LadyAnne92
New Here
Hi there,
I am new to this whole forum thing, so please bear with me. I have just reached such a point of desperation that I know that I want to move forward rather than stay in such a place of stagnation, and I know that the first step is talking about it. Basically I am seeking advice from those who have more experience with PTSD than I...especially advice from other combat veterans suffering from PTSD.
I am in a relationship with a very dear man. He is 26 years old, and has PTSD as a result of 2 tours in Iraq. He has been out of the military for 5 years, but has 80% disability due to PTSD. We first met about 5 months ago online, and things progressed very quickly. He had been single for 6 months, while I was about 3 months out of an emotionally abusive relationship. I was determined to not get into another relationship where I constantly felt depressed and burdened, and I also didn't want to end up as a "caretaker" of sorts again. (My last boyfriend had bipolar and was in and out of mental facilities and regularly made suicide threats...not good for me, to say the least.)
As we got to know each other, he did disclose to me that he had PTSD, but he told me that he had it fairly controlled, and that aside from getting angry at work, or if he felt that he or his loved ones were threatened in some way, that he was able to function fairly well. He was extremely affectionate and cheerful, always making me laugh. He would constantly give me reasons to smile, so much so that my friends and coworkers asked me what had changed in my life to make me so happy. Of course I gave the credit to my wonderful new boyfriend :)
About a month after we met, I relocated to a town that put me about 100 miles south of him...whereas before we had only been living 50 miles apart. I moved due to a job that I had signed a contract on before I even met him, and I told him from the beginning that it would be happening. It was a temporary job, anyway, so we knew that by the end of the summer we would be back to a more reasonable distance, and we also began discussing me moving to his town to move in with him and eliminate the distance. At any rate, we knew that we had 5 months to discuss it.
However, within a week, he had begun to have issues with the distance. One of my new coworkers sexually harassed me within that first week, and my protective boyfriend didn't like it. (Which is very understandable...)
I also found that my new employers lacked all professionality, and realized that it was not a good job for me. The sexual harassment issue, combined with an incident that involved the owner of the business driving drunk, I decided that I needed to get out of there.
We discussed it, and I told him that I didn't want to move to his town without having a job first. He said that he wanted me there as soon as possible and that he would support me until I could find a job. So...I rashly left my job and moved in with him.
Almost instantly I began to see a very different man than I had originally fallen in love with. He had a very short fuse with EVERYTHING...most minor annoyances would escalate to him yelling and cursing. He also became drastically less affectionate. I am a very loving and affectionate person, and he knew that from the beginning...and yet now it seemed to annoy him like crazy. Instead of wanting to focus on our relationship and getting to know me better, he now wanted space to "relax" and "do his own thing", which usually meant scrolling through his social media feed, watching TV, or playing video games.
I went along with it and tried to just be there with him even if we weren't specifically doing anything together. So, I would sit next to him on the couch and lean my head on his shoulder or hold his hand. He seemed incredibly annoyed at that. I also began to notice that the little things stopped entirely...we would go weeks at a time without him giving me a single compliment, even though I would dress up and do my makeup before he got home each night just to please him. I would try to hold his hand when we were out and about, but then he asked me to not touch him when we were out in public.
Now, I know what you're probably thinking as you read this...and no, I am not oblivious. Of course I began to wonder if he was just not into me anymore. I even asked him, and he got extremely offended and said that of course he was. He would still regularly tell me that he loved me, but his actions said otherwise.
Now, this is getting really personal, but for the sake of full disclosure, I will share it. I was raised in a very conservative Christian home, and had always clung to what my parents taught me about saving myself for the man I married. However, after my previously botched relationship, I was feeling a little jaded, and that combined with the feeling that my new boyfriend really was the one, I gave him my virginity at 22 years old. I felt like that was HUGE gift to offer him, and it was very special to me...he said it meant a lot to him as well.
However, after the first week that I moved in, the sex dropped to once a week. Then, slowly, it was once a month. When we do have sex now, it's all about him...it usually lasts about 5 minutes, and involves minimal effort on his part. He rarely concerns himself about my needs, and the norm is for us to have sex with him barely even touching me...it's like he does only what he has to in order to get the job done. I regularly try to initiate things with him, but he shows no interest. I can literally be stripping in front of him, and he just looks at his phone. And believe me, I am NOT unattractive...I get hit on all the time by other guys...I have had guys stop in their tracks just to look at me.
Now, the confusing part is that he says that I am the one, and he talks about our future...marriage is regularly mentioned like it's a given that it will happen. And yet he treats me like I am of no interest to him...he treats me with disgust, even. It has gotten to the point that we touch 2 times a day now...he hugs me when he leaves for work, and when he gets home. That is pretty much it. If we kiss, it is a peck on the lips, and if I try to initiate anything further, he cuts me off by changing the subject or pulling away.
What is going on? Is this normal PTSD behavior? Does he just lack the ability to be close to someone?[DOUBLEPOST=1401313521,1401313455][/DOUBLEPOST]I am sorry this is so long...it is a very complicated situation, and I just felt the need to give as many details as possible.
I am new to this whole forum thing, so please bear with me. I have just reached such a point of desperation that I know that I want to move forward rather than stay in such a place of stagnation, and I know that the first step is talking about it. Basically I am seeking advice from those who have more experience with PTSD than I...especially advice from other combat veterans suffering from PTSD.
I am in a relationship with a very dear man. He is 26 years old, and has PTSD as a result of 2 tours in Iraq. He has been out of the military for 5 years, but has 80% disability due to PTSD. We first met about 5 months ago online, and things progressed very quickly. He had been single for 6 months, while I was about 3 months out of an emotionally abusive relationship. I was determined to not get into another relationship where I constantly felt depressed and burdened, and I also didn't want to end up as a "caretaker" of sorts again. (My last boyfriend had bipolar and was in and out of mental facilities and regularly made suicide threats...not good for me, to say the least.)
As we got to know each other, he did disclose to me that he had PTSD, but he told me that he had it fairly controlled, and that aside from getting angry at work, or if he felt that he or his loved ones were threatened in some way, that he was able to function fairly well. He was extremely affectionate and cheerful, always making me laugh. He would constantly give me reasons to smile, so much so that my friends and coworkers asked me what had changed in my life to make me so happy. Of course I gave the credit to my wonderful new boyfriend :)
About a month after we met, I relocated to a town that put me about 100 miles south of him...whereas before we had only been living 50 miles apart. I moved due to a job that I had signed a contract on before I even met him, and I told him from the beginning that it would be happening. It was a temporary job, anyway, so we knew that by the end of the summer we would be back to a more reasonable distance, and we also began discussing me moving to his town to move in with him and eliminate the distance. At any rate, we knew that we had 5 months to discuss it.
However, within a week, he had begun to have issues with the distance. One of my new coworkers sexually harassed me within that first week, and my protective boyfriend didn't like it. (Which is very understandable...)
I also found that my new employers lacked all professionality, and realized that it was not a good job for me. The sexual harassment issue, combined with an incident that involved the owner of the business driving drunk, I decided that I needed to get out of there.
We discussed it, and I told him that I didn't want to move to his town without having a job first. He said that he wanted me there as soon as possible and that he would support me until I could find a job. So...I rashly left my job and moved in with him.
Almost instantly I began to see a very different man than I had originally fallen in love with. He had a very short fuse with EVERYTHING...most minor annoyances would escalate to him yelling and cursing. He also became drastically less affectionate. I am a very loving and affectionate person, and he knew that from the beginning...and yet now it seemed to annoy him like crazy. Instead of wanting to focus on our relationship and getting to know me better, he now wanted space to "relax" and "do his own thing", which usually meant scrolling through his social media feed, watching TV, or playing video games.
I went along with it and tried to just be there with him even if we weren't specifically doing anything together. So, I would sit next to him on the couch and lean my head on his shoulder or hold his hand. He seemed incredibly annoyed at that. I also began to notice that the little things stopped entirely...we would go weeks at a time without him giving me a single compliment, even though I would dress up and do my makeup before he got home each night just to please him. I would try to hold his hand when we were out and about, but then he asked me to not touch him when we were out in public.
Now, I know what you're probably thinking as you read this...and no, I am not oblivious. Of course I began to wonder if he was just not into me anymore. I even asked him, and he got extremely offended and said that of course he was. He would still regularly tell me that he loved me, but his actions said otherwise.
Now, this is getting really personal, but for the sake of full disclosure, I will share it. I was raised in a very conservative Christian home, and had always clung to what my parents taught me about saving myself for the man I married. However, after my previously botched relationship, I was feeling a little jaded, and that combined with the feeling that my new boyfriend really was the one, I gave him my virginity at 22 years old. I felt like that was HUGE gift to offer him, and it was very special to me...he said it meant a lot to him as well.
However, after the first week that I moved in, the sex dropped to once a week. Then, slowly, it was once a month. When we do have sex now, it's all about him...it usually lasts about 5 minutes, and involves minimal effort on his part. He rarely concerns himself about my needs, and the norm is for us to have sex with him barely even touching me...it's like he does only what he has to in order to get the job done. I regularly try to initiate things with him, but he shows no interest. I can literally be stripping in front of him, and he just looks at his phone. And believe me, I am NOT unattractive...I get hit on all the time by other guys...I have had guys stop in their tracks just to look at me.
Now, the confusing part is that he says that I am the one, and he talks about our future...marriage is regularly mentioned like it's a given that it will happen. And yet he treats me like I am of no interest to him...he treats me with disgust, even. It has gotten to the point that we touch 2 times a day now...he hugs me when he leaves for work, and when he gets home. That is pretty much it. If we kiss, it is a peck on the lips, and if I try to initiate anything further, he cuts me off by changing the subject or pulling away.
What is going on? Is this normal PTSD behavior? Does he just lack the ability to be close to someone?[DOUBLEPOST=1401313521,1401313455][/DOUBLEPOST]I am sorry this is so long...it is a very complicated situation, and I just felt the need to give as many details as possible.