellForIt]

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So I need to take the time to 1) recognize the Rube Goldberg in the room, 2) try to understand how it works -- not why it works but how and 3) develop awareness of it working so that I can disarm it in maladaptive situations.

Our circumstances are almost similar. It's such a shame when you realize the person you have beenfor the last few years has destroyed your own life without you knowing.

You're action plan above sounds right , Just be aware that sometimes it's out of your control, that is, sometimes making everything cognitive doesn't work. You have to get inside the body and bring the whole nervous system back and that can't be done through thinking.