Ups And Downs

[Ti Vu]

Maybe I'm just really confused and lost at the moment. I'm sure I am.

Is it "normal" to have ups and downs? Really steep ups and downs? One minute, one day, I feel pretty okay. Pretty good about myself. I love going out and enjoying myself, but then the next, I feel completely low. Like a shut-in. I just sit in my house, doing nothing. Sad and overwhelmed.

Sorry for wasting a thread.

 

[shimmerz]

@Ti Vu nothing you say is wasting a thread. What you feel matters. A lot. It is absolutely a valid question and it is confusing. I thought originally that I would pull a rabbit out of a hat like I always did and 'be better' t-doc set me straight on that. He told me (and I will never forget his hand gestures) that getting to health would be peaks and valleys. Ups and downs. He also kindly let me know that this was part of a healthy healing. That I was not going crazy. So yes, you will most likely find that things seem good and then all the sudden 'crash'. It has been a challenge to keep my head on straight during and after the crash. Wondering if all of this work is for nothing. On looking back, yes, I have been very shaken by my 'downs' but if I look back on what my downs were before - I am many times gently reminded by those who have traveled and supported me on this journey that I have come a very long way. As have you and as you will continue to do.

Love and Light
Shimmerz
:hug:

 

[GWhizz]

You are not wasting a thread at all. I have been going through this for about 6 months now. It seems like one week I meet my T, I'm fine. The next, I'm a mess! I generally respond to my gp's assessment of how i've been with 'up and down'. To me it sounds stupid but it's all I can describe myself with lately. But I have noted a certain level of general improvement overall. Maybe that's meds, maybe therapy.

I really do hope things do begin to move more up than down for you now. But know that therapy etc generally makes things get a little worse at 1st so this is not abnormal.

 

[Jane.l]

Yep - sorry about the cliche - but it's a total roller coaster. I get frustrated that I can't work out what causes the up or the down . Makes you feel slightly crazed .

 

[Ti Vu]

Total roller coaster. Life's sure taking me for a ride. I'll have to tell myself that. "This is part of a healthy healing." I guess it's been hard coming to terms with that.

It's great having all of you helping me along the way. I can't thank you guys enough for pulling me through. Love, Light, and Happy Healing to you all. :)

 

[Flossy]

I try to remember to think of the practical view of things first..

I check the "Life Basics" first when I am having a down.

To do this and not have to rely on my memory, I made up a chart on white cardboard and put it on the wall in the kitchen where I can see it.

It is a list of what others see as a normal foundation for life. Drinking water, seeking out and buying food that makes me want to eat it and is tasty and colourful, moving in some way, any way, that day. Walking, stretching, punching the bag, sleep, shower, clean hair, clothes.

The simplest of things that make us all who we are. I even wrote down the kind of clothes that make me feel good. Soft fabric like rayon/viscose, soft cardigans, flat ballet slipper type of shoes.

When I am down I always find that one of these things has not been part of my day or the days before I went downhill.

It sounds trite, but it is comforting to see there is a link. Nothing has to be done in a special way. I can't do gyms or running or wear special exercise clothes. It makes me feel pressured. Just walking to the supermarket and wandering to find a food that makes me take notice is a good way to think of health without the pressure.

Consider putting up a piece of cardboard and keep a marker pen near it so you can write stuff down when you think of it. You will be surprised how it becomes clear.

I think we also don't realise that it is a daily struggle to manage our brains and there are times when we need to be alone and do nothing. The trouble is, the old PTSD Monster tells our brain we are going downhill and the Fear Monster tells us it might last a long, long time. It is good to practise saying the opposite.

"I need a quiet time today in my house watching some trashy, mindless tellie and having a afternoon sleep".

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Five years into healing now and this Is one of my biggest struggles. The unpredictable ups and downs prevent me from working, they get in the way of relationships, and interfere with classes. I am constantly told "you have such good days, you are getting better!"....But I always follow this up with "YES, but I can't predict the ups and downs and that fact alone really gets in the way of predictable and constant functioning".

I am working on balancing out my mood. It is a daily struggle, but yes, I am improving. I am still not to the point where I know I'd be able to hold a steady job, but I am headed in that direction.

 

[Ti Vu]

I'll try that too, @Flossy. Writing down the day-to-day necessities and thinking positively whenever fear kicks in will help ground me. :)

The unpredictability really is the worst part, @Solara. And I'm so happy to hear that you're improving.

Thank you guys very much and I wish you the very best on your healing. :)

 

[seedling]

I was thinking about this today. I'm coming out of another low period that has had some dramatic, intense fear with it. Part of me can't believe I'm still experiencing that. It was all going so well.

I haven't had the cry-all-day trigger in a while, that was what I was thinking of today - it seems so far away from me right now but I reminded myself that that place is still there for me and could be activated any time.

When the lows come it's hard to feel that I will experience the better times again.

I just found another "part" of me and was feeling embarrassed to admit it in therapy by the seeming craziness of it. My therapist said it shows how much work I've done and how much better I am to be able to discover myself in that way.

I've been doing a lot of work on grounding, I have better success now.

 

[Ti Vu]

@seedling. It just feels that everything's going fine and then, bam. It just hits. They never said it would be easy. But I guess if there's a night, then there has to be a day, you know?

It takes tremendous bravery to open up:) I glad that you're coming out of your low period and are doing well on your grounding. :)

 

[Flossy]

I found a practical way to deal with the unreadability of the "ups and downs". I tell anyone who asks me to go for a coffee, meet up, or heaven forbid, book me ahead for something two weeks away, these words.

"My brain cannot cope with booking ahead for anything as I never know what the state of my nerves will be ahead of time. Is it okay with you if I turn up on the day or you ring me back on the day an hour or two beforehand".

Also, when I would like to see someone socially I say, " I am going to 'blah, blah' tonight and will be there between 5.30 and 7.30. Feel free to drop in if you feel like it, no problem if you don't, we'll catch up another time." I don't have close friendships to socialise with, but this does help in all areas.

I describe the problem in physical terms rather than emotional terms. People don't seem able to understand or accept the emotional, so my descriptions give me a sense of distance from the shame that can be attached. It also does not give mean people something to pounce on to criticise.

I also buy lots of gold, glittery letter stickers to put up prompt words on the wall. One above the stove says "Anticipation = anxiety".

If I anticipate or am expected to anticipate something that will be happening in two days or twenty days time I will definitely get anxiety over it, usually to the point of going downhill and then cancelling. By then, with no ability to sound rational at all.

Luckily for me, we can manage OK on my husband's wage, so I do not need to work. I would not be able to work anyway. It would make the PTSD much worse and I would probably get sacked eventually. I spent two hours in one of my jobs organising dividers around my desk so nobody could come up behind or beside me and startle me. It is not a good look to wet your pants or throw up on your desk. :) Just from a simple, unexpected "can you do this?"

 

[seedling]

@Ti Vu thanks for the supportive, kind words. Why do I have such a feeling of having to go it on my own that words like that surprise me?

@Flossy

my descriptions give me a sense of distance from the shame that can be attached

That's it exactly, the way you have of saying it avoids this issue. Thanks. I'd like to explain sometimes but I never know how to do it without it seeming like a huge act of confiding something extremely personal.