Seeking help makes me feel guilty?

[SeekingAfrica]

Does that happen to you? I don't know if it's worse or easier if you have to use credit card debt or wellfare or food banks or free clinics... having no other avenues I am creative when in a jam papparently. Either sink or swim. I've been sinking a lot, hence resorting to few person to person terrible loans, but also help from friends, help from communities I'm part of.... It's extremely low feeling for me, having to admit that amongst the people that are doing well therefore can help me, I have somehow gotten to a level where I am so scared that I'm willing to ask a community I'm a part of (locally) for assistance. To have to explain to that many people how debilitating my health has become that I have to seek financial help to fix my health before I can fix anything else.

For some reason getting help feels like cheating. Getting professional therapy feels like a luxury, but that one is easy to figure growing up with parents who don't believe mental health is a real thing:D. But financial help? Sometimes I really need it (now) and asking for it makes me feel like I'm lower than those I seek the help from for some reason? Or that me seeking helps means I wasn't able to cope on my own, which I wasn't- but still makes me feel vulnerable and rattled and guilty for accepting help when I get it.

 

[arfie]

to my conditioned senses, asking for help is a brass ovaries confession of guilt. that childhood conditioning was administered by judges and juries who solidly believed in cruel and unusual punishment --for my own good, of course. more than half a century later, part of me still believes i am hopelessly flawed that i cannot remove my own appendix. i'm quite sure i had an ancestor who made it look easy.

it was a major shock to my core values to discover that highly successful people ask freely and often for help. it takes a village to be a superstar. i **know** this and have generated my own body of proof, but that childhood conditioning still kicks in on a routine basis. ply therapy tools here.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

it was a major shock to my core values to discover that highly successful people ask freely and often for help.

Genuinely didn't know that!

i **know** this and have generated my own body of proof, but that childhood conditioning still kicks in on a routine basis. ply therapy tools here.

Yup. As I mentioned- decided to advocate for myself and if help is not available to me- to use all my networking, experience, acquaintances and education I have acquired to advocate and seek the help I need. I sort of expected it to be a fool's errand and thought I won't be able to think of more than 5 people to ask but since then I have reached out to a community as well as 10 people at least. I can humbly say I have received mini help from one, confirmed waiting on help from one and a maybe, both of which I'll know by the end of the week. Maaaybe 1 more. It's small helps but as you said, a village. It's humbling that I still found it in me to ask. It's humbling that there are still people willing to help.
It's wonderful.

At the same time I have to genuinely say those explanations, conversations, deciding when help will be given, how, if it's a gift or a loan, explaining why I needed it- took ALL day. And might not be done yet.

I feel all talked out and exhausted. Like yes, this will be gifts or loans, but today it was as if you were applying for credit in many banks, equally exhausting. And I feel grateful, shocked and exhausted all at the same time. And for some of the help that I need to wait for- anxious. As if people having the time will help them understand I'm not worthy of it. It's crazy. All the talking I did today MAY give me a path forward and a way to do get better both in income and mentally, but at the same time I feel nauseous, as if I've taken something that doesn't belong to me, a chance I didn't earn.
It's VERY confusing feeling.

Like I'd walk through fire for a second chance and it's why today happened and so many explanations were given- but at the same time, a part of me feels I am not worth that chance. Or I'd blow it again. Or I'm exaggerating how much I need it (and you know @arfie at least you have been here long enough, you know it's bad right now, legit BAD). But it still feels that way.

ADD ON: Also it was a little draining and infuriating. Some of the people didn't plan to help financially but after reading 1 chat story thought they had the perfect solution to my health. Health I have struggled for a decade with, along with some friends, relationships, and few professional psyhiatrists and therapists. Yet they thought an app, an exercise, or positive attitude was a better solution to me not wanting to wake up in the morning. Genuinely infuriating. I KNOW I am the one having to ask for help with limited explanation, but otherwise I need to write a book of all that transpired to get here. So positivve attitude? Apps? Sure, that helps. But after a decade and a several doctors I know when I can DIY my recovery and when I need professional help, thanks....

 

[arfie]

It's humbling that there are still people willing to help.

"humbling" is a psycho snot knot which i still grapple on this score. when i have had the opportunity to watch and learn from people who are GOOD at asking for help, there is nothing humbling in their approach. not being able to do every job in the world is not humbling to them. just a fact of life. not even woody allen can do ALL the jobs it takes to turn out a mass marketable product. teamwork required to cover all the bases.

my therapy breakthrough came in studying the diffs between "humiliation" and "humility." these days i think of humility as being okay with my small place in the universe. my childhood conditioning used a great deal of humiliation that only left me dazed and confused about my small place in the universe.

i'm still not very good at asking for help. i'm still lacking in many social skills those masters of asking employed, but still studying. . . works in progress. . .

 

[SeekingAfrica]

these days i think of humility as being okay with my small place in the universe.

Same. But I've discovered I'm very NOT okay with losing my small place in the universe no matter the cost. It feels like I've carved out a place for myself until my fingers were bloody from all the work I had to do to make a place that was for me and I'm not giving it up easy.

i'm still not very good at asking for help.

Neither am I. I feel like the times I ask for help come after I have been so desperate for so long that I snap. The times I ask for help have that surreal quality to the memory like when there's too much adrenaline.
And then I ask for help without feeling whether I deserve it or not, it's just the solution after I've crossed all other solutions and I've gotten sufficiently scared. It's like it's not me doing it, but someone else- I had other plans for the day, I've spend weeks in a hole wondering whether to give up and finally- some part of me has chosen not to. Not saying I deserve it. I'm just saying... it happened. A part of me decided enough was enough and decided to ask for help. The rest of me handle the consequence and when I'm better I'll find ways to pay it forward. For right now it just happened.

 

[arfie]

I'm very NOT okay with losing my small place in the universe no matter the cost.

maybe it's a byproduct of my advanced years, but i'm not sure it is possible to lose my small place in the universe. that universe feels considerably bigger than my humble estate. my place in the universe is a journey far more than a thing collection.

attempted humor alert
life is like a roll of toilet paper. the nearer the end, the faster it goes.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

life is like a roll of toilet paper. the nearer the end, the faster it goes.

That did make me laugh, thanks.

but i'm not sure it is possible to lose my small place in the universe.

I haven't felt the same lately, whichever meaning of that you take.
I've felt somehow transparent and vulnerable and like a small blow of wind will just break me. Like no breath I take is a given.
Things haven't been greatest clearly. Working on that.

 

[arfie]

I haven't felt the same lately, whichever meaning of that you take.

it often helps me to separate my feelings from my facts. facts don't change, regardless of how i feel about them. not being able to feel my place in the universe doesn't change the fact that i have one. feelings are like a running river. they change constantly and i can feel more than one way about a single fact. the heart goes where it goes.

when the factual and blustery winds of life have me feeling vulnerable, accepting the fact that i'm not currently seeing clearly opens up space to just breathe. breathing freely clears the vision. at least, for me.

 

[bungle2234]

"humbling" is a psycho snot knot which i still grapple on this score. when i have had the opportunity to watch and learn from people who are GOOD at asking for help, there is nothing humbling in their approach. not being able to do every job in the world is not humbling to them. just a fact of life. not even woody allen can do ALL the jobs it takes to turn out a mass marketable product. teamwork required to cover all the bases.

my therapy breakthrough came in studying the diffs between "humiliation" and "humility." these days i think of humility as being okay with my small place in the universe. my childhood conditioning used a great deal of humiliation that only left me dazed and confused about my small place in the universe.

i'm still not very good at asking for help. i'm still lacking in many social skills those masters of asking employed, but still studying. . . works in progress. . .

hi firstly never feel guilty i find it reasuring that people want to help me after my anger outbursts and my crying and everything else that goes with ptsd . suround yourself with people willing to sit and listen and not judge but never feel guilty and please dont be afraid to ask for help.
i didnt want to ask for help im glad i did allthough i have a girlfriend who listens to me im still getting counciling and i will get there and so will you

 

[abovedown]

when the factual and blustery winds of life have me feeling vulnerable, accepting the fact that i'm not currently seeing clearly opens up space to just breathe. breathing freely clears the vision. at least, for me.

So true! I remember that I can easily have complete opposite views on a topic matter regarding my mental state!

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

hi firstly never feel guilty i find it reasuring that people want to help me after my anger outbursts and my crying and everything else that goes with ptsd . suround yourself with people willing to sit and listen and not judge but never feel guilty and please dont be afraid to ask for help.
i didnt want to ask for help im glad i did allthough i have a girlfriend who listens to me im still getting counciling and i will get there and so will you

So brave for asking for help! Well done! The right people will help, the wrong people will judge.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I actually got a lot of help. From my alumni community. From friends I opened up to in person in a way I never thought I would. From people I reconnected with. I'm still mind blown about it. Some financial help, but a lot of mental support too. So I've been making it forward a bit.
Seeing so many people care how I'm doing when I didn't at all was very helpful to remember I'm human.
Getting check-ins from friends has been helpful. People I haven't spoken to in a decade supporting me unconditionally has been huge.
I'm still not okay and will need meds and therapy, but I'm taking it step by step.

I will have a lot of gratitude to give back when I can, but for now- I was scared of how I felt, and I needed the help. And it's the truth. I don't like it, but it's a fact. So I'm trying to find my way forward with accepting that.