I would put up a piece of paper somewhere and start "workshopping" words and phrases. Write them all down and cross out or change any that do not feel right.
I would not go into panic attacks or paranoia, not because it is shameful, it is just beyond the average guys ability to understand when they have had no education on it or experience with it.
I would reduce it down to one phrase to keep near somewhere you stand every day. The bathroom mirror, the loo. Read it and practise saying it until it becomes automatic.
Imagine yourself saying this when asked about work. Then find one more phrase that gives a slightly deeper outline of the problem, but not in-depth.
The first phrase you practise needs to focus on the physical facts and the fact that you have been advised by your doctors that work would be detrimental to your health.
You could start with some phrases like:-
-I have severe nerve damage from trauma (you could even leave out the 'from trauma")
-I have a condition that has caused memory loss and nerve damage, so I can't work.
-I have a condition that has caused memory loss and unusual reactions to stress, so I can't work.
-On my Specialist's advice I have had to take an early retirement.
If pushed for more information, you can have one more short sentence.
"Oh, How does it affect you?"
- I am unable to retain information and focus.
- It causes confusion and palpitations.
- My wellbeing can change from one day to the next and it impacts on ability to perform a job.
You do not owe anyone any more than this.
If they then ask what it is called. Just say "PTSD". If they are a close friend and seem genuinely interested and want to know more. You can say. " We can make another time and have a longer chat about it'. Otherwise you are quite entitled to say, "you'll understand if I don't feel like talking about it right now".
It has taken me five years to accept that I cannot work. I was also ashamed of it for the first four years and kept looking up employment websites and applying for interviews. I would cancel every time with a panic attack and I guess I had to experience that before I believed it.
It is important to get out of the house every day. Catch a train or a bus somewhere, have a coffee, then walk home. Make it a long enough walk to get up a sweat. Do it at least five days a week.
Then make another list of all the things you are interested in and pick the easiest one and do one thing towards doing it. It does not have to be formal or involve a commitment.
- join a men's shed if you are handy with timber
- runner's groups
- library
- Short fun courses at a Community College (spend the dollars it will be towards healing)
- buy a second hand pushbike
- scour the charity shops for bargains
- fix stuff where you live
- go to the supermarket every day and walk around the fruit and veggies and meats and sauces and dream up a dish to make with your favourite flavours.
Just some ideas.
Acceptance will take time. Try to not allow the thought of shame though it will take practise. If our skin was hit over and over daily until it bled and scarred up and got hit again. It would become scarred, deformed and unable to function well. Our nerves in our body,nervous system and brain have had that happen to them. Hits of adrenaline and other damaging hormones created by trauma and stress surging through our veins. Our adrenal glands don't know what the hell they are doing any more.
Other diseases that have similar impact on the body's different systems are multiple sclerosis, parkinsons disease etc etc.
I think we feel shame because our disease is not talked about in a physical sense enough. There is so much focus on emotional responses and symptoms. That will change in time. If you answer your friends in a way that suits you, along some of the ideas above, it will make a change in your community and circle of friends. If we all do it, it will become accepted.
Ten years ago, before PTSD I never told a soul I had depression and that has all changed.
See if you can find a punching bag and when that guilt comes, punch the bag and say words about how hard you have tried and the struggle. If it makes you cry, good, cry and punch and swear. The guilt will go away, I promise. Let it out.
Best wishes.
