Belle Reve
New Here
Hi, I'm Reve.
I'm 24 years old and a college student. Well, I used to be. I can't really say that anymore, I guess. I'm here because of what I believe to be divine intervention on a few different situations, the most recent one is from tonight: I turned on my tablet to find this site opened in Safari- it was a thread from 2009 about self-care/soothing. I don't remember when or how I found it or why the window was open, but I was astounded by what I had in common with people as well as the love and understanding the users showed each other. So I signed up.
Um, this isn't easy for me. I guess it isn't easy for any of us though. I kind of struggle with social anxiety, especially since middle school. I have fought depression since I was 10 and PTSD since 2007, though I only really came to terms with it this last year because I entered a rehab facility to quit my addiction to my pain medication. Tomorrow, I'll have been sober for a whole year. Detox and rehab are the second most difficult things I have ever gone through, but I found new life through it.
All my life I've lived for school. Straight As, just devouring any information. I love it but I can't handle it right now. I withdrew from this last semester at my school, Brigham Young University and it's broken my heart. I've dreamt of going to BYU for practically all my life because my parents met there and they always talked about their education and fun experiences. But my grades have been slipping since 2010 in my sophomore year because I wasn't dealing with my PTSD. I was trying to "power through it", I don't know. I think I was in a lot of denial.
My PTSD made and continues to make school extremely difficult because school itself is a terrible trigger for me, linking back to when I was 17 and my high school teacher molested me over a period of a few months and then sexually assaulted me. My assailant had told me he was going to kill me. I'm religious (LDS, a.k.a. Mormon), so I prayed and set my affairs in order. But divine intervention occurred again- a girl came into the bathroom where my teacher had cornered me and I managed to escape alive. I didn't tell anyone until the next year when I eventually told my parents and then I reported it to the school and later the police.
Writing this post, I guess it's not so stupid or "weak" for school to still be extremely painful and difficult. Classrooms give me panic attacks, talking to teachers is terrifying. The whole environment gives me a lot of problems.
I had held on because I thought it would all be easier once I got away from Las Vegas and reached my dream of going to BYU. If I could "forget" and start all over.
If I hadn't gone to rehab and through that, made changes to how I think/value myself, I would have probably died of exhaustion before willingly taking a break from school. But I'm more in tune with myself and what I need to do for myself. I realized I needed to do this even though it hurts so badly. I need to look hard and see if school is what I really want or if there is another path I want more. That's what I'm working on right now.
Therapy has been helping but you know, it's also been causing my PTSD to really flare up. (Once a week, I see a therapist who treated me when I was in rehab and he's so helpful and a good match for me.) I mean, it hasn't been this bad since before I told my parents about the assault I survived. It's like my PTSD went into hibernation for about three years and then woke up screaming, crashing around in my head. I feel like I'm going crazy again. I'm getting flashbacks and panic attacks. Triggers I had "conquered" suddenly bother me like crazy.
My depression has been kicking me around the past month or two. I have a lot of trouble even leaving my apartment or just my room. When I go home to visit my parents, I am paralyzed with fear and the pressure to not show how badly I'm hurting. My parents are psychologists. They and my brothers are so supportive, loving, and sensitive. But my little brother is also suffering from a lot of PTSD right now, so I don't want to take attention away from him. I'm scared to ask my parents or brothers for help, but I've been managing to do that more than I ever would have before rehab.
I'm not always such a downer, but I'm hurting badly right now.
Sorry for such a long post :facepalm:
I'm glad to meet you and look forward to talking with you all!
I'm 24 years old and a college student. Well, I used to be. I can't really say that anymore, I guess. I'm here because of what I believe to be divine intervention on a few different situations, the most recent one is from tonight: I turned on my tablet to find this site opened in Safari- it was a thread from 2009 about self-care/soothing. I don't remember when or how I found it or why the window was open, but I was astounded by what I had in common with people as well as the love and understanding the users showed each other. So I signed up.
Um, this isn't easy for me. I guess it isn't easy for any of us though. I kind of struggle with social anxiety, especially since middle school. I have fought depression since I was 10 and PTSD since 2007, though I only really came to terms with it this last year because I entered a rehab facility to quit my addiction to my pain medication. Tomorrow, I'll have been sober for a whole year. Detox and rehab are the second most difficult things I have ever gone through, but I found new life through it.
All my life I've lived for school. Straight As, just devouring any information. I love it but I can't handle it right now. I withdrew from this last semester at my school, Brigham Young University and it's broken my heart. I've dreamt of going to BYU for practically all my life because my parents met there and they always talked about their education and fun experiences. But my grades have been slipping since 2010 in my sophomore year because I wasn't dealing with my PTSD. I was trying to "power through it", I don't know. I think I was in a lot of denial.
My PTSD made and continues to make school extremely difficult because school itself is a terrible trigger for me, linking back to when I was 17 and my high school teacher molested me over a period of a few months and then sexually assaulted me. My assailant had told me he was going to kill me. I'm religious (LDS, a.k.a. Mormon), so I prayed and set my affairs in order. But divine intervention occurred again- a girl came into the bathroom where my teacher had cornered me and I managed to escape alive. I didn't tell anyone until the next year when I eventually told my parents and then I reported it to the school and later the police.
Writing this post, I guess it's not so stupid or "weak" for school to still be extremely painful and difficult. Classrooms give me panic attacks, talking to teachers is terrifying. The whole environment gives me a lot of problems.
I had held on because I thought it would all be easier once I got away from Las Vegas and reached my dream of going to BYU. If I could "forget" and start all over.
If I hadn't gone to rehab and through that, made changes to how I think/value myself, I would have probably died of exhaustion before willingly taking a break from school. But I'm more in tune with myself and what I need to do for myself. I realized I needed to do this even though it hurts so badly. I need to look hard and see if school is what I really want or if there is another path I want more. That's what I'm working on right now.
Therapy has been helping but you know, it's also been causing my PTSD to really flare up. (Once a week, I see a therapist who treated me when I was in rehab and he's so helpful and a good match for me.) I mean, it hasn't been this bad since before I told my parents about the assault I survived. It's like my PTSD went into hibernation for about three years and then woke up screaming, crashing around in my head. I feel like I'm going crazy again. I'm getting flashbacks and panic attacks. Triggers I had "conquered" suddenly bother me like crazy.
My depression has been kicking me around the past month or two. I have a lot of trouble even leaving my apartment or just my room. When I go home to visit my parents, I am paralyzed with fear and the pressure to not show how badly I'm hurting. My parents are psychologists. They and my brothers are so supportive, loving, and sensitive. But my little brother is also suffering from a lot of PTSD right now, so I don't want to take attention away from him. I'm scared to ask my parents or brothers for help, but I've been managing to do that more than I ever would have before rehab.
I'm not always such a downer, but I'm hurting badly right now.
Sorry for such a long post :facepalm:
I'm glad to meet you and look forward to talking with you all!
