2 Weeks Ago...

[Ryn]

she is a leader of the church. She has the same confidence rules as a therapist does. She can't break that without running the risk of losing her ability to serve in a church.

I could be wrong, but I don't think most youth group leaders are bound by confidence rules like therapists - or at least not the the extent that, say, a priest would be. But it probably depends on your particular church, and either way I can't imagine it would go over well with the higher leaders of the church, to infringe upon a member's rights and privacy like that.

If your leader would go against your will by attempting to report, thinking it was her responsibility to "protect you" by taking it upon herself, then perhaps she is not the best support for you at the moment. That is highly insensitive and inappropriate at best, and feeling like you are being forced into something can be really difficult for rape survivors to deal with. You have the absolute freedom to report or not. If you don't think she would respect your decision, then however great she might be in other areas, perhaps she is not the right person for you to approach right now.

This is a really tough situation. I'm so sorry you're dealing with it.

 

[digger]

Sorry, I misunderstood. Is there anyone else you could see? School/college counsellor?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I actually don't think she can report it. I don't think that would legally work if Healing Reins does not give her consent.

 

[Echo]

In the UK we have Rape Crisis. This is so often the first port of call for people who have been raped. I'm not sure if I'm right that you're in the US, @Healing Reins, but is the national rape charity, RAINN or is there something more local to the state in which you live? It might be really helpful for you to keep this lady as your spiritual support and go to someone else for support in dealing with the rape. I hope someone who knows the US better can advise you.

 

[Healing Reins]

I think I'll talk to her tonight about it and see where she stands.

 

[StarChild]

I'm scared the police will think I'm stupid because I did drink A LOT that night and I feel like I put myself in the situation. I'm not saying it was my fault, but I feel like if I didn't drink, none of this would be happening right now. I also don't want to get in trouble for underage drinking.

Hi Healing Reins, although I understand your fears, there's something I'm not able to comprehend, when reading:

She loves justice, so knowing her...she would make a report, even with out my consent. I think she would be doing it to protect me...to make sure I was okay.. when I don'tneed her to report it.

The following is just a question I'd like to encourage you, to ask yourself. So please don't feel urged to answer it. But maybe it'll help to clear your thoughts and fears a bit. Could it be, that you're hoping in private, that she'll going to put the chestnuts out of the fire for you? And if yes, why?

I too, like to encourage you to report it as soon as possible. Maybe your leader can go with you to the police? Would that be an option?

And something else: It's really very important, that you're honest when reporting it. That means no extenuation about, and how much you drunk. It's about being authentic. Because if others (witnesses) may had seen you that evening, any extenuation or "white lie" would work against you... (I hope that makes sense...)

 

[mytai]

is being a youth group leader a leader in the church?

At all the churches I've ever been a member of, yes. Just to clarify is she a youth pastor or just a leader who volunteers? What country do you live in, and what denomination is your church (I ask because I can look it up for you and provide a link). I'm just familiar with what to look for.

I could be wrong, but I don't think most youth group leaders are bound by confidence rules like therapists - or at least not the the extent that, say, a priest would be.

Youth group leaders and youth pastors are typically bound, in any church I've been to, to the same rules of confidentiality as a therapist.

 

[mytai]

And something else: It's really very important, that you're honest when reporting it. That means no extenuation about, and how much you drunk. It's about being authentic.

@Healing Reins, I would just like to second what SweetLullaby has said here. It is so incredibly important to be honest if you do decide to report (again it is entirely your choice). I've just been through this in February, and I'm currently going through it again right now (video statement tomorrow), and I made the mistake of waiting until the end of February to report when the assault occurred at the end of December. I say I made a mistake by waiting that long because I had to be put on medication to help me sleep, and an unfortunate side effect of that medication was memory loss - and it did effect my memory of the assault. I had to be honest with the police about it though that I didn't have any memory of it, or very little memory of the assaults. If I had chosen to give details that I thought made sense based on the injuries but weren't 100% accurate then it looks incredibly bad on me, even if that meant looking "dumb" for reporting when I lost my memory.

The more honest you are with the police the more they can do for you. If you minimize or over exaggerate details it can throw them off from catching the person, or if they do catch them it can affect whether or not they will be charged. I know it's hard to admit to something you aren't supposed to be doing (underage drinking), but it is an important detail for the police to know if you do go forward with this.

 

[Healing Reins]

If I report it, I don't want to get in trouble for drinking. And I don't want to throw other people under the bus...I don't want to throw the supplier under the bus because he just bought us the drinks, he didn't think we would do anything with them. I have a lot of power in this situation, and I guess I don't want all the power...

I guess secretly I want her to report it, but I don't want to admit that.. I also want to know what happened.[DOUBLEPOST=1398717400,1398717166][/DOUBLEPOST]I don't want anyone to get in trouble..

 

[mytai]

@Healing Reins, I can understand secretly wanting someone to report it for you. I've wanted that before, especially when I've been too scared in past cases to do it myself. For example, when I went to the hospital in December for injuries from the assault I was talking to the triage nurse and she asked if I wanted the police called, I told her no through tears, but I wished that she would just ignore my words and call them anyways - take away the choice I had to make and just make it for me. I guess I wanted to be rescued in that situation.

I can also understand wanting to know what happened, I've been in that position before, not because of alcohol but because of my own mental illness and I dissociated so much during it that I only could remember physical feelings. It's like a double edged sword, you want to know what happened because it's scary having gaps in your memory, but at the same time remembering means bringing in a whole new type of pain and emotion that wasn't there (in the same way) as when you couldn't remember. That's not to say there is no pain or emotion if you don't remember, I'm just saying that knowing brings on a different kind of pain and emotion.

I hope you are able to make the right choice for you. It's not your job to protect anyone else, this is the time where you need to think about your needs, and your needs ONLY. Don't concern yourself with anyone else at the party that night, only concern yourself with what is best for you.

 

[Echo]

I hope you are able to make the right choice for you. It's not your job to protect anyone else, this is the time where you need to think about your needs, and your needs ONLY. Don't concern yourself with anyone else at the party that night, only concern yourself with what is best for you.

Exactly this.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Remember, each and every person did what they did out of free will. If they didn't want to deal with potential consequences, then they shouldn't have been doing it in the first place. Stand up for yourself now because in 15 years you may still be suffering the aftermath of the rape while this party is barely a bleep on everyone else's memory. Why should you be the one to carry the burden throughout life.

The truth shall set you free.