Wits End

[shimmerz]

I am fighting it but I feel it coming again. Something has thrown me off large. I know what it is. It was triggered on Tuesday. That is the day my t and I spoke about moving things. How to collect all of my stuff so I can get rid of it. Looks like I won't be needing more than a backpack for quite some time. So here is the dilemma. I have no solid place to go. Never have and never will it seems. So I idealize for some reason just being 'nowhere'. I won't be a bother to anyone. This image has blasted me so many times when I seem to hit on a core very young child issue.

Ever since my rekindling I have identified with walking out in the middle of nowhere, curling up where nobody will find me and - well - whatever happens happens. It isn't about suicide. It is about not belonging. Not wanting anyone to be bothered with me anymore. It is so incredibly strong that I have been seeing these images all day long and am crying silent tears. My SO is trying to help but I just can't bring myself to tell him - nor will I tell anyone else. I just need to silently disappear.

It started today with not being able to identify with my name. Then I got the pictures. Pictures of going to 'nothingness'. Now I am mute. Today I am purging my things - mercilessly - without any thought at all. I want rid of it all. I won't need them where I will most likely end up. This feeling is tangible. Hop in my car and just drive. Whatever comes comes.

And yes, I have done this before. Meds aren't stopping it. Not eating, dreams of leaving, everything revolves around this feeling - this need. This time it is stronger than ever.

Thanks for listening. No need to respond. I just needed to get it out somehow while I have the sense to see the more stable side that says 'no'.

 

[junglegirl]

Shimmerz I have been there and I wish you healing, adeep compassion for yourself followed by a deep cry for that little girl and what she had to go through. Hugz you will find your place.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling so much. I can see how going off into nowhere with nothing would be appealing. Can you go to "nowhere" in your mind? I dissociate a lot but usually other parts come when that happens, however, I also, if I am really longing to be alone and not bothered, have found a nowhere place in my mind. I don't have to be alone to go there but it helps. When I come back, I am in a better spot temporarily at least.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I am sorry that you are feeling this way! No one deserves to feel that they have nowhere to go, or that they don't belong. It IS a horrible feeling, and you are not alone. I have felt this way...

It's good that you are letting the feelings out by writing them, it helps to reduce the 'pressure' inside that is like a pressure-cooker. I don't have special or magic words to say, but I sure wish I did. I would tell you NOT to give up, NOT to give in, to the feelings that you have. They are real, and they DO feel awful, but since you have had them before, is it possible that they will pass, like a horrible tornado, hurricane, or typhoon?

Sometimes just 'not giving up' or not 'giving in' to the feelings is ALL we can do for a time. I hope that you will hold on with all you have in you, because maybe there are better things just around the corner. It's impossible to see 'around the corner', but it just may be something new and exciting. You won't know until you get there.

Sending peaceful, positive, and blessings your way....:hug:

 

[Hope4Now]

ver since my rekindling I have identified with walking out in the middle of nowhere, curling up where nobody will find me and - well - whatever happens happens. It isn't about suicide. It is about not belonging. Not wanting anyone to be bothered with me anymore. It is so incredibly strong that I have been seeing these images all day long and am crying silent tears. My SO is trying to help but I just can't bring myself to tell him - nor will I tell anyone else. I just need to silently disappear.
It started today with not being able to identify with my name. Then I got the pictures. Pictures of going to 'nothingness'. Now I am mute. Today I am purging my things - mercilessly - without any thought at all. I want rid of it all. I won't need them where I will most likely end up. This feeling is tangible. Hop in my car and just drive. Whatever comes comes.

I feel so sorry you are in this place. I know it well from similar experiences. I've felt like an alien outsider all my life. I've fought it to such an extent that on the outside nobody would know what this feels like on the inside. I go to that "nothing" place in my mind a lot. I have since I was very young...since I can remember. A place where there is nobody around, where there are no belongings or much of anything at all...not even scenery. As you say, I think it comes from a very young child place. I've gone to it in "real" life too...dumping everything and moving away to to a place where nobody knows me and all I have is a backpack. It is, perhaps, a place of existential loneliness...a realization that one is, fundamentally, alone in one's own skin. It is a hollowing experience.

Yet, it also comes from some sort of abandonment/abuse at a young age and the belief that got mapped into the system that nobody is there, that nobody could ever understand or help, that we don't even deserve to be connected to another in any way, or to take up space in this world. I always thought everyone felt this way. They don't. These feelings can be healed, but it takes a lot of bravery to reach out and connect with another person...even just a little. You mention an SO who wants to help...perhaps s/he can't fully understand your experience or resolve the emptiness that you're feeling, but perhaps you could take a little leap and share a tiny bit of your feeling, and ask for something small you feel like you need? A cup of tea...holding hands?

In this healing path I'm on, I'm finding to my great surprise that a lot of people want to connect. Want to help but don't know how. And I need to be able to open up, just a little, to receive their support. Often just insignificant things people say or do give me some connection that makes me feel like staying "here" might just be better than going to "nowhere." Gives me just a little glimpse of what it feels like to be safely and comfortably connected to another human being. It is very scary because it sets on their heads all sorts of core beliefs I have about other people and my relationship to them. I'm taking it in very small steps.

Have you had any experiences like this, where you have felt connected just a little...felt hopeful that maybe "nowhere" isn't the most ideal place?

 

[shimmerz]

followed by a deep cry for that little girl and what she had to go through.

I started the deep cry on Tuesday when this whole thing started. I am terrified of that cry. It is so primal and have been hospitalized because of it with so many bad experiences tied to it in my adult years. I am the one that has been assigned as the 'together' woman. It didn't just terrify me but my friends just couldn't take it. I can't go there with anyone around anymore. I can't see the pain on other's faces when I go to that place. Perhaps this is what is driving me to leave.

Can you go to "nowhere" in your mind?

I do this often and am pretty successful at it. I do imagery alot so I don't go nowhere but instead to a place that is connected to a spiritual side. That is normally helpful. This part of me though can't seem to get me there. This part of me so is disconnected. So willing to die rather than 'go there'. I know what the outcome will be if I go - but there is no active part of me that wants to die that I know of. This part of me just doesn't care about the end result - it has no concept of death but instead just needs a blanket and Teddy Bear to be alone with - forever. It is frightening to one side of me but so incredibly calming to another. The other is so strong right now.

and you are not alone.

That is so the problem. This feeling needs to be alone. To not bother anyone. I feel so wrong to not be alone with it. It is almost like it is my duty to be alone with it. It is not often that this part takes over but when it does it is so incredibly strong - so real - unbelievably powerful.

NOT to give in, to the feelings that you have. They are real, and they DO feel awful, but since you have had them before, is it possible that they will pass, like a horrible tornado, hurricane, or typhoon?

Ah...that would be so nice. Yes, they have hit me before. That is why my support system watches me. They have found me in ditches, gone searching for me, watched me like a two year old - locked the doors on me so I can't get out and silly enough, I have had to tie myself to the bed as my night terrors used to drive me out into the night. This time is different. It is not reactive to a fleeting situation but instead an ongoing one. Nothing I have has any meaning anymore and I am giving away all I have with no sense of feeling about it. It feels like writing a note that says 'don't miss me, I am not worth it'. NOT my normal MO. I know the trigger but can't get around it. It is something I must do with the end goal of moving forward - I am just not certain that what was set in motion on Tuesday sent me a little too far over the edge.

I've gone to it in "real" life too...dumping everything and moving away to to a place where nobody knows me and all I have is a backpack.

Yep, no idea or sense of where I will go. I haven't decided whether to take my car or just take a train somewhere. In this frame of mind it just doesn't matter. This posting has helped a ton as I am able to attach to 'shimmerz' although my name itself, I can't seem to get to somehow. This is such a familiar place and very comfortable somehow.

that we don't even deserve to be connected to another in any way, or to take up space in this world.

Yes. I don't have the right to even speak of this to others and it would hurt them so. Even my t feels responsible for triggering this off so I can't speak to him. It wasn't his fault. He didn't know what he was walking into and was only trying to help. Tuesday with T seemed fine until I walked out his front door. Then the spiral. A deep, deep spiral. Now I can't stop getting rid of things. Except my Teddy Bear.

share a tiny bit of your feeling,

I tried this morning. He is not normally flippant but I guess he is struggling this week with my mode. I was silenced when he said something like, 'yep, I have lost houses and belongings too, it isn't a big deal'. That sent me completely over the edge and silent tears ever since.

Thank you so much for all of your support. I really didn't expect any responses. Thank you so much for caring. If only this part of me did.

Love and Light
Shimmerz

 

[Pencil]

The only nowhere place is inside - you know that. Don't risk your safety and well being by going into the world. Without protection you'll only be more 'somewhere' - you know that.

 

[shimmerz]

@Pencil, yes, right now I know that. SO is asleep and I am alone. It takes the pressure off. Yesterday, however, I had no concept of that. I expect that when I deal with my purging of my things, which is a necessary process it will take me to a place where nowhere was outside of me. Nowhere to go as an infant/toddler, nothing to have of my own, no stability and complete lack of safety around others. It is like I have been thrown into a fragment of myself that safety was about being invisible. Safety is being in touch with people. In this moment I know that and thank you for reminding me of that. the problem is when I click into that other fragment, I have no concept of this.

Safety as a child is 'out there'. I have yet to fully integrate it appears that safety comes from inside. I will try my best to work on it but this seems 'although I have been told it is not true' that this is a DID portion of an infant who has no concept of functioning with intellect.

 

[Pencil]

And I know and fully understand that. I'm just trying to get you to hold onto the part that gets the need to stay where it is safe and to disappear into the interior for a while. Does your SO get this?[DOUBLEPOST=1402817386,1402817148][/DOUBLEPOST]And disappearing into the interior can be made to feel and look like 'going out there'. Remember you're dealing with an infant here - they can be bullshitted :)

 

[shimmerz]

Yes, he does - as much as one can who does not suffer from this. I am feeling pressure to perform however, and am not certain if it is ghosts of the past or if I am hearing things that I should be listening to from my SO. I thought he understood but his statement yesterday threw me big time. I would think he would know what moving things does to me. In fact I am certain of it. Am I being pushed or am I pushing myself?

I get the sense that my infant self feels as if I get rid of everything then nobody can take anything away anymore. That includes car, house, belongings, I expect even life itself. If it is my choice to rid myself of it all (although I am certain there is no concept of 'life' in an infant and no care for belongings which is why I am purging), is that me or the fragmented infant reacting. There is a real reason to get rid of some of the stuff but today I was wandering around throwing stuff in bags (boxes trigger me) indiscriminately ridding myself of everything that was mind that crossed my path. Gone.

Now that I type that, it isn't exactly balanced. Go figure. :-) How did that thought not occur to me yesterday. I think this is the opposite of buyers remorse.

 

[Pencil]

No matter how much another person tries to understand, they can only respond from their own experience and perspective. Don't focus on how 'inadequate' his response was, instead take a minute to realize that he is there.

We have to learn to stay in charge of these kids ... They/us won't heal without the right kind of intervention, but you can keep them - and thereby YOU - safe in the mean time.

 

[Laura 2]

No matter how much another person tries to understand, they can only respond from their own experience and perspective.

True, I agree that the being-there is a major plus, the rest can be worked on.... Though there are definitely a small number of people who just 'get it' without having to be told much. If you're fortunate you can find these people. I have someone like this in my life - she makes ALL the difference, though cannot take away all the baggage of course.