Sexual Assault The Moment I Went Numb

[Justmehere]

I am working through a sexual assault that happened as an adult. I fought in off, screamed, yelled, kicked, bit his hand, but he overpowered me. One moment keeps haunting me. That moment, when I was trapped under him and he was pulling my clothes off, and I stopped screaming and went numb...

I can't seem to get past or let go of what I felt just before I went numb. All day it keeps coming back and I feel it and I go numb. Then I get grounded and try to go about my day only to feel that horror again and go numb again. I don't know what to do. It hurts and is such a horrible place I'm stuck in. I have faced other traumas of various kinds, even another sexual assault - but not this one. It is actually a big thing I'm feeling anything at all about it - but now I'm stuck in this loop of reliving that horror and numbness over and over again today. I'm trying to ground and be distracted.

I wish I had kept trying to fight him off no matter how trapped I was. I probably would have been hurt worse if I had kept fighting, but I still wish I would have and I don't know why. I did cry and say no no no stop please stop until it was over, but my body was limp and numb so so numb.

Beginning to lose hope there is a way through this horror.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Are you in therapy?

I ask, because something I did in a re-living session with my first therapist helped me with a similar thing. By allowing me to re-live in the safety of the therapy room, and being able to bring me back into the room if I became too dissociated, the therapist was able to take me to specific points in the trauma and ask me what thoughts were there.

In my memory of the event, I didn't know there were thoughts there, and the uncontrolled re-living experience, like you say, were the same fear, followed by dissociation. But with the help of the therapist, I found that there were thoughts there.

The primary thought was that there was no way out of this situation. It's something we discussed afterwards to see whether it was fear or factual. And going through the situation like that - my children were asleep upstairs, even if I could have escaped, I couldn't have got them out too. If I had fought and screamed, they could well have come downstairs and got involved - there just was no other better way out of the situation alive, than to stop fighting. With that choice, dissociation was what I had to protect me from the reality and enable me to stay alive.

I'm sorry I can't offer you anything more immediate. But if you can find a trauma therapist who can do re-living work with you, then perhaps that is a way through.

 

[Wyakin]

It is not unusual.

I too fought my attackers, I fought tooth and nail until eventually my body just went "enough, you cannot stop this." I hate myself for giving up but I realise that at the same time there was no way out. I was exhausted and they were determined.

It is not your fault and you are not alone. There are so many of us out there.

 

[bluebird]

I am sorry you went through this...

I remember being five years old and trying to fight my abuser for the first time - I managed to stop him from doing something... then he hurt me even more, while holding my neck, leaving me too little air, and I gave up and disappeared completely.

I always got numb later in relationships, after one longer kiss or longer hug... always. I used to blame myself for being that way... but then somebody who knew about my past noticed this and stopped and talked to me, calling my name, I knew he was afraid he hurt me somehow - and I have returned to him...

It is tough for me not to go numb when my friend hugs me. I can't even kiss him on his cheek without starting to shiver. There is no chance for me to be in a sexual relationship for quite a long time, I guess. But now - I am experiencing something different. I don't disappear so much as I used to... And I know he calls me back, always... I cry, I tell him what I feel - and he listens. I matter now :)

I think it is a great experience - giving your fears a voice. Being with somebody who cares for your you, so you can express your emotions. Not hiding them anymore. Letting them go. Setting yourself free... A person, who truly loves you, doesn't want your empty body.

I also have moments when I feel like falling into this memory suddenly, sometimes just out of blue. I understand how hard this is... But it is getting better when I talk about it... I am not alone anymore. I am sure telling your T about these feelings would help to ease this burden, maybe - if you feel it would be helpful - also somebody else whom you can trust. It was not your fault nor your shame, believe me...

 

[Justmehere]

I am so sorry for what you all have gone through. I am so relieved, to the point of tears, at the same time to read that I am not alone in this and comforted by the support. Thank you lots!

Are you in therapy?

Yeah, I have a really good trauma therapist who actually wants me to do something like what you have described. I have worked through other trauma, but not this one, nor yet. I'm really terrified of going through this one with her. It stirs up a lot for me - she seems quite ok with it! I know, maybe I should not be so surprised. I am scared I will re-live it in some uncontrolled way and scream or yell or go totally numb and lose sense of where I am or otherwise really freak out... when I told her about these fears, she told me that she would be there doing all she could to make sure I did not completely dissociate to the point of losing sense of where I was. She said that if I did scream, or go numb, or otherwise freak out, "It's ok. So you scream. This building is full of therapists. You wouldn't be the first or the last." She said if I went numb she would help me re-ground. She explained that the whole process was so that I would feel what is still stuck in my nervous system, but in a slow and controlled and not re-traumatizing way, so that I could understand it better, process it, and let it go. "And stop re-living it outside of therapy."

I still won't do it, not yet. Apparently my brain has decided though that I am going to re-live it one way or another and I'm really thinking it's time for me to do this with her. I am not sure why I am resisting so much. I think I am scared it will consume me, take me over... but that thinking is the trauma. It helps so much to know that others have worked through this in therapy.

Thank you for the encouragement and describing how it went for you. It helps this seem less daunting to face for myself. That's really interesting and helpful to know you were able to identify thoughts you had then that you didn't think you had. I wonder about that for myself.

@Wyakin - Thank you for your kind words. That moment of realizing I can't stop this - it is so painful.

@bluebird - I disappear now too. I want hugs, but much of the time, even a simple hug makes me feel nauseated, dizzy, and eventually numbed out. It is wonderful that you are not experiencing quite so much numbness. You do matter now. I'm so glad you have a friend like that who can keep reminding you. :)

I think it is a great experience - giving your fears a voice. Being with somebody who cares for your you, so you can express your emotions. Not hiding them anymore. Letting them go. Setting yourself free... A person, who truly loves you, doesn't want your empty body.

This. This is what I want. I hope it is possible for me. I want to be FREE...

In therapy, without my telling her, she told me one day that she thinks one of the hardest things for me to do is to let someone see how I feel. She put it all together. She understood how I was punished as a kid for any emotion... She says, "in here, it is safe now."

I also have moments when I feel like falling into this memory suddenly, sometimes just out of blue. I understand how hard this is... But it is getting better when I talk about it... I am not alone anymore. I am sure telling your T about these feelings would help to ease this burden, maybe - if you feel it would be helpful - also somebody else whom you can trust. It was not your fault nor your shame, believe me...

I think you are right. I think my shame is holding me back... in a big way. Thank you for the encouragement to keep going and to share with her.

 

[Justmehere]

Trying so super hard to find the courage to talk to my therapist about this tomorrow. I had an extra session yesterday and I got really close to talking about it. It is so terrifying.