Oh I hope this convo doesn't get heated! I do like the exchange of questions and ideas and explanations! And this whole thing is anyway very confusing. Add to it that, at least for me personally, I'm looking at this condition from the inside out...what I know best is what I personally am going through, and then next to that, an understanding of those who are also going through it, mostly those who were in my group therapy.
From my understanding a personality disorder is shown by the early teens and persists through adolescence into adulthood, where it is then diagnosed.
Does then the personality regress and somehow un-fuse to create these personality disorders? Is it a personality disorder if their personality was previously not damaged, are not their personality "flaws" due to their horrific trauma?
Something my Therapist told me, is that many times, a person could be suffering from PTSD and not have any idea of it until a stressor that is the last straw. This was something that came up when I was still in one-on-one therapy, and completely broke down because I could not understand how I was able to hold it together and be just fine and functioning for 35 years, and now all of a sudden I'm completely useless...and over something stupid like a breakup. She explained it wasn't my breakup, just that it was the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak.
She let me know that there were vets who came in who were only just then having problems functioning from a trauma that happened 40-50 years prior. It's not always instant. And also now that I'm learning more about it and myself, I'm realizing that I actually was showing signs of it all my life, just that it didn't affect my life like it is now. Everyone who knows me well has always made jokes of how I hide under my rock or fall off the earth, call me the quirky one, in all my relationships I'm sweet but at times madly infuriating. And all this time it was just assumed as part of my personality. Parts of me that I didn't particularly like, and annoyed people at times, but it didn't stop me from functioning so it wasn't a problem.
So while maybe a personality disorder you are born with will show right away and people may be able to tell you are not quite right and you get diagnosed sooner, I think that with this...especially if you are a child when you suffer trauma, and also taught to pretend everything is okay and never let on or tell anyone what is going on at home, those coping techniques and defense mechanisms develop in order to keep the trauma you are dealing with hidden so it's not obvious that there is a development issue. I mean, like for me personally, my mom threatened to kill me on a nearly daily basis...my life depended on making sure no one knew what she was like and what she was doing to me. I was the happiest kid you'd ever meet. My grades did not suffer...they couldn't, I got a C on my report card once and my mother beat me for it....I vividly remember that beating and still have the scar from it. Everything I did that made me seem like I was a well rounded, well adjusted kid was completely out doing what I had to, to make sure I didn't set my mother off and be killed in my bed at night.
By the time you're an adult, it has already become a part of who you are, in place of who you would have been had you not gone through trauma. I continued to be a super happy fun person, the worse I felt, the bigger the smile I put out to the world. I put my all into my work, my relationships, my friendships, and always felt like I had to prove I was worth having around by being as perfect as possible. And it's not until your cup overflows, so to speak, that it all comes to a head and stuffing it all back in to go back to coping like you trained yourself to just doesn't work anymore. I'm not good at anything anymore...just taking a shower makes me feel accomplished. It was always there...the signs just didnt show obviously, immediately, because I learned to do what I had to, to appear as normal as possible because that is what kept me safe, until the moment a couple decades later when I just couldn't anymore. And I venture to guess, I'm not alone, that there are other child abuse sufferers who have gone through the same thing.