Saying It Out Loud

[Suzetig]

My therapist has been on holiday and tomorrow is our first session in about 3 weeks. Before she left we had a really difficult session where I ended up dissociating and stuck in a loop of really hard feelings - probably an emotional flashback now that I think about it. At the time I knew what was going on but couldn't articulate it to her.

I need to talk to her about that session and how things are for me, namely that I'm struggling to cope with past abuse, am remembering things I'd completely forgotten about what happened at that time, having flashbacks, dissociating, hypervigilant - all the usual stuff associated with trauma. Now, I don't think this will come as any surprise to her but I can already feel myself minimising my symptoms and my experience, convincing myself it wasn't that bad and I'm fine really and working up to avoiding talking about it. I've been treated for anxiety following issues as an adult but haven't ever really dealt with the childhood stuff and I know my minimising it is because I'm scared of what it'll mean to "own up" to how I'm doing.

My therapist is excellent, she's been brilliant with me on a number of levels and I do think if anyone can work through this with me, it's her. She's a trauma specialist and knows what she's about, we have a good therapuetic relationship. I know I need to talk this through with her but doing that breaks all kinds of "internal" rules about not talking about what happened at home, not asking for help, not admitting I'm struggling - the list goes on. So, it's easier not turn up, smile and nod my way through another session and ignore her efforts to get me to look at this. This is something I've successfully avoided directly working on for over 30 years with 3 different therapists so I've got form for not addressing things. It also means it feels like a huge thing to be opening up now.

I guess what I need is some moral support and possibly to be held to account (gently) for what I do in tomorrow's session.

 

[FindingMyself88]

I feel what you are going through and I know it can be incredibly difficult, especially like you said breaking those internal rules. Please remember you are not in that home anymore, they do not have control over you anymore, than cannot (physically) hurt you anymore. This is something I battle to. I have managed to tell some people and my therapist that I've been abused and in what ways, but its hard for me to say what exactly happened and how it made me feel.

I think it is a very good sign that currently you do want to talk to your therapist about it, go with your gut on that. It obviously means you trust her, and sounds like with good reason. I am going to recommend something that several people on here have suggested to me. Right now, while the emotions and feelings are still strong, right a letter out. If you have to, don't acknowledge yet that it will be going to your therapist. Right it as a journal. Get out everything you need to say and then when you see her, allow her to read it. That way it is already on paper and you can't minimize it any. Plus she will know how to go about helping you deal with this.

I wish you the best of luck, please do something nice for yourself. I too have went 3 (actually 4) weeks without seeing my therapist and I know it can be stressful the day before because there is just SO much to tell her. Please let us know how it goes. :hug:

 

[Notsowild]

I feel rushed in therapy. You have one hour to talk about a week or two of issues. You start out with the How are you? How was your week? You don't get into the real stuff right away. I write a list of things I want to talk about. It helps a lot when there is so much going on in your head. And I will dissociate a lot too. I told him at our first session I was dopey (too many meds ) and dissociative.
Maybe try some grounding and deep breathing just before you go in. Good luck. You can do it.

 

[Suzetig]

@finding thanks for your comments, I've taken your advice and written it all down in my journal. I may not give it to her because I do prefer to try and talk but it is all there so that if I get stuck in a loop again i can read it and remember why I'm struggling so much.

@notso I know what you mean about the feeling of time pressure. In fairness my therapist is very generous with her time and consistently schedules in some extra time for me to calm and ground myself before leaving session but i always feel i have lots to talk about - maybe i just need to be less impatient. I do think she knows full well what I'm struggling with but needs me to be able to verbalise it, if that makes sense.

I'm going to try and not think too much now about tomorrow's session but go in with a clear sense of what I want to talk about and open with that first and go from there. I know I'm not a child, or at home, or in that situation anymore but it takes hardly anything to transport me back there in my mind at least. I'll let you know how it goes...

 

[Rumors]

@Suzetig
I could have written your opening post myself! I hope you find tomorrow easier than expected! Sending strength!

 

[ghotiff]

I feel rushed in therapy.

I really resonated with this. I feel like I'm trying to undo almost a decade of abuse in my life with only 1 hour a week available.

@Suzetig You have already taken the hardest step, you know what you need to say. Well Done.
I understand your desire to talk directly. As a suggestion, if there is one key point, maybe take that one sentence on a piece of paper and pass it to your T early in the session so you guarantee that you will cover it.

 

[Suzetig]

Thanks for your good thoughts everyone, I had a very hard session today - it amazes me that she can be gone for 3 weeks and within minutes of session we're right back into again. I explained a bit about how I'm struggling at home with past issues, and about flashbacks and disassociation and she had noticed I wasn't fully present in the session before her holiday and wondered if that was something new. We spent some time talking about grounding exercises and safety in relationships at work and at home.

For the most part we just touched on the issues, as in mentioned, acknowledged and moved on knowing we'll come back to it when I'm feeling stronger. I was fairly upset for a good bit of the session and we ran over quite a bit because she wanted to get me to a point where I was ok to leave. I'm feeling shaky at the moment but very thankful for a very good therapist and for the support from here.

 

[xena21]

I wish I knew what to tell you. I'm still new to this. I'm trying to figure it myself. My therapist just went on vacation and I have no idea what to talk to her about.

I should know but I really don't trust anyone anymore. I like this one a lot. She seems different. I am afraid though. I never show emotion in any session. I see posts here where people cry in session, and I wish I could get to that level, but I'm so far off it's beyond comparison.

I don't know if you understand. I am like so far away from therapy, in my own little world, trying to grasp at straws. I do hope you get what you want, but I do look for things that will help me along the way...