How Do You Know When To Quit?

[scout86]

The title pretty much says it all. I'm not talking about quitting therapy because I think I'm "ok". More because I think I'm wasting everyone's time.

It wasn't a great weekend. Among other things, I emailed my therapist and accused him of lying to me. (More than likely he's not.) He sent a long and pretty rational reply. I apologized, or tried to. Haven't heard back from him (which PROBABLY means he's busy.) I'm just kind of tired of this whole mess. I think I'd rather go back to avoiding people and issues. Everyone would probably be better off, including me.

So, is "This is a waste of time" a good reason to quit? (Let me add that this isn't about my T not being good at his job. I think he's doing as well as I let him do. And, I actually LIKE him, which might be part of the reason I don't want to continue to waste his time.)

 

[The Albatross]

In therapy it is common to hit a block or an impasse. Since you mention "I'm not talking about quitting therapy because I think I'm "ok"... I'd say no.[DOUBLEPOST=1399308601,1399308495][/DOUBLEPOST]Not really good at finishing thoughts this last couple days, sorry. Over, under, around or through.... define and communicate the difficulty as you are able and work through it first. Then decide?

 

[Promicarus]

I can't give first hand advice, as I've never had much luck with therapy...but I second what I think albatross is saying, as I've heard same from others regarding their therapeutic process...that sometimes you just need a break to catch your breath...and that when you need that break...it's actually "therapeutic" to take it. Because you're not going to be making any progress during that time, anyway. Not only that, you could be put off the whole concept and avoid it at a later date when you could then hope to make some progress...or even worse, noting that this is the case, your T could "Fire" you, only adding to a sense of abandonment and rejection you already experience, AND then making it more difficult to trust a T in the future, out of fear of being "abandoned again"...that's my take.

I mean, if you're running a race, and are completely out of breath...what's the point in continuing with out stopping to "catch your breath". But I'm not a mental health professional.

But get off your back, for crying out loud!:) .

...You know how people say that to other people who are hounding them and deriding them? I've learned that I have to actually say that to myself...and very often...it puts things back into perspective, and I can "detach" from it, and have a quick laugh at myself.

I think your one mistake in "perspective" is SEEING it as "quitting"...because what happens then? THEN you beat up on yourself for being "A Quitter". Right? A runner who stops to catch their breath isn't quitting the race, are they? No, they're taking care of themselves. So pat yourself on the back for knowing when you need what you need, and providing that for yourself, instead.See?

Many don't have the courage or determination to endure the difficulty and stress involved with the T process at all. You should be congratulating yourself!

be well

 

[The Albatross]

Have the conversation first. But great post Promicarus.

 

[Hashi]

In my view, thinking you're wasting everyone's time is not a valid reason to stop. If they said you were wasting their time (actual words, not your interpretation) then it would be valid. Unless they've said this then it's only speculation, possibly projection, and therefore isn't a reason to stop. I can't help wondering if it's more of an excuse?

What you've said that sounds like a real reason is:

I'm just kind of tired of this whole mess. I think I'd rather go back to avoiding people and issues.

Again, I'm disregarding the follow up that "everyone would be better off" because I think that's speculation/projection/whatever. This isn't about anyone else, it's about you. We don't have therapy for our therapist's sake. We have it for our own sake.

I'd suggest that if you stop, or have a break, you do it for your own sake and don't attribute it to anything else. So you need to think about what would be best for you.

If you've had some difficult things going on in therapy recently, then maybe you do need a break. If you genuinely think you aren't making any progress, and never will, then maybe you do need to stop. However, I'd consider the fact that if things are coming up, then maybe that in itself indicates progress? Or at least, if you can then look at and talk about what happened and learn something from it, it could be progress? Bearing in mind that progress in therapy can be very uncomfortable. Sometimes we need a break from things, sometimes we need to stay with it and get through them.

Have you been thinking for some time that maybe therapy isn't working for you? To me, your post sounds a bit impulsive. Giving "everyone else" as the reason also sounds a bit impulsive, rather than thinking through where you're heading and what that will involve.

As a general rule, I wouldn't stop therapy or even take a break unless it's something that's been very much on your mind for at least a month or two. Maybe it has been, in which case I would still suggest you focus on you and what's best for you. And of course, talk to your therapist about it.

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmm. If you like where your at Scout, by all means subscribe to "tired". I still advocate though for busting through the block first. Get the progress, then rest if need be.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

I had to quit because it was going nowhere. Yes this probably needs to be posted in "Needs new Therapist" post however, after my mild heart attack last night, I think many things came to a complete head with my well being in general. It seemed that all of the issues seemed to be "my fault" and that my PTSD was getting infinitely worse because I couldn't tell my therapist of my soon to be ex's mental abuse. My best bet is to sell the majority of what I have and move somewhere safe in the company of friends who can help me through what I am going through.

 

[NovemberStar]

Very common to feel this way at times - however it sounds like you ARE doing really hard work in therapy at the moment - which is why I think you want to run right now. The 'therapeutic relationship' is often a push/pull thing - the feelings we feel SO INTENSELY are just that - feelings.

And NEWSFLASH - 'feelings aren't facts!' :).

I think because you feel you are 'wasting everyone's time' is the BEST reason to STAY in therapy - because it might be how you feel, but it does not mean it is reality. I encourage you to talk to your T about this - say how you feel.

 

[Notsowild]

I've been having the same thoughts @scout86 . I know I need the therapy right now but for how long? I don't know. I don't know your age or traumas but mine was from childhood. I've been to many psychiatrists, counsellors and group therapies over the years. Now that I had my second trauma I've been back in therapy. I need to work on some issues but for how long? Doesn't there come a point where you have to say enough? It seems like I've spent half my life in therapy.

 

[scout86]

Thanks everyone!

think your one mistake in "perspective" is SEEING it as "quitting"...because what happens then? THEN you beat up on yourself for being "A Quitter". Right?

You're right, that's exactly what I'd do. LOL And probably find a few MORE things to go on about and add "always" and "never" a few times just to get the total effect.

I still advocate though for busting through the block first. Get the progress, then rest if need be.

You're more than likely right. My dad always used to like to say, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going." My personal take on that was "going" to at LEAST the next state, farther if possible. I guess that's "avoidance" isn't it? LOL

To me, your post sounds a bit impulsive

Now THAT, I hadn't thought of, but you're probably right too. Impulse control isn't one of my better things and the worse I'm doing, in general, the worse that probably gets. And, I tend not to have the perspective to see it. Actually, "poor impulse control" was probably a factor in the really wacko "I think you're lying to me!" email I sent yesterday. tt was also a factor in contacting my T in the first place, though.

@NovemberStar , you're probably right too. (It would be a LOT easier NOT to talk to him!)

@Notsowild , my trauma, as far as I know, was also childhood. I probably have another issue or 2 to go with it too. But I've only been in therapy about a year. I guess that's a factor in my thinking "Who needs this?!" I've managed this long....... On the other hand, in some ways I guess I haven't always managed all that WELL.

I still haven't heard back on whether or not my apology has been accepted. Like I said before, he's probably busy, but, of course, not hearing anything back gives my "not always based in reality" imagination a lot of running room. I'll maybe send him another email later and see if he's decided he wants to fire me as a client. Thanks again you guys!

 

[Notsowild]

Btw @scout86 where did you get the cutesy cow?

 

[scout86]

The cow was an avatar that I used on another message board. In that case, it was animated. It hopped up and down and generally looked kind of deranged. (I thought it kind of fit. LOL)